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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think Dh is being ungrateful?

31 replies

Brahx · 12/04/2020 19:35

Dh is 30 next month. He absolutely hates effort put into his birthday. He doesn’t like presents etc.

He does so much for us and never treats himself. Iv bought him a present that he knows and actually wanted and Iv been researching something that he’s mentioned that he wanted a few times but I know he won’t buy himself.

I mentioned to him that I’m going to get him
One more present and he’s told me he doesn’t want anything and that he’s upset that I won’t listen to him that he doesn’t want a big effort made.

Aibu to think he’s being ungrateful?

OP posts:
Shamoo · 12/04/2020 19:37

Reverse?

expatinspain · 12/04/2020 19:38

Not really. If he doesn't want anything else and you know he's like this, then listen to him.

Original poster
Brahx · 12/04/2020 19:38

No it’s really not 😂🙈

OP posts:
drunkyhumptydumpty · 12/04/2020 19:39

No. You're being annoying.
I'm like your DH. I like unlimited cups of tea on one of 'my days'
I hate money wasted. It's not a gift if you're forcing it on him.

Starlet29 · 12/04/2020 19:40

My partner is like this. Never wants to celebrate, doesn’t want presents. I just buy a present anyway. He’s not going to turn it down - well hopefully. Buy him things he needs rather than luxury items he might be more grateful. Oh usually gets socks. Sounds boring but he loves new socks! T- shirts, jeans, boxers, a nice hoody!

ViciousJackdaw · 12/04/2020 19:42

I really don't like gifts either. They seem to come with so much expectation, if it's a gift I really don't like or wouldn't use, I feel so guilty that someone has been out and spent their own money on something which I am completely ungrateful for and I hate the way it makes me feel.

Snaga · 12/04/2020 19:55

I get really stressed out in the run up to my birthday and Christmas because my husband wants to buy me something special. There's nothing I want that needs to be bought so the run up to every single birthday and Cheistmas is laden with anxiety because he keeps trying to outdo previous efforts and make it perfect for me.

He refuses to believe I feel the way I do so I've had two decades of this. I have a "special" birthday this year and even though it's months away I'm already stressing because he's talking about what to buy me already.

Please listen to your husband! I wish mine listened to me about this, but he's convinced it's false modesty or a ploy to get better presents or someother stupid nonsense

AgentJohnson · 12/04/2020 20:04

If he’s ungrateful I’d love to know what you’d class your behaviour as? I can’t imagine why your H would be annoyed at you making his birthday all about you.

If you really want to do something nice for your H, how about listening to him and respecting his preference?

Ghostlyglow · 12/04/2020 20:08

He's told you he doesn't want anything. Why are you ignoring him? Do you think he's lying?

airbags · 12/04/2020 20:16

I'm like your DH and usually don't want presents. My DH has spent an unnecessary fortune over the years and I wish he'd listen to me. If he called me ungrateful after I've told him 'no present' I'd be pretty pissed off with him! Why don't you actually listen to him instead of calling him ungrateful?

Shamoo · 12/04/2020 20:17

@Brahx your response did make me chuckle 😂

Ohtherewearethen · 12/04/2020 20:20

Why are you not listening to him? You have your own likes and preferences and perhaps you like making a fuss over birthdays but he has clearly stated that's not his thing. Yet you expect him to be grateful to you for deliberately going against his wishes and making him enjoy his birthday even less? Weird.

Shitsgettingcrazy · 12/04/2020 20:24

So not only are you ignoring what he has said, you are also telling him to suck it up and like it?

crochetandshit · 12/04/2020 20:40

If he's told you he doesn't want another present, so you're not actually buying it for him are you?
You're buying it so you can say you got him x, y and z when what he would actually like is 1, 2 and 3 but I'm guessing 1, 2 and 3 aren't things you can wrap up and show off about?

Bluetrews25 · 12/04/2020 20:54

Some people feel they don't deserve presents or lots of attention; or have been used to very little fuss being made from a young age, so any attention or care makes them feel very uncomfortable.
He may not be ungrateful, maybe just very uncomfortable. Can you ask him about how his birthdays were when he was a boy?

billy1966 · 12/04/2020 21:26

I think he's told you what he wants.

He's not ungrateful, but you are being disrespectful and disingenuous to then be pissed off at him.

Listen to what he has told you and accept it.

Why would you spoil HIS birthday by not respecting his wishes.

It's actually a very controlling way to behave.

Accepting his preference graciously is the way to go OP.

Pickupapenguinnnn · 12/04/2020 21:44

What Billy said. Don't waste your money.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 12/04/2020 21:47

He's meant to be grateful that you're not actually listening to him and are doing something he has expressly said he doesn't want you to do?

BarbaraofSeville · 13/04/2020 04:42

Some people feel they don't deserve presents or lots of attention; or have been used to very little fuss being made from a young age, so any attention or care makes them feel very uncomfortable

Or they genuinely don't want any more stuff, don't want other people choosing things for them and don't want to have to pretend to be grateful for something they don't want and have to use and store it and keep up the pretence of liking it otherwise they're considered rude and ungrateful.

It's not a nice gesture to be given something when you've expressly said you don't want it, it's upsetting and annoying that your wishes aren't respected.

mrbob · 13/04/2020 04:47

You are buying it for your benefit not for him so why should he be grateful?

Antonin · 13/04/2020 05:25

OP why should he be grateful for something he doesn’t want and has asked you not to do? I can understand that you want to show him how much you appreciate him but maybe do it in ways that don’t involve money.
Write him a letter telling him how much you love him
Make his favourite meal.
Pay him extra attention but don’t go over the top.
You have got him something this year so just leave it at that.
Encourage him to buy something for himself if he admires it and your family budget can run to it.
Good luck

puds11 · 13/04/2020 05:31

I cannot stand people like you. Buy something you’ve said you don’t want then expect you to be eternally grateful for it. Some people just don’t want presents. It’s a thing!

CodenameVillanelle · 13/04/2020 05:39

You're forcing something on him that he doesn't want. Why should he be grateful for that??

HugeAckmansWife · 13/04/2020 08:06

Dp does sort of this. My birthday is close to Xmas so my family ask me for a list of things and choose from it. I'm a single mum with not much cash or time for myself so I really appreciate being given the things I've been wanting for ages. But he thinks it's more thoughtful to go 'off list'. I get 3 or 4 expensive, thoughtful gifts that get put in a drawer and never see the light of day and am still without the thing I actually wanted because he thinks he knows better. Drives me crazy. Please listen to him.

mummmy2017 · 13/04/2020 08:27

Presents always seem like people trying too hard.
Then as said your expecting him to be happy you put so much effort into it.
I know you say you try so hard, but maybe he is stressed by your efforts.
To be honest if I got a meal out or at home and something simple that would be enough.