Am I allowed to help 80 year old mother look after bed bound father

[amatsip]

I know you will all roll your eyes at this, but dad was meant to have a care package out in place after release from hospital early march, but due to covid nothing was done, he is bed bound and mum can't toilet him or deal with his demands.

My sister who usually lives at home is a doctor and since vivid has resided close to the London hospital she works at.

District nurse comes weekly but can't get carers in till after covid.

I'm leaving groceries etc and paying their bills but mum needs a break and I know it's a risk going over morning and night to dress and tend to dad but I feel I'm trapped.

Mum is beyond exhausted.

If you are the only person going in to see your parents, they are no risk to you. You're a lower risk to them than a professional carer who's seeing 20 other people and may be living with another keyworker. It's completely within the rules as long as you're not vulnerable. Don't feel guilty.

Have you contacted adult social care at your local council? They are absolutely still sending carers in!

Glad you are there to help her, OP. x

Absolutely. This is classed as helping a vulnerable person. But I agree you should try and get some extra help.

Surely you know this is OK? Safer you help if you can rather than different carers going in and out every day? Why even ask.

Hi,

Apply to adult social care for a 'carer's card'. It could be useful if you have to travel to care for your parents.

Hi the reason why I wasn’t sure was due to the mp getting in trouble for helping parents. My sister had started the process of getting help but now is living away whilst the virus situation so I have no idea about any of this.

My dads needs are very complex and that makes things very hard, I have been over and he point blank refuses to let me help him.

I’m going to carry on shopping cooking etc for them and hope he lets me help in other ways soon.

Thanks everyone for input.

I will contact adult social care and see what is happening the end, the gp had been dealing with them.

If he is bed bound does he have the correct equipment he needs? A hospital bed and specialist mattress for example? I'd be very concerned if he doesn't. The hospitals are moving people out very quickly but everyone who needs assessing for care is still be assessed and appropriate aftercare provided - in my area at least. It would have been highly negligent of the hospital to discharge someone who is bed bound without a referral for the right support; 2 carers four times a day would be a starting point just due to the lack of mobility alone. We have services which could be put in tonight if someone rang up with this predicament now, please do ring them (with your Dad's consent of course).

Def call adult social care. They even managed to get my mum into a care home during lockdown, so theres no need for your mum to be struggling on.
But I'd also say that you need to be firm with your dad and tell him that your mum can't do it by herself, and he has to let you help him

Hi the reason why I wasn’t sure was due to the mp getting in trouble for helping parents.

He drove 150 miles to ‘deliver them some bread and milk’ when it’s almost certain that a local group would have helped (or they could have gone without). Very different to providing vital care.

Op you are absolutely within your rights i am a community carer and we have people we go to where family are still going in to take shopping and essential just being super careful .Weetabixnannasis absolutely spot on if your dad is not on the correct mattress he is extremely high risk of pressure sores being bed bound and if he is incontinent then that also could cause his skin to break down .He is vunerable as is your mum bless her , adult social care must put a package of some sort in to help .There will be a rapid response team for this sort of situation, carers that go in as a start immediately and do until a package can be set up .You will need you dad's permission if he has capacity they will want to assess his needs if he disagrees you will need to get him to understand how serious it could become , pressure sores are not pleasant and also your mum's health and safety must come into it .Good luck .

Please contact adult social care and ask for him to be assessed urgently, he needs a package of care in place. Also ask for an urgent referral to community occupational therapists to assess for equipment that may help with his care, such as slide sheets or a hoist if you don't already have these in place. Is he passed for incontinence? How is your mum managing to change these? Are district nurses checking his skin integrity? Is he in a regular bed/mattress or does he have a hospital bed with an airflow mattress to prevent pressure areas?

Absolutely go and help, if your parents aren’t leaving the house and no one else is going to see them they are no risk to you and one family member going to see them is much less of a risk than multiple carers being in the house (having come from other houses) throughout the week.

The Sun says that Jenrick drove 40 (forty) miles to his parents from his family home. The delivery included medication -- not just bread and milk.

The family home is 150 miles from his workplace (House of Commons).

I can't find any rule breaking there. People are allowed to commute to work under the rules and to take deliveries to their vulnerable relatives.

I'm in a similar position (dads been going downhill since a serious fall early last year and has taken a turn for the worse over the last few weeks).

I work at a secondary school so gave it 14 days after finishing (now working from home) and since then have been going round almost daily - three minutes walk around the corner. They are not leaving their house and DD and I are not leaving ours other than to visit them so hopefully very minimal risk.

We found out this week that it's likely dad has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and may only have weeks so I'm pleased I made that judgement call.

I hope you manage to make it work and get some support in place for all of you as soon as possible .

YANBU. You are absolutely allowed to provide care.
I know people are trying to be helpful by suggesting Adult Social Care and I do think you should get in contact with them. However, many care agencies are under immense pressure due to staff sickness. One agency near me has 70% of their carers off with symptoms of covid sickness. So, it may not be put into place. That said, some areas are better than others.

If he is bedbound please consider escalating because he needs to have his pressure areas checked so he does not develop bedsores. Also personal care. These things are important even with the covid situation

Yes definitely. I would just be extra careful with social distancing yourself so that you are not likely to pass any infection on. Obviously this is the same as for any paid carer really .

Just to reiterate the above, yes, you can

Of course you should help your mum and dad. They need you now more than ever. Help out with confidence and do not worry about what other folk think.

Why on earth do you need to ask?
If your parents need help, then help.
This virus is turning us all into automatons.

It is in the regulations, have you not read them? Why ask the question, read the regulations and decide to offer care or not.

It is expressly allowed and lots of information is available online. I'm surprised you have 1) not been caring for your father and helping your mother up till now and 2) feel the need to ask, can you offer care? when it is plainly written into the regulations that you can.

@flirtygirl I wasn't raised by my parents, I was raised in care, hence I have had minimal contact and live a distance from them for over 35 years, thank your judgement.

Oh flirtygirl how have you reached adulthood without realizing not everyone grew up in a happy and harmonious family? There's a LOT of legitimate reasons why this OP may not have been providing care