To want to know what makes kids hate their parents?

[Pumpcushion]

This might get long but please stick with me as I have thought about this a lot. As an older child and teenager I really hated my parents and spent a lot of time thinking about running away and just disappearing. I got in with a bad crowd and saw and did things I have mostly erased, I got into bad relationships/ slept around and I feel now this was all desperate attempts to gain approval from others. I have suffered with low self esteem and depression/anxiety most of my adult life, my siblings seem to have similar issues but it came out in different ways (such as shut away alone gaming all the time).
However, all in all I had a wonderful childhood and a loving family. My parents weren’t perfect, for example my dad as I got older (or more difficult) seemed to lose interest in really talking to me or engaging and would sit watching tv or reading. My mum I remember being very emotional, inconsistent with changeable moods, short temper and you never quite knew what you were going to get. I have a few specific bad memories like my dad calling me a stupid bitch when I was about 10 and my mum having what I think now was a nervous breakdown and losing it, screaming at us uncontrollably. I don’t want to give a picture that it was bad though, it wasn’t. They supported me, were always around, took us on lively family trips and loved and cared for us, we wanted for nothing.

Anyway, I now have small children of my own and worry about them feeling like I did. I want to do the best possible job to make sure they are confident and have high self worth. And like me! I see many families with kids at the age I was feeling all this hatred really getting on with their parents and having positive relationships. Are any of you parents out there who have achieved this? How do you do it? Or is it not the parents doing and just difficult years which I will need to prepare myself for?

I had a mum like yours, she had a full on nervous breakdown and would scream and cry, tell us she wished she’s had us adopted etc
I do fear being like her.
I used to not have any time for her but as I’ve got older I’ve forgiven her and am able to see her as a person who’d been going through a horrendous time. She really done her best in many other ways.
I think children don’t see their parents and humans and expect more from them than they are capable of giving.
But if you are in a good place yourself I think you can be in a better position to meet your children’s emotional needs and have a better relationship with them.
It’s natural for teenagers to rebel and sneer at their parents though

I feel like parenting has changed since my parents were raising me. I'm more involved in my DC's lives than my parents were in mine, and their relationship was very different to the one I have with DH - they never really got on well so their toils and problems seems to dictate much of my teen years.

We have fun, we have traditions, we spend time with each of the DC alone as well as together so that they each get a bit of us without work, school and xbox distracting us. We travel often and (so far) like one another's company.

DS1 is 14 and enjoys being around DH and I far more than I liked my parents at 14. Partly because I was a little feral (angry cliche'd teen, grew up for ten years in foster care, needed to prove something to them). Plus our DC aren't complex creatures - they do a lot of sport and physical activity, we talk and are open with them about emotions and relationships and what they need. I'm hopeful it stays this way a while longer. As Lightline says if you're in a good place you're more likely to build a positive relationship with your DC than if you're struggling.

I wish I could answer that x
I used to think my daughter hated me , that I was a terrible parent even though I had always done my best. I tore myself up and then I had an epiphany
I was transferring all my insecurities about being a rubbish parent on her . She has a lovely family She’s a job she loves & is happy she’s also very busy
Because I want to see her my insecurities were translating this as rejection . I spent years helping my daughter grow into a strong beautiful independent woman & was then stressing because she doesn’t need me enough
Stupid or what!
I guess what I’m trying to say is just love them , be there for them & do your best
This is not something you can control
As I’ve got older I understand more my mum Why did the things She did and what a brat I was

Thanks Lightline, this is very familiar to me, we all get on very well now and I can see they tried their best as you say. I fear becoming the same though, with the depression and anxiety already being there ☹️ I couldn’t forgive myself if my kids ended up feeling like me

I never fell out with my mum throughout my teenage years because she always treated me like a sensible near-adult with opinions that were likely to be based on sensible consideration of information.
I fell out with my dad quite a lot because he treated me like a younger child who had to be kept in a subordinate position and controlled, and from whom any opinion was personally challenging ‘cheek’.

I can only comment on what changed my relationship with my mum. We were very close up until I was about 15. I feel she really wasn't prepared for my teenage years and had completely forgotten what it was like to be a teen. I was an A grade student, fairly angelic and didn't do half of what my friends were up to, but she would over react at the smallest thing. I know it was out of love, but it pushed me away. She also tended to play the martyr and any issues would always be brought back to how they affected her, rather than me. She just never viewed things through my eyes and quite often I felt more like the adult. I lost respect for her. Many years later we are closer, but we certainly don't have the cosy 'I love you' relationship I really hope to have with my DD.

It's a multitude of things to me (terrible relationship with mother). Her love being conditional, drip drip drip of 24/7 criticism of every facet of me, my character, my behaviour, my looks etc. Unrealistic expectations that I be perfect, taking her resentment at being adopted & then a SAHM out on me etc. Overly rigid, overly disciplinarian for tiny, normal kids 'stuff' etc. By age 9, I feared & loathed her tbh.

