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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to stop breastfeeding

78 replies

Rubbercoffee · 11/04/2020 21:28

My little one is 18m and I'm proud that we are still breastfeeding, I struggled through all my mental health issues and have done all the night feeds and I co sleep with her. I returned to work 6 months ago and part of my job includes on calls twice a month. I managed to "get out of doing" on calls for the last 6 months due to my mental health and occupational health giving me some grace period.

It was agreed I would start on calls again beginning of may.

I'm still breastfeeding and that includes feeding to sleep and during the night

Me and my DH have just had a huge row as he thinks I'm weak and no willpower to just give up. He thinks we should bite the bullet and essentially go cold turkey for as long as it takes her to get used to it . I'm more along the lines of why give up a great thing for only a very small percentage of nights that it might be an issue....

Giving up breastfeeding completely seems really overwhelming to me (but on some levels a little relieving) but I don't want to
He kept saying it's not normal (it is) and that of I want to keep breastfeeding I need to quit my job 😡

AIBU to want to have my cake and eat it ? Or am I putting my little one through turmoil twice a month when I'm not there , to then give her the breast when I am there, to then repeat it again and again?

OP posts:

Twolittlebears · 11/04/2020 22:40

I've just RTFT... your DH is being ridiculous! He should be supporting you in this. As others have said you have made his life SO MUCH easier by breastfeeding. A few nights of crying while your DC settles with him and a bottle should not worry him at all. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

SockQueen · 11/04/2020 22:40

I started doing night shifts before DS1 was a year old. The first bedtime with DH was hard, but he ended up just cuddling him in our bed and it worked in the end. DS1 never wanted a bottle or cup of milk, the bedtime feed wasn't really about the milk itself, so pretty quickly he just had a different bedtime routine depending on if it was mummy or daddy doing it. I ended up night weaning around 16 months as the sleep deprivation was breaking me, but he didn't stop feeding completely until he was 2. It's totally possible to do nights and carry on breastfeeding!

Zantedeschia · 11/04/2020 22:41

An 18m old doesn't need formula

LolaSmiles · 11/04/2020 22:42

Keep breastfeeding as long as you and DC are happy with it, however there needs to be some sort of workable solution to your time on call.
For example, could some of DC evening feeds be expressed milk from a bottle and you try different bottles? Can you be in another room when bottle is introduced as some DC turn down bottle if they think boob is a viable alternative?

I don't think it would be fair to say "I want to breastfeed and tough luck for the times I'm on call, you'll have to struggle".

Quiterightly · 11/04/2020 22:49

Keep breastfeeding.

Your dh sounds awful.

EasyPleasey · 11/04/2020 22:51

Yanbu and keep going OP for as long as you and dc want. There are so many benefits, especially in the time of a pandemic!

I went back to work after 12 months and kept the bedtime and night bf until nearly 4 years, co slept. It was a great way to reconnect after work.

missanony · 11/04/2020 23:05

@TheHarryFormerlyKnownAsPrince use common sense... I don’t know of one toddler that is still exclusively on milk, your point is ridiculous. Milk at 18 mo is a drink

missanony · 11/04/2020 23:06

I am at the extended night feeds... do you not want sleep?!

Osirus · 12/04/2020 00:27

Stick with it as long as you can. I always intended to stop at 6 months, then a year, then when she was 2...only just stopped at 3 1/2! That was her choice too, just dwindled to nothing.

It has so many benefits, whatever the age. It was mostly just a comfort thing for my daughter, but that alone has such value to it.

My DH has admitted recently he found it weird as soon as DD was old enough to actually verbally ask for it (and when she gave each one its own name ) but he NEVER hinted at this when I was still feeding her. It wouldn’t have changed a thing anyway. I know I’ve always done the best by her and I don’t regret it at all.

Keep going for as long as you and your child want!

user1494182820 · 12/04/2020 00:32

@missanony

18 months is not "extended night feeds" humans of all ages wake during the night and, if you have the means to comfort your baby with breastmilk, then why wouldn't you. You're question is not relevant to the thread.

Original poster

Rubbercoffee · 12/04/2020 07:46

@missanony we co sleep so she just latches on and we go back to sleep .... I'm sleep deprived yes, but not terribly. My first didn't sleep through reliably until she was 3 and I stopped breastfeeding her at 8 months. So stopping breastfeeding wasn't the answer

OP posts:

Oct18mummy · 12/04/2020 08:01

Still breast feeding here at 17months.

I would say two nights a month should be fine however maybe trying to get out the habit of been boobed to sleep might be good to start trying now. It will also give you some freedom.

My husband struggled getting him to sleep without boob but persisted and can do it. Why don’t you both try being in a room feed him then pass him over to your husband to then put down in cot and pat and shush till he goes down. It will take some willpower but there’s no reason why you can’t continue breastfeeding still until both of you are ready to stop.

Good luck x

MinorArcana · 12/04/2020 08:03

I breastfed 2 DC past 2 yrs - DC 3 still breastfeeding now at almost 3.5 yrs - and we found that my DC would settle down for other people at bedtime without a breastfeed if I wasn’t available.

Children can adapt to different bedtime routines with different people. And as you know from your experience with your first DC, stopping breastfeeding doesn’t guarantee sleeping through anyway.

