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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask her to leave the flat?

49 replies

crackersandbiscuits · 10/04/2020 22:22

So I have a flatmate and we get on fairly well but there's one issue that is cropping up and I don't know what to do anymore.

So I have a LDR with my partner and I see them a few times a month and these visits involve him coming to me around twice a month on weekends. My flatmate currently has a friend with benefits (her words) who visits a few times a week with no prior warning - she'll sometimes sneak him in at midnight without letting me know and I don't know this guy so it makes me feel uneasy not getting a heads up.

The issue: I feel like I walk on eggshells in my own flat whenever he's around. They constantly use the communal spaces with loud music and it's just making me feel uncomfortable in my own home as they never engage with me and act like I am not there. They also have really loud sex, now when I'm on my own it's not a big deal because I can use headphones to drown it out but when my partner visits it ruins the mood for us. It's beginning to put a dampner on our infrequent weekends together because all the above is happening. (We do go out and do things, we aren't in my flat all the time but on evenings we are).

I have asked her if, whenever my partner is over, she can go to his place to give us some peace - she's done it once and I had a really nice weekend with my partner because we could finally relax. But now she's complaining she doesn't want to do that and she'll invite him over whenever she likes. (She has invited him over a couple of times during the lockdown which I have become very stressed with but that's a whole other story).

We're both early 30s and this has only started to become an issue recently (me moving out right now isn't an option). I thought we could handle it like adults but it's becoming dificult to have a civil conversation about it.

I understand it's her place too but when he visits so much and doesn't pay rent/utilities I don't think my request is too ridiculous.
For added info she said there's nothing wrong with his place, she just prefers ours.

SO - Am I really being unreasonable asking her to go to his place a couple of times a month while my partner visits?

This is all about how I am going to go ahead with this issue after lockdown, I have not had my partner over since lockdown and I do not intend to either

OP posts:

Haffdonga · 10/04/2020 23:02

Sorry @crackersandbiscuits I had misread your post.

Spider7 · 10/04/2020 23:03

Hoffdinger bloody read and learn how to comprehend what you are reading. Very clearly OP has stated the coming around at weekends was before lockdown and simce lock down her partner has not visited. She most certainly IS following guidelines. Fucking curtain twitchers always quick to cast judgement and often erroneously so

Taddda · 10/04/2020 23:04

I dont think your being too unreasonable here- I do think its time to have the chat and make other arrangements though.

Spider7 · 10/04/2020 23:04

Sorry just saw your apology...

SapphireSeptember · 10/04/2020 23:04

This is all about how I am going to go ahead with this issue after lockdown, I have not had my partner over since lockdown and I do not intend to either

@Haffdonga Did you miss that part of the OP before jumping on them?

I feel your pain OP, I had a housemate who's girlfriend was here half the time (despite it being against the rules) and they were noisy and messy and when they were here they took over the kitchen. It used to drive me potty.

Zombiemum1946 · 10/04/2020 23:04

If you plan to move out at the end of the year, maybe go to visit dp at his place after lockdown to see each other ? It's good she's seen sense and stopped having fwb round during lockdown, but it sounds like you need to have a talk about how to go forward until you move out.

SapphireSeptember · 10/04/2020 23:06

Oops, cross posted. Sorry @Haffdonga. 😊

Appiandterri · 10/04/2020 23:18

it's her place too

Yep. And I’m totally with you in that I am in the ‘considerate, must think of others category’. Your flat mate is obviously in the ‘I pay rent I’m entitled to use my flat as I want, even when I have guests and stuff how it impacts my flatmate’ category.

But
Am I really being unreasonable asking her to go to his place a couple of times a month while my partner visits?
Yes that WBU. Your flatmate shouldn’t have to vacate just so you are relaxed enough to feel comfortable. You share a flat, you have to learn to ignore that there is another person there.
he visits so much and doesn't pay rent/utilities I don't think my request is too ridiculous.
Again, I think this is UR, he can’t be there that much that he is increasing your bills. If he is, and you have proof of increased bills, by all means request he contributes but rent - no, electricity minimal, water - only if he takes really long showers and sticks the washing machine on for a long wash every time he stays, surely? But if you can see an increase in bills then yes, ask her to contribute the extra.
my partner and I involve my flatmate in meals and are friendly with her/invite her to watch movies
So don’t. Don’t involve her if she is so inconsiderate and you feel she is just engaging for a free meal. She obviously isn’t a friend so stop including her.

Him coming over during social distancing - NO!

