Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To bring my niece to stay with us

52 replies

kiki22 · 12/04/2020 12:55

Back ground first my sister is bi polar for the last 3 years she has been very stable after a decade of episodes and misery for us all. Dsis is isolating with DN(12) they have been doing well however my sister feels that she's struggling with her moods more and more. DN is fairly typical for her age dramatic and lots of energy she thrives in school and stays with us a couple of days a week usually to allow dsis some time on her own. It's been this way since she was little she's never spent 3 full weeks with her mum in her life.

I can see the dsis is terrified of having an episode and is feeling overwhelmed being with dn 24/7 (I know it's her child but her mental health has never been good enough to parent alone she needs support) I want to bring DN here to allow dsis some time to get even again but I obviously don't want to refuse to let her go back after a week or 2 if that's what they both want.

We have been dealing with this long enough to know the signs and thankfully dsis is now in a good enough place that she knows them, usually if she felt like this DN would come to us for a while but with the isolation I'm not sure what's for the best. Until 3 years ago DN didn't live with dsis due to periods if neglect nothing very terrible she was fed and watered but that was about it which is obviously bad enough. I don't want to leave it until such time where dsis is mid episode and DN is stuck there with her or undo the 5 years of work dsis has done to get where she is but I also don't want to break the rules.

So YABU - dn needs to stay where she is unless she's in danger of neglect.
YANBU - in these circumstances MH takes priority bring DN to stay with you

OP posts:

AmIAStone · 12/04/2020 13:43

Go and get your niece. Children are allowed to move between 2 households that they normally live between. Her coming to you is normal and even if it wasn’t to protect your sister from having a major relapse it’s ok.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 12/04/2020 13:45

For all the toxic family threads there are on here, there are also many people like the OP and others commenting. Gives me huge faith in human nature. Thank you, OP. (I voted YANBU to fetch your niece to look after her and give your sis a break.)

Apolloanddaphne · 12/04/2020 13:46

Go and get her if you think this will help both your Dsis and your DN.

AprilFloundering · 12/04/2020 13:48

If it was me, I would go and get her. That is the normal arrangement anyways, and it is beyond sensible under the circumstances described.

You're a great sister and aunt, OP.

Sally872 · 12/04/2020 13:50

I would agree it is essential. And no greater risk than separated parents.

Bibijayne · 12/04/2020 13:53

Go fetch her. In this circumstance I think this is the best move.

TiddlestheCat · 12/04/2020 13:54

Just to say that you sound incredibly supportive to both your DSis and DN.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/04/2020 13:54

The rules allow for this, its caring duties.

But even if it wasnt, weigh it up. If she comes to you you MIGHT get CV, although unlikely if you have all been isolated. If she doesnt then your sister almost certainly WILL get ill and your DN will end up with you anyway but in a much less controlled and more traumatic way. What is the bigger risk to DN right now?

lyralalala · 12/04/2020 13:55

This is no different to a child going between their two homes

In fact in many ways it's more essential than a child who wants to go between parents; your niece needs to go between the two homes

NoMoreDickheads · 12/04/2020 13:57

YANBU and wouldn't be outside the rules as it could be justified as helping someone with a medical need or caring for your niece.

LockdownLucy · 12/04/2020 13:59

Agreed, go get her, you're essentially another "parent" and this child's welfare is at risk as it stands.

Whatwedontknow · 12/04/2020 14:00

I think it’s unanimous here @kiki22 your niece can and should stay with you when she needs to, the benefits outweigh any risks.

Hoarder123 · 12/04/2020 14:01

Yes, go and get her before things breakdown.

If you’re worried about breaking the rules, surely your dsis’s gp or MH worker would be able to give input, to wherever it’s needed, to officially allow this to happen!
Your dsis and dn are very lucky to have you. 💐

HellsAngel81 · 12/04/2020 14:03

Agree, go and get your niece!

Bluetrews25 · 12/04/2020 14:04

I'm usually quite quick to think 'just stay where you are', but this time.... no, go and get her, before your DSis spirals and does emotional damage to your DNiece.

audweb · 12/04/2020 14:08

The current guidance/law allows for caring responsibilities. I would absolutely think this comes under it. Go get her.

Nogoodusername · 12/04/2020 14:14

I would see this as exactly the same as a child of separated parents moving between those households - completely acceptable and within guidance. Also wanted to say that you are a brilliant Aunty and sister

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 12/04/2020 14:20

Give her the break if you can it's no different to separated parents. Also the mental health teams are struggling so much that she may not be able to get help if she does need it and you deffo don't need her being into a hospital at this time.
You sound like your doing an amazing job well done!

MrsSpenserGregson · 12/04/2020 14:29

Absolutely go and get your niece. Your sister and niece are lucky to have you

Bagadverts · 12/04/2020 14:36

Absolutely go especially if DSis agrees. You should like a great sister/aunt. Also well done to your sister and all those who recognise that due to their health issues they need help with their children- I’m sure that’s really hard.

MsJaneAusten · 12/04/2020 14:41

Go get her. And hug your sister while you’re there

HollowTalk · 12/04/2020 15:29

I agree your niece should come to your house, but I'm worried about your sister. Is she taking her meds as agreed, do you think?

Original poster

kiki22 · 12/04/2020 16:19

Thank you all

My sister is doing a great job taking meds doing the work and the fact that shes aware she is struggling is amazing as a few years ago she still couldn't see the signs. She is happy for DN to come down for a few days and maybe keeping it up. DN is over the moon she's missing her cousins it's been hard for her not to be here when she's used to it. They have really become a family for the first time in the last few years I want to keep that going for everyones sake.

I did think I wasn't BU but wanted to check what people thought.

OP posts:

AmelieTaylor · 12/04/2020 16:25

💕Good decision. It's no different than children of separated parents - except it's probably more important for her to come to
you.

Having said that, it's not without risk, so I would go for longer periods at each house rather than short visits.

Sandleman · 12/04/2020 16:34

You are acting in their best interests - you are a good/smart person and you know the best decision is to go and get her.

If you are worried about being seen to do the wrong thing maybe let your DS’s dr (or whoever she liaises with for her MH) know so they can confirm it’s medically endorsed if you feel like this might help you.

Like PP have said, if you were divorced she would be going between houses anyway.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread