Husband wfh and I'm struggling to cope

[ruby200]

Really just need a rant more so. I think I'm BU. My husband has been wfh for the last few weeks. I still work outside the home but part time. Aibu to just feel a lot of resentment at the moment that he's working away and I'm trying to keep the children entertained and stop them from disturbing him as well as potty train a toddler and look after a baby too? Then I'm making lunch for him for 1pm and he leaves goes back to his "office" whilst I clean up then he goes for a run at 6pm. To top it off he was up to 5am last night on house party with his friends drinking and could barely function today not to mention the noise which kept me up. He's asleep now and I'm trying to get stuff sorted for work at 6am when I should be well in bed by now.

Why are you doing all of this ?

You think you're BU? Why? My dh can be thoughtless but he'd never treat me like that. He's walking all over you.

Stop enabling this shit. He is being a selfish prick.

What would you be doing if he wasn’t having to work from home? The same?

what would he do if you didn’t make his lunch and gave him the baby when he finished before he can literally run off?

You are bu about having the hump about keeping the kids quiet and entertained, obv. But my suggestion would be to fuck off out at 6pm for your own run, and leave him to dinner bath bed. He can go for a run when the kids are in bed and you’re back.
House party until 5am? Is he 15 or something?
Everyday stresses feel like mountains right now. But he’s being an entitled cock.

How could you BU? Why?
I think it’s fair that you are looking after DC when he’s working. But is he always working when he’s sitting in his office?
I would expect him to spend more time with DC in current situation. He’s not commuting so has more time. He could help you with housework and DC once he’s finished work. He also could take one of DC with him for a run - in a push chair.
And I wouldn’t make his lunch (unless you prefer rationing food yourself) and definitely wouldn’t clean after him.

You're enabling this OP

My H is working from home too, and I do make his lunch but that's because he's bored, he misses his colleagues, he used to love eating lunch with someone and having someone to talk to so I make us both something and I also appreciate the company (and who doesn't love a good cooked meal for lunch, which I have time to make).
He also clocks off, and if he wants to play video games he asks how I feel about it and if I honestly say no, not tonight, I would like company/time away from being the primary parent/miss him, he won't second guess it.
He gets up early to do the dishes before work so I don't have to worry about tidying up and I think it's just common decency for every one to pitch into the communal living space as and when the mess gets made.

If your husband isn't helping you, ask him to. If he just lacks the part of his brain where he can't understand that he has responsibilities then stop rewarding his bad behaviour with cooked meals for his lunch, or letting him just neglect that he's also privy to the mess made.

Just put your foot down.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Like any crisis bring out sides of people you didn't see before. However it doesn't seem a major issue, but something you don't want to let slide. It's in a lot of people's nature I think to take advantage, so just put your foot down before it gets on top of you. Presumably usually things are ok?

If I’m hungover I’m on childcare in the morning. Strangely I don’t drink much. I don’t think my wife is particularly evil. If she’s drunk I return the favour, it happens even less often. Might be worth trying.

Talk to DP. At the very least you should be taking turns in getting out of the house while the other does bedtime/chores etc. You shouldn't be getting all the drudgery while DP goes for a jolly run in the sunshine every night. Getting out for exercise isn't just about exercising. It's about head space and mental health too. Make sure you get some time for you.

I feel your pain as DHs company expect everyone to just carry on

stop being a matyr

Yeah I get it. Mine is NHS so therefore has taken over MY office - I have WFM from for 10 years, ignore the kids during working hours - so I have to sort even though that is usually my wroking hours also - they are primary aged so get bored easily. At 630 if I'm lucky he switches off and tries to go for a run - and moans that actually dinner is on the table so he can't! Today though he took them for a long walk and then spent hours in the garden so I could get on... because I like working all day on a sunny saturday...

Why are you all the enabling selfish men ? Last time I looked most able bodied men have two hands and are quite capable of making their own food.

Yes you need to look after the kids if you chose to work part time. Alternatively- if you no longer wish to take on that mantle then you work full time and suggest he goes part time.. and takes in child care.

In reality - women who reduce their hours for childcare take the hit on their time and finances. The fairest way is for you both to work full time and split childcare down the middle.

My husband does exactly the same in terms of work, then a run, then we have dinner and put the children to bed. But I get time for me too - a bath while he tidies up dinner, a lie in while he sorts out the toddler, etc. You need to find a balance that works and at the moment it sounds like this is tipped far too in favour of your husband. Stand up for yourself. You deserve time to yourself too.

Just stop doing as much if it's too much. Or start doing more for yourself. When I felt dh was taking the piss, I wrote a rota for all of the chores split according to how much work we did so it was fair - we both knee what we were each required to do so there was no room for arguments or resentment.

If he can clock off at 6pm for a run, he can clock off at 6pm to help with bedtime / dinnertime etc then you both take it in turns to have a breather / run when all the tasks are done.

I make my husband lunch and dinner, clear up and sort the kids out but he has been doing 80 hour weeks. I wouldn't be doing this if he finished at 6pm every night.

Why isn’t he doing anything?

Yes unreasonable staying up until 5am when he's a parent.

Besides that you are lucky to have the time to spend with the small children you have been blessed with. Its a privilege to be with your baby and toddler. He's working and earning money, you are looking after your children. Both important roles.

Make a rota. Agree who does what at what time. Then it's clear and no resentment to be have.

Well it a start stop doing his lunch. You wouldn’t do it when he’s not there. Divide up the various jobs between you

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to look after the kids on your non-working days, but on the days you are supposed to be working childcare should be shared more evenly.

Some of the replies on here seem to suggest that because you work part time that ALL the childcare should fall to you.

This is how inequality becomes further entrenched.

Some of my colleagues are doing a split shift so that each partner can have uninterrupted work time whilst the other cares for the children - might that work better?

As for the 6pm run - that should be taken in turns - your day/his day. No one could suggest that is not fair.

Unfortunately there's still a view that if you're working full time and bringing in a decent wage you should be excused your share of domestic work. Doesn't seem to work when it's the woman working full time though

Another one here who's OH moans if dinners ready and he's just started doing something (after I've already said dinners ready in ten minutes) or he's planning on doing something. Jeez..

I'm getting fed up of it all, dh sits in his office from 8am to 8pm only emerging for food & loo breaks. I work part time but I'm also doing home schooling, housework and my own work. Can't be arsed with another 2 months of this. He keeps making pathetic noises about doing his share and then nothing.