To be sick of "ohh there's worse off than you"

[Pushpushpoosh]

I've seen so much of it lately, on here, in news, on social media etc and I'm getting abit pissed off with it all now. There will always be someone worse off but other people's struggles don't make your feelings less valid!

Of course Susan's going to be gutted about her holiday getting canceld, I would be too. She's allowed to feel like this!

Of course Emma's finding it hard having all 3 kids at home all day it's fucking difficult you're allowed to feel frazzled and stressed.

Just because someones struggle seems to you like a drop in the ocean compared to what you're going through doesn't make it any less valid. It's not a competition. AIBU?

Everyone has a right to feel sad in this situation.

Except those twatty pregnant people. How dare THEY feel sad?

Seriously, that’s how this thread reads. OF COURSE they have a right to feel sad that they don’t get to do NCT, baby showers or have their partner at their scan. Yes, others can’t get pregnant or had a miscarriage, but that doesn’t Mean those who are pregnant can’t hate this situation. Isn’t that literally what this thread is about??

As an aside, if my partner had missed my 12 week scan I would have been sad for him he missed out. However at my 20 week scan they found a problem, and I probably had about 15 scans after that. Every one of those was horrendous, not happy, very anxious. The thought of having to do that alone makes me feel so sick. I am so glad not to be pregnant right now, it mush be horrendous. And yes, I’d have been sad not to have antenatal classes or attend he lovely baby shower my friends planned.

The pregnancy comments are a low blow to be honest. I'm pregnant at the moment, had my 12 week scan last week and my partner couldn't come. I totally understand and we were very accepting of that, however I've had losses in the past, have endometriosis which carries and increased risk of ectopic pregnancy and miscarraige, and had something come up at that scan and I'd been alone I think I'd have really struggled.
I'm already feeling a lack of connection to this pregnancy and I'm sure it's linked to the anxiety of potentially getting covid and being considered an at risk group, not knowing if this will be over when I'm due to give birth etc.
So yeah, not exactly understanding of you there at all.

I’ve always hated this, always. I actually recall having a conversation with my best friend about it years ago. You’re not allowed to be struggling because you’re not riddled with cancer, your husband isn’t dying, you’re not homeless and starving etc. It’s pathetic. Everyone is allowed to be struggling, however petty the reasoning may be.

Also I am pregnant atm and it’s a shit time to be pregnant. I’m terrified to go to my appointment next week, I haven’t left the house for about three weeks now. It’s affecting my MH massively, I’m ridiculously anxious I will catch it and something awful will happen. Not only that but anxious about my DH not being able to be at the c-section with me in July, anxious about bringing a newborn into this scary world too! It’s an awful time and I have had miscarriages, three of them (two discovered at scans).

You are allowed to be sad about missing out on a ‘normal’ pregnancy experience.

I feel really sorry for pregnant women experiencing this.

It's a worrying time anyway.

💐 for you all.

I seem to be very convincing about putting a positive spin on things and coming across as upbeat. I have people comment on how happy and cheerful I seem, and how good it is that despite everything I've been through I can still be so positive.

It's completely fake. And "fake it til you make it" is bullshit.

Hasn't ever alleviated the suffering I experience inside from my PTSD. Hasn't reduced my symptoms, hasn't healed my trauma, hasn't taken away my suicidal feelings, hasn't made the world feel or become safer, hasn't reduced my despair. And I've been putting a positive face on for fucking years so if it was going to make a material difference to my internal experience it would have done by now.

But hey at least it means I can avoid selfish arseholes whingeing about how inconvenient my suffering is to their nice lives or cutting me out because I can't magic away the suffering I had the misfortune to survive.

It is almost funny though that people who want to shut others down because they can't be arsed or can't cope with being exposed to that person's suffering would choose to do so by drawing the other person's attention to the terrible suffering of third parties. "I don't want to hear about your suffering, so why don't you silently mull over these people's suffering instead". Both lacking in insight and hurtful.

