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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

An aibu if you're up

36 replies

serialnamechanger27 · 10/04/2020 23:46

I read threads all the time on mismatched sex drives and people always say it's doomed if your partner doesn't want it as much as you. I've read them and thought there has to be more to it than that. Did actually believe it but now I'm just so fed up.

Dp is 12 years older. I know he has viagra but he's never spoken to me honestly about it. He's spoken of his low libido and how it's always been that way and I've just come to accept that once a month (at best) is my deal. I've tolerated an irregular and fairly regimented (as in let's plan to have sex at this time on this day) sex life because everything else is great. But tonight the dc are at their dads and he'd suggested that tonight would be the night. We've had a nice meal, shared a bottle of wine, gone to bed and he just rolled over. I'm so sick of feeling rejected and unfulfilled and feeling like he jus expects me to put up with it.

I'm only mid 30s. I don't want to break up but I don't want my needs to be overlooked either. I've literally had to leave the bedroom and come downstairs to calm down because I don't want to make a big deal of it right now but I'm feeling so frustrated and fed up!!!

Please don't tell me to just end it. That's not always the answer and it certainly wouldn't be easy in this case. I just feel like we are so close in every other sense of our relationship but sexually things are stunted and awkward and difficult :(

OP posts:
Hadjab · 10/04/2020 23:54

You say he suggested, was he explicitly saying it was going to happen, or did you assume?

I don’t think he necessarily needs to have a discussion with you regarding the viagra, but you definitely need to have a frank and honest conversation about the disparity between you.

Original poster
serialnamechanger27 · 10/04/2020 23:58

He didn't explicitly say it but there were hints and suggestions. The kids are away at their dads all weekend so perhaps he's thinking it'll happen at some other point over the weekend but to be frank I'm fed up of waiting for the times he's ready. What about me and when I'm ready?

We do need a conversation but I fear there is only one outcome and it's that we're incompatible sexually. I can't make him be something he isn't. And I don't want to leave over it. I just feel really shit right now.

OP posts:
Krisskrosskiss · 11/04/2020 00:04

You need to talk to him about it. No one should feel pressured into having sex they dont want but if you are in a sexual relationship there should be at least some attempt to put effort into the sex side of things... sex isnt always as easy and natural as it is at the beginning of a relationship... especially if you've had kids or are getting older. So I do think it's something he should at least discuss with you.... and he should tell you plainly if he just doesnt want to have sex any more so that you can make decisions on the future of the relationship.

My husband is in his late 40s and I'm only 31 and we dont have as much sex as we used to... I have found that i need to be straightforward about it and actively come on to him if i want sex. We are both very tired and have two young children though... we used to have far more sex so i dont think it's a libido problem... just life at the moment....
if you and your partners sex drives are so mismatched in general and always have been.. and that is making you unhappy then all anyone is going to be able to say to you is that you may have to consider breaking up with him... it's your right to be in a sexually fulfilling relationship but it's also his right to be in a relationship where hes not pressured into sex and sometime when people sex drives are very different those rights just cant be reconciled.....

Original poster
serialnamechanger27 · 11/04/2020 00:14

Totally agree @Krisskrosskiss. At the start it was a lot better but I feel like he wasn't being his true self then. He doesn't communicate very well. I only know about the viagra because I found them by accident when I was cleaning. I think I would feel better about it if we could talk openly but he doesn't seem to want that.

I wish sex was natural and easy. Rather than planned and then when it doesn't happen the feelings of resentment and frustration. I don't want to pressure him but I do feel like he should be more honest and willing to communicate. He would rather me just put up and shut up.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 11/04/2020 00:18

The concern to me is the need for viagra for someone in their 40’s.
This would want me to talk to him about the medical causes for ED.
Does he have high blood pressure or diabetes?

