To be sick of "ohh there's worse off than you"

[Pushpushpoosh]

I've seen so much of it lately, on here, in news, on social media etc and I'm getting abit pissed off with it all now. There will always be someone worse off but other people's struggles don't make your feelings less valid!

Of course Susan's going to be gutted about her holiday getting canceld, I would be too. She's allowed to feel like this!

Of course Emma's finding it hard having all 3 kids at home all day it's fucking difficult you're allowed to feel frazzled and stressed.

Just because someones struggle seems to you like a drop in the ocean compared to what you're going through doesn't make it any less valid. It's not a competition. AIBU?

I think it’s important to get some perspective when you are feeling negative, it makes you realise things could be much worse and however terrible you feel there is or has been someone feeling far worse than you are. Having said that I used a phrase a lot when DH was in hospital needing a heart operation ‘it could be much worse but that doesn’t stop this being totally shit for us’.

YANBU.

I'm guilty of saying this too often myself, I'm starting to catch myself saying it now and stopping myself.
Everyone is struggling at the moment for their own different reasons, we shouldn't invalidate their feelings.

"I saw one the other day about "grieving your pregnancy" which turned out to actually just be about not getting a baby shower or pre natal classes."

Ffs

It's fine to be disappointed but acting like you are in mourning is pathetic.

Feelings are fine but some people think they are entitled to an instaperfect life.

Struggling with working from home, dealing with kids 24/7, isolation, fear of the future - fine. Struggling with not having a baby shower (when did that even become a thing?) - you need to grow the fuck up.

I'm fed up of not being 'allowed' to be sad.
I'm incredibly close to my mum and also do a job that I love but can't do during lockdown. I'm struggling mentally, this is new to me, I've always been a very happy, positive person and I'm finding life a massive struggle.
But apparently my feelings aren't valid. I'm meant to be thankful I don't have money worries, thankful my mum is still alive etc And ffs yes of course I'm bloody beyond thankful for those things but it does it mean I'm not allowed to grumble or feel down?
I'm sick to death of being silenced before I've even finished a bloody sentence!!!

I agree. It's not a competition. Everybody is going through their own personal "hell" at the moment, what seems trivial to some is huge to others. The idea that unless somebody you know dies you are not allowed any negative feelings is , quite frankly, shit.

@twinnywinny14 that last sentence in your post sums it up perfectly!
Next time I'm told to be thankful my mum is still alive I will trot that out!!

@velocitygirl7 You're definitely allowed to be. Ignore the toxic positivity people, they are emotionally dead.

You need to join this thread OP!

Anyone else want a No Judgement rant thread? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3874774-Anyone-else-want-a-No-Judgement-rant-thread

YANBU, I hate this at the moment!

It’s utterly crap for anyone for many many reasons and everyone is allowed to feel whatever loss/anger/frustration about it that they need to.

‘Someone’s broken leg doesn’t make your papercut feel any better’

Equally though, you’re not allowed to talk about your positives on here either! ‘But people are dying, how insensitive! Yes they are, as I quite easily could too but bugger me if I dwelled on that all the time and didn’t appreciate any positives I’d do myself in before Covid got the chance!

@Goatinthegarden I think there's a difference though between saying "I'm upset about X, but I have Y and Z to be thankful for" and being told "You shouldn't be upset about X because other people have Y and Z going on which is so much worse than X."

I try to do what you describe and remind myself that I do have things that are good in my life and I find that helpful.

However I don't find it helpful to be told my feelings are invalid because someone else is in an awful situation.

Because it's all become a race to the bottom and some people enjoy spreading misery like confetti.

It's some kind of fucked up limbo where you're either not miserable enough or too miserable/miserable for the wrong reasons.

I wondered about the 4 Yorkshiremen too! What did that mean?

I agree you can't measure misery

Telling someone they cant be sad because someone else has it worse, is like telling someone they cant be happy because someone else has it better.

@Helenshielding that is unbelievable! I've seen a few threads on here about "ruined pregnancy"

I'm grieving my pregnancy- I won't have to deal with going to my 20 week scan alone because our baby had Edwards syndrome and I had a termination at 13 weeks. I get that it's tough going to scans alone but moaning about baby showers - FFS

@velocitygirl7 the emphasis however is still on the ‘it could be worse’ part of the sentence. It acknowledges that things are crap but the fact remains it could be much worse and for many it is

It's terrible because it guilt trips people who are really struggling into silence. I was messaging a work who is suffering with MH issues and struggling to manage her young DC atm. She said she doesn't feel she can complain because she has a large house, her DH has a well paid job and there are millions worse off etc. I think it's very sad that people feel they can't vent if they are anywhere other than the bottom of the heap.

We've now been conditioned to believe that our 'first world problems' are not problems at all and we need to simply be quiet and remember others have it worse. Study mindfulness and accept our situation because complaining about it is destructive. Or in the words of my sister's favourite meme "start each day with a grateful heart"

@MushroomTree yeh I totally get what you mean, and I agree to a large extent.

One of my friends is completely catastrophic about everything, cried hysterically over her holiday being cancelled and reacts similarly to other problems that I would perhaps class as ‘not the end of the world’. I listened to her, was sympathetic, let her have her moment. Like I said, I don’t believe she isn’t allowed to be miserable just because other people have it worse. She sends me miserable texts about how bored and shite this all is every day. I listen, make the right noises, but it does grate a little when people continue to wallow over every single discomfort.

Conversely, another friend has had a holiday of a lifetime cancelled that they have planned and saved for for 18months. Her DP is a frontline nurse that she is extremely worried about. Her granny is ill in a care home. She’s having a really tough time, but she focuses on the positives and I believe she is happier in general because of her approach. I also love hearing from her - she certainly cheers me up far more.

About the pregnancy thing;

It actually is a really tough time to be pregnant. Women are terrified of going to their appointments as most are otherwise staying at home shielding. Yet they have to go alone. Normally, appointments are something to look forward to, getting to see or hear the baby. No antenatal education. Cannot see any friends or family to celebrate their pregnancy. Face the worry of having to go it alone in labour if they or their partner have symptoms or if hospital policy changes in the interim. No family allowed to see baby after, have to stay alone on the postnatal ward.

Pregnancy is usually a joyful time, for many it is now a frightening and lonely time.

Of course women get to be upset by that. Grieving may not be a good choice of words, but it really is a crap time to be pregnant.

I absolutely agree that no one should minimise another person's struggles.

But I also think some people just never stop moaning and like to play the perpetual victim. I can't stand that either.

@Goatinthegarden I know what you mean. I also have both of those types of friends and the constant misery does grate.

But we're all entitled to our feelings and I wouldn't start dishing out the "starving children" line. It wouldn't make either of us feel any better.

I've just started reducing my contact with "friends" who make me feel miserable.

Hmm I’ve had to cancel two holidays and am very uncertain as to my return to work ( on mat leave and due to return in may) but I have to say I can’t feel too sorry for myself because I do know people who have died and worry that some of the vulnerable children my husband teaches may not show up when school starts again. I can’t get upset by my situation.

I’m sick of people moaning about being furloughed though.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=ue7wM0QC5LE

I feel I like I bang on about it on here (because I do), but even when I was having chemo I was told stories about people having it worse than me.

I mean, people were having it worse than me, but...

Point being, I think that when people say these things they're talking more about their own fears than about you.

Which is why it's annoying.

I saw one the other day about "grieving your pregnancy" which turned out to actually just be about not getting a baby shower or pre natal classes.

I may be doing exactly what the OP is talking about here but as someone who actually has lost multiple pregnancies, this really fucking offends me