An aibu if you're up

[serialnamechanger27]

I read threads all the time on mismatched sex drives and people always say it's doomed if your partner doesn't want it as much as you. I've read them and thought there has to be more to it than that. Did actually believe it but now I'm just so fed up.

Dp is 12 years older. I know he has viagra but he's never spoken to me honestly about it. He's spoken of his low libido and how it's always been that way and I've just come to accept that once a month (at best) is my deal. I've tolerated an irregular and fairly regimented (as in let's plan to have sex at this time on this day) sex life because everything else is great. But tonight the dc are at their dads and he'd suggested that tonight would be the night. We've had a nice meal, shared a bottle of wine, gone to bed and he just rolled over. I'm so sick of feeling rejected and unfulfilled and feeling like he jus expects me to put up with it.

I'm only mid 30s. I don't want to break up but I don't want my needs to be overlooked either. I've literally had to leave the bedroom and come downstairs to calm down because I don't want to make a big deal of it right now but I'm feeling so frustrated and fed up!!!

Please don't tell me to just end it. That's not always the answer and it certainly wouldn't be easy in this case. I just feel like we are so close in every other sense of our relationship but sexually things are stunted and awkward and difficult :(

Just because "it's not going to happens" for him doesn't mean he can't do anything for you I've had partners that are very happy to oblige even when he "couldn't get it up".

Can you ask him to ‘sort you out’ in other ways? My DP is a bit older and uses Biafra abs has lower sex drive. However, he’s aware of this and always offers/comes onto me to ensure I’m satisfied regularly. It’s always been like this, which helps his awareness I think. However, I’m not afraid to tell him when I need it!

My DH is one of the best people you could ever meet. He’s kind, generous, calm, responsible, communicative and a good dad.

However he has a lower sex drive than me. In the beginning it was okayish as we went through periods every few months where is was great and then tailed off a bit. It was never terrible though.

Then along came children.

We’ve not had sex in two years. I hate it, but not actively, it’s sort of in the background but I’ve decided I’ll put up with it as I can’t imagine otherwise at present.

There are other factors at play which I won’t go onto but I have put on a lot of weight and I suspect he finds me unattractive now (and I can’t blame him for that: I look awful) but he would NEVER tell me that.

He tells me he loves me all the time, is affectionate and caring, but I feel like I’m living with my best friend.

I’m honestly not sure what I’d do if I had had a crystal ball 15 years ago.

I absolutely adore him but find this very hard.

Really think about what you’re doing with this man. You’re still young and I think this is unlikely to improve unless you can talk frankly about it.

How can you get married when it sounds like the passion has all but gone? The stage you're at, sounds more like you've been married 20 years! Not engaged

I could have written this myself. I feel your pain. I really do.

I'm going through exactly the same thing and it's going round and round my mind. Which is why I'm awake at this stupid time again.

My husband is wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

But the sex....?

Non existent.

Always had a much lower sex drive than me but we've made it work. We have 4 DC ages 13-4. But was the same pretty much all the way through. Except the first year or so....

Been together 15 years. Married for 12.

DH isn't a great communicator and sucks at any form of "confrontation" so it can be a bit of a delicate subject. We are pretty open when it comes to discussing preferences etc.

But I emailed him (our chosen way of dealing with delicate subjects due to the comm issues) the other night as I'm sick of it playing on my mind and nothing. After I sent it to another email address for the second time he finally told me he'd received the email. But that was it.

No actual discussion.

I'm at a total loss. Obviously it's hard to get into a discussion with 4 DC around but I'm at absolute breaking point. I just want a shag ffs!!

So... Apologies for the hijack. I just wanted to say you're not alone. I have no advice. But you're not alone.

And the award for the least helpful post goes to

Thank you it does help to know I'm not alone.

All week there has been the subtle promise of something happening this weekend as the kids are at their dads. They are due back later today and still nothing has happened. I am so disappointed. I so miss that physical intimacy and am fed up with getting myself revved up and excited for something that then never happens. If nothing happens today I'm going to have to talk to him. We have had a child free weekend with absolutely nothing else to do, no pressure, and still it's like this.

Believe me I have thought about the marriage. And I genuinely don't want the rest of my life to be like this. But when you have an otherwise solid relationship, financial commitments, when my kids and family have bonded with him and we've built a life together it seems very shallow to end it all over irregular sex.

I'm aware though that it's gone beyond that now and it's not just the physical lack of sex it's the emotional side that's bothering me to - his apparent lack of care or awareness to my feelings and the issues with communication too. I need to try and have a chat but it just never seems to go very well.

The DC aren't his then? Having been in a very similar situation I can relate to a lot of what you and PP say, especially when you say you don't initiate any more due to the humiliation of continually being rejected, and always having sex on his terms as it's your only chance. This doesn't get better. I left my DH due to this and have had genuinely fulfilling sexual relationships since with people that actively wanted me. Please give leaving some consideration, you deserve better than to live the rest of your life feeling undesirable.

Is it possible that he’s run out of viagra?

He definitely hasn't run out of viagra in fact he has loads because we never bloody use it! I understand viagra doesn't increase libido it just allows him to keep an erection and I do believe that he struggles with lack of desire. He just doesn't seem bothered. He is happy with our relationship being like this. And no the dc are not his.

I know it really does boil down to accepting it or leaving because I realise now I can't change him. This is how he is. I have accepted once a month even though it's less than I would ideally like but now it must have been 6 weeks or more and to then make suggestions that it would happen this weekend then now follow through, feels like a big kick in the teeth after this long.

Do not marry him. You know it’s going nowhere.