Krisskrosskiss · 11/04/2020 00:19

I honestly think you need to think about ending the relationship then.. you say the relationship is fine apart from the sex... but how can it be fine if he wont discuss this with you? If you only found out about viagra because you found it, not because he told you? If you arent even sure whether he was being his true self? No relationship can survive if people arent communicating properly.
I think you should have one last go at really talking things through with him but if he doesnt respond or at least make an attempt to talk about it.... then call it a day... lifes too short to be with someone who doesnt give you what you need.. and that's not even about sex but intimacy and communication

Original poster
serialnamechanger27 · 11/04/2020 00:21

@Weenurse no there are other health issues but not those. He claims low libido and says he's always been this way. I'm not sure if there's more to it - porn or something - but no evidence to suggest that and we rarely are apart so I feel like I'd pick up on him wanking or whatever lol.

I can't press him or insist he does it. I have already sacrificed quite a lot by accepting once a month but now it's not even that and the disappointment when I've been building up to it for a whole day in lockdown and then it doesn't happen is quite crushing.

OP posts:
bombaychef · 11/04/2020 00:25

At 35 id still expect a pretty active sex life even if only once a week spuds to kids etc and take advantage if they were away... may be less so 20 years from then.

bombaychef · 11/04/2020 00:26

Due to kids I meant. If it's like this now, it's not going to change so the question is, what do you really want?

maras2 · 11/04/2020 00:27

Do you not have non penetrative sex ie. oral, manual stimulation?

Original poster
serialnamechanger27 · 11/04/2020 00:32

Nope we will have foreplay and full sex one every month - 2 months and nothing in between. He's still very affectionate with kisses and cuddles and compliments. But it seems to have never even crossed his mind that he/we could do sexual things without full sex. I suspect some sort of ED but in my heart I think it's more likely to be mental/lack of libido rather than a physical issue.

If he'd communicate it would be easier but as it is we just go from week to week with nothing then maybe the hint of something which I clearly take way to literally and get frustrated about when it doesn't happen.

OP posts:
LouiseCollina · 11/04/2020 00:50

I just couldn’t put up with this OP. As difficult as it may be I think you should gear yourself up for dragging him to a therapist when lockdown is over. Either that or accept the eventual break up you don’t want to happen, because anything that makes one partner this dissatisfied will eventually make them resentful and that’ll be the beginning of the end of your relationship.

Original poster
serialnamechanger27 · 11/04/2020 01:00

@LouiseCollina you are probably right. I think I've been burying my head in the sand for a long time trying to convince myself that it's not a big deal and sometimes it's not. But other times like now it builds up and feels like a real issue. I will attempt to talk to him at some point although I have no idea how and if nothing improves then I guess i May have to rethink things. We are due to get married next May

OP posts:
31weeksgone · 11/04/2020 01:05

Following because I too am/was in a similar situation. Fed up of having sex once a month when it’s convenient and planned out for him, so now I’m just refusing to have any further sex, not that he’s tried obviously. After lockdown ends it’s time to make a decision. Fed up of being rejected over and over and over.

LouiseCollina · 11/04/2020 01:23

It’s no way to live, my heart goes out to both of you. I have my own problems and all’s not perfectly rosy in my own relationship, but it’s important to me to know that neither of us feels neglected or rejected in this department. It’s important to feel desired for most of us. There should be a dating site for people with a much reduced need for sexual intimacy so they could pair up together and take themselves off the market!

AllTheseThingsThatIHaveNotDone · 11/04/2020 01:29

I think that's a shame - not PIV the frequency of that would not bother me at all - but the lack of intimacy. As you say there are other things you can do that don't require him having an erection. If he doesn't want to make you happy in other ways, irrespective of him not needing it reciprocated, that would be a deal breaker for me.

Floralnomad · 11/04/2020 01:32

OP are you trying to initiate sex / intimacy but being turned down or waiting for him to start things ?