And also, OT I know, but right now, with this pandemic, I’m very glad that I’m still breastfeeding DC3, because of the way breastmilk gives a boost to the child’s immune system.

Umnoway · 12/04/2020 08:06

WHO recommend BFing to two. I’m still BFing my 17 month old and I’m also 25 weeks pregnant . Carry on for as long as you see fit, I wouldn’t wean at the minute anyway- your DC needs the antibodies more than ever.

mooity · 12/04/2020 08:08

You don’t have to give up to be able to go back to doing on calls. I’m an A&E nurse and went back to work when all 3 of my children were one and still feeding. My DS3 was still feeding to sleep and waking multiple times but I had no choice but to work long shifts including night shifts each week.

Every time they have adapted. Within a couple of shifts DS3 realised that if I wasn’t there he either chose to take the bottle or nothing! My shifts don’t finish until 8.30pm so he was missing the bedtime feed a couple of times a week. I would then just dreamfeed him when I got home.

Fast forward to now and he’s just turned 2, still breastfeeding! Was planning on stopping at 2 but with everything going on it is our little piece of normality.

zigaziga · 12/04/2020 08:12

Absolute best thing you could be doing for your child.

It would not be in your child’s interests to wean them.

I weaned mine at 3 years old because at that point I started feeling like the benefit to him was decreasing whilst my own desire to stop was intensifying and it was the right decision.

zigaziga · 12/04/2020 08:15

Oh but also I agree with PP that you could miss the odd bedtime and it would almost certainly be ok. I missed the first bedtime at 2.5 years and he went to sleep far quicker with just cuddling my DH. I was surprised and realised that I could have done it sooner.

Number 2 isn’t quite 1. I expect to feed her for another few years and I wouldn’t skip bedtime yet as she still is very dependent on milk, naturally. From about 18 months though I think I might give myself a little break every now and then if I want to go out for dinner.

Fullyhuman · 12/04/2020 08:19

Not read the whole thread but no way would I wean at any time I didn’t want to and especially not now, when you are at higher risk for catching CV19. No reason to suppose it would make your toddler any iller than a bad cold, but it’s amazing to be able to keep their hydration and nutrition and immune system up with bf when they are ill - I really missed that when my youngest weaned, before then I would express for my eldest when he was ill, bm’s amazing stuff.

I also think your child will get used to the daddy only nights - and yes he might need to cope with some long cries the first couple of times. He may need some ideas for coping strategies, eg get her up and watch Bing on loop, sleep in a different place - den in the living room, the two of them, something like that. A special meal or game or both that belong to Daddy nights - treats to mark their routine. No pressure on sleep times: the next day will be a slower one until everyone’s acclimatised. Good luck.

WutheringTights · 12/04/2020 08:26

Cold turkey won't help. I tried to go cold turkey with my 14 month old a few years back (he was only feeding at bedtime and again at around 10/11pm by that point). I was in agony for weeks. I couldn't lift my arms above my shoulders or do anything that involved anything brushing against my breasts, eg carrying anything against my chest. You have to slow down more gradually if you're going to stop. I was on round the clock paracetamol and it didn't touch the sides.

Grumpos · 12/04/2020 08:30

Seems from lots of PP that missing a couple nights a month won’t be too much of an issue.

In terms of your husband, I do think some PP are being a little unreasonable. He is part of the family as well, he is a parent as well. He gets to have an opinion and a voice. OK you don’t agree, that’s OK, it doesn’t make him evil.
He’s avoided night feeds etc for 18 months, but that is because YOU want to bf. So for ppl saying he has benefitted - yes and no. Yes because he doesn’t have to settle the baby but no because he’s not been able to be part of the feeding and sleeping routine of his child and isn’t able to voice his feelings and thoughts without being vilified.

I don’t think he’s right - I just don’t think he’s unreasonable for having an opinion.
Perhaps offer a compromiSe that you will keep going with the bf and on calls and see how it goes. If it works and no real issues then happy days for all, if after a month it’s causing a lot of issues for DH and child then you will genuinely reconsider your approach.

SistemaAddict · 12/04/2020 08:32

Your husband is a twat who has no idea about breastfeeding. Ds woke up for a night feed until about 2.5 years and self weaned at age 4. He was fed to sleep too. I dated for a while when he was 2 and he would settle without me eventually. You do what is best for you and your child and ignore what anyone else thinks.

MarieQueenofScots · 12/04/2020 08:40

it doesn’t make him evil

Offering ultimatums over someone else’s body makes him a twat though.

OP YANBU. Breastfeed for as long as you and your child want. You’re doing a wonderful thing

Neverenoughcoffee · 12/04/2020 08:45

There is absolutely no way I would stop breastfeeding in the middle of a pandemic. Your child needs the antibodies and nutrition.

UmmMaryam2019 · 23/07/2020 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButterflyWitch · 23/07/2020 09:13

I bf my second child until she was almost 2! I have friends who bf for longer. I was happy for her to stop naturally when she was ready to.
I went back to work when she was around 10 or 11monyhs, and my job involves overnight travel. Like you, I had a bit of a grace period but was then expected to travel/work as needed. Surprisingly she was absolutely fine and not looking for bf when I was away, she'd just accept a bottle of milk at bedtime from DH. Initially I had to take a pump with me but as time went on my supply settled down too, we all just adjusted until she eventually weaned! Good luck OP, you'll figure it out

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