It's selfish to expect people to just not suffer or pretend not to suffer so you can maintain your own nice comfortable bubble without having to face the reality that life is filled with suffering.

It's not your super duper positive mental attitude that shields you from suffering, but luck. Dumb luck that can end at any time.

I don't know why "it could always be worse" is supposed to be comforting unless you're deluded enough to actually believe it will always be someone else for whom it gets worse, and never you?

I've been in the position of "it could be worse" followed by that worse thing then happening to me several times. It just fills me with despair every time I hear someone thoughtlessly trot that out - why would I want a reminder of how much worse things could get or how terrible the world is? It's quite bad enough already.

You have to be really arrogant to comfort yourself with other people's suffering as if it couldn't happen to you. Especially when you have no time or compassion for the real people in your life who are suffering.

"Also I am pregnant atm and it’s a shit time to be pregnant. I’m terrified to go to my appointment next week, I haven’t left the house for about three weeks now."
Terrified? Surely the hospital will be geared up for appointments for pregnant women, bearing in mind they are on the vulnerable list. It will be all 2 metres apart, everything stabilised etc. If you arent working and at home, it's a good time to rest up. Better than being in work feeling sick.

Misery Top Trumps. Gets on my bloody nerves.

Yeah, it's not a helpful thing to say. But it is often a gentler way of saying 'Look, mate, I've got plenty of shit of my own to deal with just now and and don't have the spare emotional energy to comfort you in your struggles.'

We're all allowed to be upset about whatever is going on for us, regardless of how much worse other people have it. Other people are equally allowed to gently push back if we are overwhelming them with our requests for sympathy. I'm finding self-awareness is thin on the ground in some quarters at the moment.

The grieving your pregnancy for this situation is a poor choice of phrase but it is definitely a horrible time to be pregnant. (People can still do nct though, they are running it virtually.)

I definitely agree with the op, as someone who definitely has complained about how much I'm struggling with a baby and a toddler, but I also know we are very lucky in some aspects such as having a garden. But for me this is hard and I'm concerned about getting pnd for the 2nd time.

Also I think some limits should apply. If you're complaining about your nails not looking perfect because you can't get them done now that's a bit much (for example). So I'm not sure exactly where I draw the line!

@PrivateD00r Being scared to go to appointments is one thing. Grieving the lack of a baby shower is quite another.

There is a line. We all have problems. We're all feeling different and difficult emotions. There's nothing wrong with feeling disappointment or upset or anything else but some people do need to get some perspective if they don't want others to get pissed off.

There are just certain situations I can't have much sympathy with and missing out on an event is one of them.

My baby is meant to be having a party to celebrate his 100 day anniversary (it's a Korean thing) and we can't do it. Yes I'm a little sad as it's a big deal here but I can accept it.

People struggling with isolation or stress I can sympathise with, of course.

Normally I would agree, but there's the small issue that everybody is in the same boat and suffering the same restrictions. It's harder to sympathise when SOME people forget that everybody is feeling a bit sorry for themselves.

Yes, it's shit, but it's shit for everybody.

And it's very difficult to sympathise with people who complain about having to spend time with their own children. They've always been moaning that even a week-long half term is too long, so it's not new, but really, if hardship is spending time with your own kids, it's the kids you feel sorry for!

It’s a really useful and beneficial thing to accentuate the positive in your own life. Thinking of people less fortunate than yourself and counting your blessings is a proven way of improving your own mental health.

But being told how lucky you are by someone else when you feel shit is a terrible thing to hear.

"Thinking of people less fortunate than yourself and counting your blessings is a proven way of improving your own mental health."

It's actually not, many studies have shown the opposite. Of course many have supported this theory too.

Happiness is hard to quantify.

Also counting your own blessings is one thing. But when someone tells me to count mine, it doesn't really have the same effect. Because in essence, that person isn't trying to cheer you up, they're telling you to swallow down any negative emotion because it's uncomfortable for them to deal with.