Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to leave the flat?

49 replies

crackersandbiscuits · 10/04/2020 22:22

So I have a flatmate and we get on fairly well but there's one issue that is cropping up and I don't know what to do anymore.

So I have a LDR with my partner and I see them a few times a month and these visits involve him coming to me around twice a month on weekends. My flatmate currently has a friend with benefits (her words) who visits a few times a week with no prior warning - she'll sometimes sneak him in at midnight without letting me know and I don't know this guy so it makes me feel uneasy not getting a heads up.

The issue: I feel like I walk on eggshells in my own flat whenever he's around. They constantly use the communal spaces with loud music and it's just making me feel uncomfortable in my own home as they never engage with me and act like I am not there. They also have really loud sex, now when I'm on my own it's not a big deal because I can use headphones to drown it out but when my partner visits it ruins the mood for us. It's beginning to put a dampner on our infrequent weekends together because all the above is happening. (We do go out and do things, we aren't in my flat all the time but on evenings we are).

I have asked her if, whenever my partner is over, she can go to his place to give us some peace - she's done it once and I had a really nice weekend with my partner because we could finally relax. But now she's complaining she doesn't want to do that and she'll invite him over whenever she likes. (She has invited him over a couple of times during the lockdown which I have become very stressed with but that's a whole other story).

We're both early 30s and this has only started to become an issue recently (me moving out right now isn't an option). I thought we could handle it like adults but it's becoming dificult to have a civil conversation about it.

I understand it's her place too but when he visits so much and doesn't pay rent/utilities I don't think my request is too ridiculous.
For added info she said there's nothing wrong with his place, she just prefers ours.

SO - Am I really being unreasonable asking her to go to his place a couple of times a month while my partner visits?

This is all about how I am going to go ahead with this issue after lockdown, I have not had my partner over since lockdown and I do not intend to either

OP posts:
magicfarawaytrees · 10/04/2020 22:25

Does the flat belong to you or do you both rent it from the same landlord? This impacts how I will respond.

However my sympathies are with you, sound later rubbish and inconsiderate.

magicfarawaytrees · 10/04/2020 22:26

*sounds really

Papoy · 10/04/2020 22:27

It is her home too, you cant tell her what to do if this is an equal flat-share situation...
Perhaps it is time to move out for you or her if you own the flat...

WinterCat · 10/04/2020 22:27

I agree she sounds really inconsiderate but surely neither of you have got anyone coming to your place at the moment anyway?

JKScot4 · 10/04/2020 22:28

He shouldn’t be coming and going just now anyway!

JayAlfredPrufrock · 10/04/2020 22:30

Surely neither of you have visitors at the moment?

Papoy · 10/04/2020 22:30

By the way my comment doesnt mean she is right... But thats the response you will get from her ..

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 10/04/2020 22:32

YABU she pays rent she has the right to stay at the place she is paying for.

Malvinaa81 · 10/04/2020 22:32

Neither of you should have casual visitors and that would solve your problems.

Just read the government guidelines.

They apply to you- believe it or not.

Taddda · 10/04/2020 22:33

If it's an equal share I think it's time to part ways (shes also had her boyfriend over during lockdown...I'm guessing you've had words over this?).

Your both in relationships though, is there any movement towards either of you looking to move in with your partners anyway?

PotteringAlong · 10/04/2020 22:35

I understand it's her place too

I’m not sure you do

Original poster
crackersandbiscuits · 10/04/2020 22:36

So yeah we both rent the flat so I have no leg to stand on in that regard I guess it's more of a moral question.

I thought my request was reasonable and we could come to a civil agreement but maybe I am asking too much.

I am planning on moving in with my partner at the end of the year (we're long distance due to job situations)

In regards to lock down - I've spoken to her and she's finally seen sense and hasn't had him over for a week so far but he had visited twice after lockdown was set.

OP posts:
Original poster
crackersandbiscuits · 10/04/2020 22:38

Also just for clarity - I am following government guidelines to a T - I have not had casual visitors over - my post is mainly the fact that this was a situation BEFORE lockdown

OP posts:
Taddda · 10/04/2020 22:40

Does she know your planning on moving in with your partner at the end of the year? Time to make other arrangements etc?

Plus if that's the case I don't really see the problem, it's finite-

Viviennemary · 10/04/2020 22:42

Neither of you should be having anyone to stay at this time. A flatmate who constantly has a partner round a lot is annoying at the best of times. So I sympathise.

Samtsirch · 10/04/2020 22:42

OP does your flat mate feel the same when your ldr partner comes over?
Have you ever met up with your ldr partner in a separate place so that you are not impinging on her?

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2020 22:45

YABVU - so you can have your partner for weekends and he doesn’t contribute financially but she can’t?

Ffs can’t people fucking read; you have clearly stated you haven’t had anyone over during lockdown

Aderyn19 · 10/04/2020 22:47

I don't think you can reasonably ask her to leave the flat when your bf comes over. You can ask her to to take the piss with the communal areas and to pay a share of the bills that reflects how often her bf is there. But he careful with this or you may find it gives her free reign to let him practically move in, do long as she pays.

I think this arrangement has run its course tbh and as soon as you are able, you should move out.

Haffdonga · 10/04/2020 22:52

So I have a LDR with my partner and I see them a few times a month and these visits involve him coming to me around twice a month on weekends.

and

I am following government guidelines to a T - I have not had casual visitors over

You certainly are NOT.

Original poster
crackersandbiscuits · 10/04/2020 22:54

Thank you for all your replies.

I'll accept that I am being unreasonable on this one! Tensions have been high in my flat due to lockdown and I guess I've been stewing on how much him visiting upsets me!

I'm going to try being open minded and ignore the situation until I move out and I'll try speaking about the rent situation (both involving her partner and mine!)

I just don't like feeling unwelcome in my own flat really - my partner and I involve my flatmate in meals and are friendly with her/invite her to watch movies whereas her partner grunts at me and acts like I don't exist...sounds like a very petty problem I know

OP posts:
Queenoftheashes · 10/04/2020 22:56

You can’t really ask her to fuck off out of her own home for the weekend no. Just move in with your partner as soon as possible and accept you’re in a flatshare in the meantime.

Original poster
crackersandbiscuits · 10/04/2020 22:57

@Haffdonga

Please read properly.

I haven't seen my partner since late feb...I wrote in my post I haven't seen my partner since lockdown

OP posts:
Original poster
crackersandbiscuits · 10/04/2020 22:57

@Haffdonga

Please read properly.

I haven't seen my partner since late feb...I wrote in my post I haven't seen my partner since lockdown

OP posts:
LouiseCollina · 10/04/2020 22:59

I'd just move as soon as possible after lockdown OP. Shagging someone senseless within earshot is just plain bad manners, whether it's a partner, husband, friends-with-benefits or anyone else.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 10/04/2020 23:02

How long is the tenancy? Just leave when it is even if it's to a short-term let. But no, you can't ask her ot leave her own home so you can entertain your boyfriend.