I've just asked my 14 year old why he doesn't hate me. He replied "You made me dinosaur shaped sandwiches when I was little".

All these years I'd hoped it was parenting and it turns out it was food.

I think with my parents, they just didn’t have the ability to see things through my eyes as pp said.

When I was doing my GCSEs for example, a lot of my friends were promised money from their parents, usually on a sliding scale depending on grades. I mentioned it to my parents and the attitude was “You should do well anyway, not depending on what you’ll get.” Totally missing the point that in my 15/16 year old head, my friends parents were acknowledging the pride they had for their children.

They were always quite uptight about me having friends round for tea after school (had to plan it days in advance) and I was rarely allowed sleepovers (I can only remember one but there may have been more).

We didn’t have much money as my mum had always been a SAHM but then my dad was made redundant when I was 12. He did get another job but it was at a lower level and much lower salary so we struggled. My grandad died which enabled them to pay off the mortgage (DM was his only child). It was made clear even at that age how ‘poor’ we were, how I shouldn’t expect anything other than the basics. They nagged me to get a job if I wanted spending money for clothes/make up etc. but then when my friends aunt said I could be a waitress for her catering business, they refused to let me as it was ‘illegal’ as I was only 13/14. Instead they made me get a paper round which paid as little as £4 a week and involved being out for hours a week in the dark and all weathers. It was like they didn’t want me to have it easier than they had at that age.

As they were both only children they had no idea how annoying my little brother was and how I was always disappointed that (apart from my ballet class) I never got to do anything without him. Looking back, they genuinely seemed clueless about why we fought and argued so much and in their eyes it was great that we had someone to play with all the time.

When I started sixth form, I sort of gave up bothering doing any work as it was made clear I wouldn’t be able to go away to uni and would have to commute an hour or more each way.

Even up to three years ago (I’m 40 and married) when I was made redundant, the first thing my mum said was “Well, you won’t be able to have your nails and hair done now!” Why would someone even say that? And how was it helpful? And as I’m married did she not think that my DH would pay (he’s retired but has a very good pension and we have savings, our house is owned outright)?

Even now, I know they think I ‘waste’ money by having beauty treatments and getting takeaways etc. (Obviously when not in lockdown). They are however a little more restrained in expressing it. I genuinely think part of it is jealousy, as when they were my age they were struggling and I have it a lot easier as they weren’t able to afford these things and it wasn’t part of their world.

They were always saying I just needed to save to get a house - conveniently ignoring the fact that my DGM had given them 50% of the purchase price of their first house.

I don’t (and never have) hate them but I do think they could have been more understanding and up to date with their thinking.

Connection. And strong boundaries, makes kids feel secure and loved. But mostly connection. Hard and soft love.

My Dad is/was like yours. Totally disinterested. My mum was lonely miserable run off her feet and drank too much. They had no time or interest in me. My teen years weren't great. I'm in my mid thirties and only just managed to build up a normal amount of self esteem.

My kids however, so far so good. My oldest is happy, sociable, confident, capable and loving. I watch like a hawk for signs of unhappiness. I'm terrified he's going to face years of excruciating pain growing up. But he seems OK. Just love them and they'll love you back.

I worry about this a lot too OP, I'm so scared my DDs could end up seeing me how I see my mum. I've read that it's easy to subconsciously repeat past patterns so I've been trying to work through it all and actively do things differently, but who knows whether it will be enough

Mmmm. I think it’s so variable. Both my parents were very far from perfect (both alcoholics, father was very mentally ill and killed himself in my teens so perhaps I feel differently because he is dead, but he wasn’t abusive). We had several years of hell, fighting between parents and some cruelty and what would now probably be considered neglect from both parents, although my brothers were younger and shielded from much of it. None of us hate our mum (or dad). In fact we are incredibly close to her. I guess we know she did the best she could. I do remember hating her in my teenage years though and having massive showdowns, Isn’t that fairly normal? Dh on the other hand never had any ‘agro’ with his mum but can see now that she has caused a lot of his problems in life and is in counselling. I wouldn’t say he hates her but he doesn’t have the time for her and isn’t close at all to her. She is very domineering and was a bully throughout his childhood. On paper she would have been a much ‘better parent’ than mine and yet her children are troubled where as me and my two siblings love our rather ineffectual mum deeply. For this reason I’ve never particularly worried about my kids hating me. I’m generally kind and I love them deeply and show it daily, and I know I’ll be a less selfish parent than mine were.

I sorry to say this if it upsets another mumsnetter in an unhappy marriage, but I think the relationship between the parents is really key to the long term relationships between parents and children. As a teenager, I thought DM was batshit. In my 40s, I now see that she was a deeply unhappy woman who took all her loneliness and frustration out on her two children. Her screaming tantrums didn’t have an great emotional effect on me (I wrote her off as nuts and so did my friends) but my younger sibling was emotionally harmed for life.
It wasn’t that the arguing and rows between them ruined the relationship. . . It was more that the adult who had the main responsibility for raising us was deeply miserable and therefore self involved (or weirdly over involved at other times to compensate!) She should have left my DF and never did, to this day, for reasons of financial security.

