To want to know what makes kids hate their parents?

[Pumpcushion]

This might get long but please stick with me as I have thought about this a lot. As an older child and teenager I really hated my parents and spent a lot of time thinking about running away and just disappearing. I got in with a bad crowd and saw and did things I have mostly erased, I got into bad relationships/ slept around and I feel now this was all desperate attempts to gain approval from others. I have suffered with low self esteem and depression/anxiety most of my adult life, my siblings seem to have similar issues but it came out in different ways (such as shut away alone gaming all the time).
However, all in all I had a wonderful childhood and a loving family. My parents weren’t perfect, for example my dad as I got older (or more difficult) seemed to lose interest in really talking to me or engaging and would sit watching tv or reading. My mum I remember being very emotional, inconsistent with changeable moods, short temper and you never quite knew what you were going to get. I have a few specific bad memories like my dad calling me a stupid bitch when I was about 10 and my mum having what I think now was a nervous breakdown and losing it, screaming at us uncontrollably. I don’t want to give a picture that it was bad though, it wasn’t. They supported me, were always around, took us on lively family trips and loved and cared for us, we wanted for nothing.

Anyway, I now have small children of my own and worry about them feeling like I did. I want to do the best possible job to make sure they are confident and have high self worth. And like me! I see many families with kids at the age I was feeling all this hatred really getting on with their parents and having positive relationships. Are any of you parents out there who have achieved this? How do you do it? Or is it not the parents doing and just difficult years which I will need to prepare myself for?

Allowing abuse and minimising it to this day.
Putting the adults’ needs before mine.
Not having my back.
Being more concerned with what other people think of me and how it reflects on them than how I felt.
Treating me as a non-person, a second class citizen and favouring my sibling.
Focusing on getting married as an achievement, pushing me into an unsuitable marriage. Not considering me good enough without a partner or children.
Generally only seeing things from their own perspective.

Wow some of these parents sound so much like mine!
I really really want to have a lovely relationship with my children where they consider me a friend as well as their mum but we will have to see!!

Oh OP I could have written your post! And I am scared too. My son said he didn’t have time for cuddles yesterday and he is only little.
I hated my parents.
I have read that book someone recommended here and I do try to do things different but when tired or stressed I revert to what my parents used to do briefly.

I am preparing myself for the worse but I am doing things differently.

My parents never talked to me about life or feelings and every time I had to ask permission for something was traumatic. So much so that as an adult things like applying for holidays or days off at work or asking for anything caused me a lot of anxiety.
So now if my son asks to watch another cartoon, even if I am going to say no (how many cartoons can someone watch 🤣) , I don’t react annoyed or angry that he asks. I think that is a good starting point

My eldest hates me. He went to live with my mother at 13 who now has parental responsibility for him. He used to send me messages with pictures of wreaths on saying he could t wait to put them on my coffin. My mum has done quite a number on him, poor kid, but I hope as he gets older and less under her control things will improve.

I’m very close to my other children, that she took less interest in, but she was always obsessed with the eldest. Though she has threatened court to see the younger ones when lockdown lifts.

One of DS's friends (12) openly says he hates his mum. I think it's because she is ultra strict re gaming, not being allowed to go places, making him do activities he doesn't enjoy etc. He's a lovely wee boy but she's just very uptight and controlling.

I think it's not unusual to hate your paren(s)t a little bit for a while, psychologists say it is quite normal and part of an evolutionary process of growing up and detaching from your original family.

That said, some of the posts sound so sad and are a stark reminders to take care of your own happiness and love your kids for who they are. I would say, these are not easy things to do though. I mean who lives a totally balanced, unchallenged life and is able to always be supportive and kind and patient with their children? Not me!

I aim to be these things but the kids can stress me out and leave me more impatient than I like and my dh can drive me up the wall with his quirks and his long working hours don't leave a lit of time for relaxed connection. It's hard sometimes!

My mum is fantastic. We are very close. I tell her everything.

But I never really appreciated her when I was a teen. I was off out experiencing things.

I never realised, wasn't appreciative enough of what a good job she'd done on us, as a mother, until I had my own children.

I think this is quite common.

I hated my mum throughout my teens. My mum is the most selfish person I have ever met. She never put me first in my entire childhood, then she had my sister when I was 13 and I practically brought her up. I was heartbroken when I finally decided to move out and couldn’t take her with me.
My mum was capable of looking after her but was just selfish. She shouted/screamed a lot which I have always hated.
Now I have a daughter of my own, I will never be that kind of mother.
She’s stepped up since my dd was born which I’m glad about.

