My friend is not really my friend is she?

[Mummyontherocks]

My best friend of more than 10 years has been pulling back for a while. When I message her she doesn't reply but will message me when she wants to meet up. We used to see each other a lot but she has a lot on and I always seem to get bumped so that she can do something else (I need to see this person today, instead of you, because I have to do something else tomorrow when I would normally be seeing them etc etc). We still see each other fairly regularly (maybe once a month instead of once a week) I understand that she is my best friend but I am not her best friend. I've always explained it to myself as 'she is so busy and I'm lucky she makes the time for me that she does etc'. However then came lockdown - she's now working one morning a week (in a leave it all at the desk type job), she has adult children at home (late teen and mid 20's) so whilst life is hard I feel like the normal excuses not to message me have gone and I can't really con myself anymore that she's my best friend when I haven't heard from her in weeks. AIBU? Do I need to wind my neck in and cut her some slack, or do I need to move on?

Coronavirus has one good thing about it. It shows you who your friends are.

Yes I suppose you're right Crystaltree, I guess I just needed a bit ifna push to actually accept it. So I've probably been being a bit of a doormat for a while then.

Its painful. Hope you are ok.

Thanks DrManhattan not really, feeling pretty rubbish to be honest, but I suppose it's better to know, no matter how bad it feels.

You are right. I’m sure if you cut back she will eventually call you when she wants something. You don’t need this. It’s a shame but you have tried.

Once this is over, make new friends.
It’ll be easy. The world has changed.

Good luck. x

I have discovered this about two of my old friends sadly they can’t be arsed with me really if I am honest 😞

once this is over you'll have so many opportunities to make new friends.

Thank you for the replies, I'm sorry you have the same situation basil. It's never nice feeling rejected - trying to be a grown up about it though (whilst I sob into my wine)

I agree this situation has really shown friendships in a new light. I've found so much support from people I hadnt connected with in recent months and felt pretty dropped by some people I would have previously considered myself close to. I'm sorry tho op. I know it hurts.

Think some things just run their course. Had it with a pal last year. Happy once its me driving or running round. Odd text but thats it I think it will just fizzle out. She makes out she only person juggling kids

Sorry you're hurting too Beenhereforages.

This is a really good time to think about things, getting pulled out of the normal whirlwind let's us see things differently. I know I should try and be positive and just move on but I think I just need a little time to be sad.

You're probably right Mary46 I'm probably trying to hang on to something that has run it's course and I'm just being a bit dense not to see it. She's probably too nice to tell me!

Why would you think you're lucky she makes time for you. Isn't that what friends do?

It is hurtful though of course. I just feel lately zero effort on their side. And me making the next move again. She had said I could call over I didnt pull her up on it. Got a short text for birthday. My husband ask why I do all the running!!

It's really sad and I am just realising this about one of my oldest and closet friends. She was my best friend but I didn't really come on her list of priorities. It's been amplified since COVID and has given me perspective.

No more chasing, time to let it fade away

I had this happen with a really good friend. She moved away and once she was settled in her new life she stopped replying to my texts, she even came home a few times and didn’t bother to contact me.

I was very ill a few years ago and told her about it. She expressed sympathy, but didn’t contact me again to ask how I was. I haven’t heard from her since.

I have grieved for our friendship, and now can have fond memories of our school and university days. But to be honest I was bitter and angry for a while. It really hurts, even more so than some romantic splits.

Find new friends and leave this person in the past. You might reconnect at a later date, but for now, she sounds like she's checked out.

I completely agree that a friendship split can be more painful than a romantic split.

So sorry you're facing this op. Let her go

I've had the same discovery myself lately, the same thing - pulling back for a while, not responding to texts, making time for other friends and only for me if there was no better offer. I had been telling myself I was being oversensitive, everyone's busy etc but it was my birthday in January which she knew about as I invited her over but she didn't even text, shortly after that I had a fairly upsetting event which everyone in the wider circle of friends knew about and again complete silence from her. I knew that I would never not have contacted her if it had been the other way around. We used to be really close but people change and theres nothing you can do about it except refuse to allow yourself to be used. Its a shit life lesson and it hurts so I really feel for you

Friendships can be very hard. Try not to take it personally- just distance yourself. Remind yourself you’re not the problem and make room for new people.

It’s very hard when you’re the one maintaining the friendship , it really knocks your self esteem.

There could well be a lot of re-assessments of friendships when we get through this current situation. Not only friendships but also family relationships.
I have had the time to think recently and I can see now that the writing was on the wall way back I didn't see it or perhaps didn't want to see it. It is noticed now and I will act on that.
I am also watching who is keeping in the closest contact during this crisis and who is not. That will be treated accordingly. I noticed one person in particular who used to spend hours every day talking to me about her situation but now has not said anything for weeks. In a way I am glad though. I have more to do and be in this life than merely a shoulder to cry on. It was depressing. I have found myself lifted by the absence of all that moaning.

I am re thinking what I want to do with my future and I think I will find a happier path

She sounds like a fair weather friend. Pull back a bit; wait for her to contact you. She probably either won’t, or will give you the whole ‘why haven’t you been in touch?’ routine, as if it’s your sole responsibility. It won’t do her any harm to be reminded that she could be the one to make the effort once in a while.

I know how you feel op
8yr friendship and have now been ghosted
Noticed over the past year her slowly pulling back and getting distant
No reason for it but she did this to another friend previously so I could see all the signs

All communication has now just stopped
Had no txts at all to see if we are all ok since the lockdown . I’ve given up txting as I was having to wait 2 or more weeks for a reply .
When you start to feel like your chasing someone you know that friendship is on its way out
I’ve come to terms with it now taken me a while but still have to see this person on schools runs so makes it incredibly awkward for me now as I don’t know whether to walk straight past and ignore or smile and pretend I’m fine either way makes me anxious thinking about it
Dreading when the school opens again there is no way to avoid her :(
Why do people to this ( ghosting ) you never get closure or find out what you have done wrong for the friendship to end . you are left feeling like you are a worthless person .