My friend is not really my friend is she?

[Mummyontherocks]

My best friend of more than 10 years has been pulling back for a while. When I message her she doesn't reply but will message me when she wants to meet up. We used to see each other a lot but she has a lot on and I always seem to get bumped so that she can do something else (I need to see this person today, instead of you, because I have to do something else tomorrow when I would normally be seeing them etc etc). We still see each other fairly regularly (maybe once a month instead of once a week) I understand that she is my best friend but I am not her best friend. I've always explained it to myself as 'she is so busy and I'm lucky she makes the time for me that she does etc'. However then came lockdown - she's now working one morning a week (in a leave it all at the desk type job), she has adult children at home (late teen and mid 20's) so whilst life is hard I feel like the normal excuses not to message me have gone and I can't really con myself anymore that she's my best friend when I haven't heard from her in weeks. AIBU? Do I need to wind my neck in and cut her some slack, or do I need to move on?

I'm so sorry so many other people seem to be going through this too, I do feel the solidarity though so thank you for sharing, yes being ghosted sucks but I suppose a getting 'dumped' conversation with a friend would be the ultimate in awkward, but at least you'd get some feedback and know where you stood, raising a glass of wine to you all.

I totally understand that StrikeItLuckyShuffle. I’ve had it happen a few times now and it really makes you feel worthless. I’m really sorry you have been in that position too. Personally, if I were you, I’d give a small smile and just carry on walking so you’re not being rude but you’re also sending a message that you’re not chasing her.

I broke up with a friend. She rang me and I told her that her terrible behaviour and controlling manner were not acceptable. I then wrote a very short email wishing her well. I sound like a b1tch, but I thought it was respectful to give her closure. And I cried and felt wretched for weeks. I mouthed as if it was a death. But I also felt relieved.

I’m not suggesting you’ve behaved badly in any way. I’m just confirming there are right and wrong ways of ending relationships.

*mourned! Not “mouthed”!

I found confronting didnt work they got defensive. With this friend unless I chase next time or drive over she wont. Nice girl but life busy for all us. Friendship should be 2 way

I’ve had this with a really close friend recently. I helped her through a divorce and selling her flat and she has recently moved in with a guy who has a little boy and she is now a totally devoted step mum who hasn’t got time to FaceTime or zoom with me or our other friends because she’s busy decorating gingerbreads or potty training him or her and DP are too busy putting a Easter egg-hunt together.

Apparently the mum of the boy doesn’t mind how involved she is because she is not a great mum and my friend is a natural. Or something. It’s like it’s a new hobby she’s taken up. It’s a mindfuck because you can’t criticize her for being busy especially with a stepchild, but she is literally consumed

@StrikeItLuckyShuffle
Don't stress about the school run.
Don't ignore just practice a vague wave smile in the mirror and adopt that.
Ignoring is energy and not worth it.
Smiling and vaguely acknowledging is far easier and demands little energy.
Just as you would sometimes you know very casually.

I think this will have indeed helped people to focus on those they care about.

@Mummyontherocks I am going through something quite similar. One of my "friends" treats me as simply a convenience, only texting me when nobody else is available. I haven't heard a bean off her since lockdown (found out from one of my other friends that she is still carrying on life as usual, visiting her boyfriend and family). Made me realise how utterly selfish this person is, and in a way it's made it easier to put them in a mental folder and file it away. I have no plans on contacting this person again.
I really hope you're ok. Don't waste any more time or energy on this "friend" of yours. If someone brings nothing but negativity to your life, move on.

Apparently the mum of the boy doesn’t mind how involved she is because she is not a great mum and my friend is a natural.

Bloody hell, that poor mother.

Oh yes it's horrible, I went out for a drink for my best friends partners birthday a year ago and it was so upsetting I felt like I was treated like a stranger, she even seemed to have forgotten where I worked which was weird (it's the council so not exactly hard to remember!) I've seen her once since then and it was ok, but she's not there for me and I realised she'd not been there for me for a long time. I'm not even a very high maintenance friend but have had some tough times with family over the past couple of years. In comparison she's constantly had issues and I've tried my best but done now. Find some new friends, easier said than done but I'm not sure I believe in best friends so much anymore.

@springydaff I know . Well I keep my trap shut about it all but you only hear one side of the story don’t you. It’s all about how she doesn’t cope well with him etc and my friend and her DP are just so good with him, he’s inspirational as a father etc.

The texts are must catch up soon. I just dont pander to it now. But think its just ran its course now. Different life stages too. Feel more common school mams kids same secondary etc

What is going on with her though? Is she having some kind of issue that is taking up all her energy? Her relationship could be in trouble, you could have unwittingly done something to upset her etc
I would explain how you feel, ask her why she is acting like this and then see how it foes

Thanks Midsommar, Chillicheese123 , Lightline - I don't know, and there's no point asking because I know that she won't reply (I have tried so many times). I could ask her but I know that she will say that there is nothing wrong, it's not her behaviour that has changed during the lockdown, it's my realisation quite how low down the priority list I am, and how low I have always been (it's just that there were always excuses I could con myself that it was because of this and because of that), where-as those things have gone away now and nothing has changed.

Thanks @Mummyontherocks
you are not alone in feeling like this We will all get over it eventually and new friends will be made ❤️
@billy1966
I will definitely do that
Before the lockdown I have tried to smile and walk on by but because I’m a nice person always worrying about others and their feelings I always do the stupid thing of making a conversation of random stuttering guff just to stop the awkwardness . It doesn’t work and I end up feeling worse because I know she’s not interested
I’m even contemplating moving it’s that uncomfortable just so I can be properly ghosted 😂 .

Mummyontherocks, this is definitely a good time to reconsider friendships and to think about who is a real friend and who is not. I have moved countries a few years ago and realized that I have almost lost some close friendships where I moved from and do not have genuine close ones here too.. It feels strange and shows who cares about you and who you have in your life.

Hope you're okay OP, I too have been in a similar situation - try and move on from it and when it's all behind you you'll feel very different about her indeed