SirVixofVixHall · 10/04/2020 23:33

Very noisy sex when you share a space is cringy , inconsiderate and weird . I would assume she is an exhibitionist.
That and the loud music, just self centred and terrible manners. I could not live with someone like that. I would have a frank conversation and ask her to keep the bloody noise down, and I would try and move asap.
I feel for you OP.

nettie434 · 10/04/2020 23:37

My partner and I involve my flatmate in meals and are friendly with her/invite her to watch movies

I think this is the real problem Crackersandbiscuits. You might feel differently if the FWB were more friendly. He is obviously only concentrating on one part of his FWB role It’s also hard that FWB lives nearby but your partner does not. Personally, I’d focus on the lack of polite engagement with you rather than the additional costs of having him over and explain to your flatmate that he is a guest and should really do the minimum in terms of making sure you feel comfortable when he is over.

Wauden · 10/04/2020 23:41

Her fwb sounds awful, what with the grunt and the ignoring bollox. Hopefully she will see that he has no manners.

JasonPollack · 10/04/2020 23:48

YABU she is entitled to use the space as she likes with what guests she likes. If you allow them to intimidate you that is really your problem. if you resent including her when your partner stays, stop doing it.

BillysMyBunny · 11/04/2020 00:01

Cant you just go to your partners instead of having him come to you?

SewItGoes · 11/04/2020 00:02

You may not have a legal right to ask that of her, but I don't blame you for wishing she'd be more accommodating. Her fwb spends more time in your flat than your partner does, and it sounds like your partner is more polite and sociable than her grumpy, grunting fwb.

As for the loud sex, that's just disgusting rude, when they know you're having to either hear it or wear headphones to block it out. (That's so gross and unnecessary. I'd suspect they're getting off on making you listen.)

If she's not willing to spend more time at his place, I doubt she'll be receptive to suggestions that they spend more time in her room or at least keep the sex noise to a minimum-- but I might try asking, anyway, at least during the weekends when your partner is visiting.

user1473878824 · 11/04/2020 00:05

Hmm. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, and she’s being hugely inconsiderate but equally I don’t think you can tell her what to do in what is also her own home, and it’s a bit much for someone to stay with a FWB for a whole weekend just for you. Flat shares are tricky, just be glad you’re moving out and then this is the “oh my god my worst flat mate was...” dinner party chat.

crimsonlake · 11/04/2020 00:11

Your initial post is quite confusing as you word it as if you own the flat.
Since you do not I think it is a bit much to ask her to let you know prior to her boyfriend staying over. It is not one rule for one and one for another since your boyfriend stays over too.
As others have said this is a non problem right now as neither of you should be having visitors.
Really this is part and parcel of a flat share.

ManchesterChidless · 11/04/2020 00:33

Why don’t you move out? Surely that’s the better option

magicfarawaytrees · 11/04/2020 08:55

Use this as an incentive to save and move out. I know it’s a pain but it’s the only way to resolve the problem. I only shared with other people once, at university, it was a life lesson that I’m shit at it!! 😂

We had a girl there that practically moved her boyfriend in. He was there more than any of us. Never offered us a penny, was constantly in the bathroom and both total scratters (he left the bathroom in a disgusting state and they had ants in their bedroom because of food on plates left lying around for weeks. He was also a weirdo. I asked why they never stayed in his house share to be told ‘we don’t like it there, it’s messy’.

Honestly you won’t change her. Save up and get your own space :)

magicfarawaytrees · 11/04/2020 09:00

But I would chat with her and say you can hear her having sex, and can she tone it down. That’s just gross and very rude. Put it this way people with kids in the house manage not to be noisy as hell so it can be done.

HannaYeah · 11/04/2020 09:06

She sounds like a really awful, inconsiderate person.

She should not have to leave when you have your partner over. However, she also should not have someone over that’s so rude and inconsiderate. Not acknowledging you in your own home is outrageous, as are all of their other behaviors.

She’s probably not going to care, no matter what you say. She sounds like a pig.

frumpety · 11/04/2020 09:37

Could you play The birdie song really loud each time they have sex ? I don't believe there is a man on the planet who could maintain any sort of worthwhile rhythm with that as the soundtrack !

heartsonacake · 11/04/2020 09:44

YABVU. You both rent the flat equally. You can’t ask her to leave to male you feel more comfortable. If you feel uncomfortable, that is your issue to work on.

Also, why should her partner have to engage with you beyond a polite hello? Sure, you include your flatmate in stuff with your partner (though do you even know if she wants to be included? Sounds like you’re doing it more for you than her) but she doesn’t have to do the same.

If her partner isn’t interested in getting close to you that’s absolutely fine.

motherheroic · 11/04/2020 13:29

I don't see how you are being unreasonable. They take over the communal area and then intentionally have loud sex while you're around.

OldEvilOwl · 11/04/2020 14:51

YABU! She is entitled to have visitors just as much as you are. You could have a word with her about the noise though, that's just plain selfish

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