I think to some extent all teenagers go through a stage of thinking they hate their parents. I did it with my parents and probably our own DS (now 19) thought the same when we had the usual teenage rows about homework, late nights & borrowing the car ... all seems to have settled down and we are now happily in lockdown together .

My parents were quite strict with me but now I look back and realise what a great childhood I had, and most importantly, they raised me to have high self esteem & feelings of self worth which is so important.

Whilst my mum is emotional and short tempered, I do remember walking on eggshells constantly... For me, it is the teenage years that are key. My mum was and is extremely overprotective. While I was allowed out with friends, I wasn’t allowed to do anything that a near adult would be able to do. For example, at 16 some friends and I wanted to go to a concert in London (about 45min train journey) but my mum was the only parent that wouldn’t allow it. My dad had to travel on the train up with us and wait until we finished to accompany us home. I am fearful of travel and change and I’m sure this all stems from my mum not allowing me any freedom. I never went to festivals, concerts, clubbing was allowed if a parent collected me at a pre agreed time etc. Mum still expects me to tell her where I’m going and when etc and I’m in my 30s! I know she is scared and means well but it’s suffocating. I am going to try extra hard to give my teens the freedom to explore.

Interesting that you write this as this is exactly what is going through my mind too. My dad worked away a lot, and he was in his own little world and not a great husband. I realise now this was my mother's issue. As I was growing up my mum told me on several occasions I would have no friends, no one would like me, and I am a horrible person. I would come in from school and before I could so much as put my bag down she was badgering me telling me I was crabby. I used to just walk away and stay in my room as much as I could or I would be out with friends as often as I could but anything to get away from the words of my mum. I have always had confidence issues and never believed in myself. I have a young DS she is 3 and one on the way. I am hoping she never feels the way I did and she has more confidence as I believe confidence is the key to success. I read another post above that it is mostly to do with the dynamic of the parents. I think this is true and sadly things are not great between my husband and I but I hope that will improve. He does not have a great relationship with my DS, she never wants him and always wants me. Something has to change there as he got in a fit of rage the other day screaming at her... she's 3 years old! 3 years and only 4 months old. I felt the need to protect her from it. I think I need to have words about it when I am feeling strong enough.
I suppose in order to not feel how I felt, I want her to feel loved and supported. Listened to, like she matters. It's early days for me though with her being so young. Would be interested in any other tips people have.

I think likeafish has nailed it- when parents are deeply unhappy it affects the children so badly. It’s better to be a happy single parent that to be together and miserable. You think children don’t notice but they do.

It’s hard isn’t it.

My mum was physically, mentally and verbally very abusive to my Dad and to me and my siblings. She used to do awful things to us, but for me her hitting me, withholding insulin etc wasn’t the worst bit, the worst bit was my dad letting it happen. He eventually left when I was a teenager but he didn’t take me with him as I was the oldest, but he did take my siblings.

He genuinely thinks leaving me there was a good decision.

I know my son will probably hate me for various reasons when he’s a teenager, he’s four at the moment, yesterday I was mean because I let someone eat all his oreos, he ate them. But he won’t hate me as a person or a parent because he’s well fed, shown love, affection, encouraged to follow his interests without high pressure, kept safe and not exposed to people who could harm him. Obviously I’ll do several things through his life that turn out to be the wrong decision, but every person does that.

Honestly I'd so recommend reading 'the book you wish your parents had read' it covers all of this and is so lovely and helpful.

@Boshmama I was just about to recommend that book. It’s so good. OP, it sounds like you had a tricky time as a child. Growing up with emotionally distant or unstable parents is hard on a child.

purposefully humiliating them

lack of clear rules and boundaries and then suddenly blowing up at them for something they didn't know was wrong

I don't and never have hated my mum but these things didn't help. I did it differently with my DD.

I think parents thinking they own their child and expect them to be just like them instead of remembering that from a young age they are their own people with their own likes and dislikes.

I do think from reading these anecdotes that it is fairly common for women to have issues with their parents and with their mothers growing up. If you read MN though posters fall over themselves to tell each other that they are great mothers, good mothers. It is clearly not always the case.

I should imagine the same number of mothers mess up today as messed up 10, 20, 30 years ago. You would hope that parents today might be more self aware and self critical but most posters portray themselves in very glowing terms and I think will be genuinely amazed if their adult offspring are critical of the way they parented.

There’s a book I’ve started listening to on audible that’s about this. Might be worth a read op, it’s eye opening and really interesting.
‘The book you wish your parents had read (and your children will be glad that you did)’