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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bring my niece to stay with us

52 replies

kiki22 · 12/04/2020 12:55

Back ground first my sister is bi polar for the last 3 years she has been very stable after a decade of episodes and misery for us all. Dsis is isolating with DN(12) they have been doing well however my sister feels that she's struggling with her moods more and more. DN is fairly typical for her age dramatic and lots of energy she thrives in school and stays with us a couple of days a week usually to allow dsis some time on her own. It's been this way since she was little she's never spent 3 full weeks with her mum in her life.

I can see the dsis is terrified of having an episode and is feeling overwhelmed being with dn 24/7 (I know it's her child but her mental health has never been good enough to parent alone she needs support) I want to bring DN here to allow dsis some time to get even again but I obviously don't want to refuse to let her go back after a week or 2 if that's what they both want.

We have been dealing with this long enough to know the signs and thankfully dsis is now in a good enough place that she knows them, usually if she felt like this DN would come to us for a while but with the isolation I'm not sure what's for the best. Until 3 years ago DN didn't live with dsis due to periods if neglect nothing very terrible she was fed and watered but that was about it which is obviously bad enough. I don't want to leave it until such time where dsis is mid episode and DN is stuck there with her or undo the 5 years of work dsis has done to get where she is but I also don't want to break the rules.

So YABU - dn needs to stay where she is unless she's in danger of neglect.
YANBU - in these circumstances MH takes priority bring DN to stay with you

OP posts:
Wishiwaswonderwoman87 · 12/04/2020 12:57

Children with divorced parents are allowed to live household.

This is a similar circumstance and I would use that guidance

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 12/04/2020 12:58

In practical terms there's little difference between this and a child moving between separated parents houses.

TaTuirseOrm · 12/04/2020 12:58

I think you know the situation and are best placed to judge. Given your sis circumstances it seems sensible to me that your niece stays with you for a while.

Leaannb · 12/04/2020 12:58

Go get your niece

yearinyearout · 12/04/2020 12:58

I would say it counts as moving for health reasons so yes I would move her to yours.

maleficent53 · 12/04/2020 12:59

Well children of seperated parents can travel between homes. It is what you normally do so I dont see a problem at all. Better for your sister and your neice......good luck

ElloElloVera · 12/04/2020 12:59

Absolutely bring her to yours. This is a NEED for both your DSis and DN.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 12/04/2020 13:00

Definitely bring her to you. Sounds like your DS and DN have been self isolating anyway so risk is minimal? And none of your household have symptoms? This is a medical situation- your DSis needs this support for her health.

Success1986 · 12/04/2020 13:00

I agree with comments this is exceptional circumstances bring your neice to stay with you x

BuffaloCauliflower · 12/04/2020 13:01

Considering your usual arrangements this wouldn’t be any different to a child going between divorced parents. I’d also say this falls under essential caring responsibilities. Have your niece and don’t worry about it x

Original poster
kiki22 · 12/04/2020 13:02

We have both been isolating apart from weekly food shops for 4 weeks due to us all having a cough the week before the school closed so minimal risk and I imagine our level of risk is more or less the same.

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 12/04/2020 13:04

I think you should get her, for both your sister's sake and the child's.

I think you'll want to think seriously about whether I it's a one way trip or not.

I'm sure you will (sounds like you're very supportive) but don't forget to check on your sister. The thought of being alone, isolated and in a MH crisis is quite frightening.

Jellybean27 · 12/04/2020 13:06

Go get her. You know the signs and you know you need to act. Your sister and niece are lucky to have you.

Outtedagain · 12/04/2020 13:06

With your sisters agreement you should get her.

trinity0097 · 12/04/2020 13:09

I would view this the same as the rule for children of divorced parents who can move between the two households as usual.

Nearlyalmost50 · 12/04/2020 13:16

I also think you have to think of the longer term consequences if their household broke down- this would be more disastrous than sensibly moving your niece over to you for a little while.

I do think mental health is extremely important and if you can do things that are not massively risky but might prevent someone deteriorating, I think that's fine.

SusieSusieSoo · 12/04/2020 13:18

I would. I'm a LP and I'm in good health but I can feel myself creaking at the seams sometimes definitely bring dn to yours op xx

Original poster
kiki22 · 12/04/2020 13:19

Dsis has started to hunt at taking her. We speak a couple of times a day. She's a very solitary person and needs the alone time. If she was having a complete breakdown we would need to think about my mum going to dsis and DN coming to us potentially.

I'm hoping a week of a break now will mean that dsis is ready get get back to it at the end but if dn needs to stay here weeks she can and has in the past it wouldn't seem unusual for her.

OP posts:
QuestionMarkNow · 12/04/2020 13:20

Yep as others have said, its similar to children whose parents are divorced.
Your dsis and your dniece need support. And the potential risk for your dsis and your dniece is very high. Thats a no brainer for me. Go and get her!!

DonPablo · 12/04/2020 13:22

Go get your niece. They are both very fortunate to have you. Hope your sister is OK, and gets the space she needs to recalibrate. And that your niece gets some lovely time with you away from the intensity.

QuestionMarkNow · 12/04/2020 13:23

@kiki22, I would keep the same organisation that was working before the lockdown.
If she was at your house 2 days every week, then stay like that.

A week at your house would allow your dsis to take a breath but youwill find yourself in the same situation again in a couple of weeks down the line.
If your dniece just stays with you, she will miss on seeing her mum, which is a shame if her mum is well enough to look after her.

You basically have been coparenting with your dsis. Treat the arrangement as such and go back to the original system if your dsis can cope with it.

StudentHelp · 12/04/2020 13:27

Go get her, lovely Flowers

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/04/2020 13:29

Do it. My Dsis has MH issues as well and DN lives with us permanently but was supposed to be with her for 2-3 weeks of the lockdown. We picked her and her brother up after a day as it wasn’t working out.

Davespecifico · 12/04/2020 13:40

If you’ve all agreed it’s for the best, go and fetch her.

midnightstar66 · 12/04/2020 13:43

I'd treat this as separated parents and allow dn to go back and forward when necessary as long as everyone is following advice. Sounds like constant isolation would be more damaging than any virus

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