Vedaisawesome · 11/04/2020 01:41

You're not married. Maybe he's having doubts. Is this maybe his way of telling you he wants out but hasn't the guts to actually be honest and end the relationship?

AllTheseThingsThatIHaveNotDone · 11/04/2020 01:41

And I don't think you should be marrying the guy unless you can talk openly and freely about sex with him. If you cannot say I'd like you to do x, y, z please and discuss it then you are looking at a platonic/asexual/low orgasm rate - I would have zero problem with d.i.y but not all the time. As to how to broach it, I think you just need to say clearly you need him to be open to suggestions and be more spontaneous - or at the very least, amenable if you are up for a massage or whatever. It wouldn't bother me having to initiate, it would bother me if he couldn't be arsed to do what was being asked. Wink

springydaff · 11/04/2020 01:47

What's going on that he doesn't sense the intense emotionally crushing response in you when sex was effectively promised and didn't materialise and he just rolled over.

How could anyone miss that strong, unspoken response - except wilfully?

I can't imagine the agony of this. The utter soul destruction of this for you.

You can't live like this Sad

AllTheseThingsThatIHaveNotDone · 11/04/2020 01:48

Oh and that does work both ways - nobody wants to be pestered or be a sex pest(!) but I have helped out partners on more than one occasion when I haven't been up for it myself. Sometimes it's led to me wanting x y z, sometimes I've lent a hand then gone to sleep. You nonetheless need to be able to say I want/Can you...and also be patient when it comes to fatigue etc (I have had low libido with pnd before so yes, there are times you just want to sleep or read your book or netflix without the chill....but still think there should be intimacy there or you're just housemates).

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 11/04/2020 02:31

Have you thought about self pleasure in bed next to him? Maybe he doesnt realise how frustrated you are. If he wont or doesnt want to communicate why not just help yourself? It might start the conversation of what are you doing? Why I'm pleasuring myself OH. Why are you doing that? Well because we dont have sex often enough to fulfill my needs and you seem to only think about your own. Maybe you would like to help (we dont have to have sex)? Oh replies yes or no....this will then give you an indication on how they truly view your sexual needs.

On another note me and my husband had difficulty for a number of years. We found out that condoms meant he became less sensitive and he found it hard to keep an erection because of this. So maybe once lockdown is over a councillor may be useful as others have said.

Original poster
serialnamechanger27 · 11/04/2020 08:39

I don't really initiate anymore. I tend to wait for him to lead things. There have been times where I've tried in the past and been met with 'nothing is going to happen' and the rejection is just humiliating after a while. He obviously isn't willing or able to have sex at these times and I don't want to keep putting pressure on him or face rejection myself so it's safer to just let him make the first move. Of course that way it just ends up feeling like it's always on his terms and I'm supposed to just go along with it when it suits him as it might be my only chance!

I was disappointed last night because I felt that the hints and suggestions he'd made all meant last night was the night and when it didn't happen I just felt really flat and disappointed. I got up and went downstairs because I was so fed up but didn't want to make an issue out of it or have a row at 11pm at night. But my leaving the room didn't go unnoticed and I think he's now annoyed with me for being annoyed with him!

I have wondered if it's a great idea to marry someone who I have these communication problems with but it's hard because every other element of our relationship is great. It's just this. I know it's a big part of a relationship but it's not like I haven't been aware of it for a while. I just don't know how to approach it in the right way.

OP posts:
springydaff · 11/04/2020 10:12

Have you thought about self pleasure in bed next to him?

That's horribly manipulative

springydaff · 11/04/2020 10:20

My exh was abusive and ex used behaviour like this as one of many ways to abuse me.

"it's not going to happen" is unkind at best. It sounds entirely on his terms. You're not even allowed to be upset but must entirely crush your (understandably) powerful response.

Sex is a very significant aspect of most romantic relationships. He is entirely controlling the agenda and he isn't even sorry for the immense pain it is causing you.

It doesn't sound good to me I'm afraid.

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