I agree with @likeafishneedsabike too.

My mum definitely had anxiety and probably depression. Her situation was difficult but she was too afraid to leave a shit marriage because it would have meant selling the house and renting. She was too wrapped up in her own misery to be emotionally responsive to me.

If you’re stuck in a bad relationship and you’d like your children as adults to call and visit you, I recommend that you end the relationship and put them first. Contrary to what you believe you are very unlikely to be a good parent whilst all your energy is invested elsewhere.

My father and mother were much older than most of my friends and DF was very conservative ,DM less so.
We had a great childhood but the teenage years were tough . Lots of arguments and shouting. It was his lack of control over us that caused it.
And I am ashamed that I repeated this with my kids.
In counselling, I was told that it is parenting with fear - the fear that something bad will happen to your child .
But I loved my parents so much . My parents acknowledged their mistakes. My DF was especially sorry - he explained that he didn't really know how to parent as he had lost his so young. And the protectiveness when we got older meant that I knew that I always had my DF to have my back .
I have also told my kids that I regret my mistakes.I did the best I could with what I had .And they know I love them wholeheartedly.

I didn’t hate my parents but it wasn’t an easy relationship. Dad was an alcoholic, Mum was off her head on Valium, I was always determined to be a very different parent to them.

Consistency, clear boundaries and communication have been invaluable to our family unit.

We get on well, have each other’s backs and know we’re loved.

Also, I never, ever cared if children (either my own or the ones I taught) “liked” me. I wanted them to respect me and understand why they didn’t get everything they asked for and were stopped from doing things that would harm themselves or others.

My ds is 12 and told me he hates me because I'm too nice

Throughout my own childhood, i had no one to help me or talk to me. I was materially provided for but my entire childhood focused around me making my parents lives easier. My dm was ill and died so I was basically expected to shut up and not make anything worse. Even now if I have a problem it doesn't even occur to me to ask anyone to help. So now I'm the opposite with my DC...I'd hate them to have a problem and think they couldn't talk to me or ask for help.

It it normal and natural to hate your parents as a teen. I remember that when I was about 17 just them breathing pissed me off. I pitied them and was determined to never be like that. I had a great childhood too. I have read it's so we can individuate from our parents and strike out on our own. Being obnoxious makes it easier for the parents to see teens leave. The moment I held my first baby in my arms I got it. I understood why my parents behaved the way they did. Not because they wanted to control me but because they loved me.

Just be you, love them and even if they "hate you" for a few years if you've done a good job of loving them they'll come back.

@BestZebbie

I never fell out with my mum throughout my teenage years because she always treated me like a sensible near-adult with opinions that were likely to be based on sensible consideration of information.
I fell out with my dad quite a lot because he treated me like a younger child who had to be kept in a subordinate position and controlled, and from whom any opinion was personally challenging ‘cheek’.

I could have written this, except it was the other way round for me, my dad was the one who treated me like a near adult.
Unfortunately, it was mum who was around more.

I’m NC as an adult for a number of reasons. They believed in smacking, their own wants came first always, lack of interest in education, having to constantly be responsible for things that a child isn’t meant to be.

I’m hopeful I’ve done it much better with mine. They have a voice in everything from holidays to their clothes to education etc.

Some very helpful responses thanks everyone. I will have a look for that book too.

A few perspectives of others jumped out to me, like reverting to what you don’t want to replicate when tired/stressed, some tasks now which might involve confrontation causing a lot of anxiety. I can relate to this. But realistically it’s when tired or stressed or anxious that these issues are likely to come up, I’d like to know if anyone feels like they can always control these feelings around their kids and stay on a level - is this even achievable IRL?

I know how I felt wasn’t the ‘normal’ teenage rebellious phase, that’s what my friends seemed to experience. At the same time they would still go to things with their parents and they would all be involved with the same outings (like birthdays would be for friends and family all together, going to football games, trips away visiting family). Is that a factor do you think? We had lots of days out etc but they were always ‘being taken out’ rather than all joining in an activity that all of the family could enjoy. The other word that jumped out was ‘martyr’, this is exactly what my mother was like. Would go really out of her way for us but then would be a martyr about it. Anyway anymore tips to get it right myself would be very welcome 🙏

@Pumpkinpie1

You sound brilliant, I wish my mother had your self-awareness!

I got in with a bad crowd and saw and did things I have mostly erased, I got into bad relationships/ slept around and I feel now this was all desperate attempts to gain approval from others

From a parent's point of view, watching your child 'self destruct' can't be easy.

My mum I remember being very emotional, inconsistent with changeable moods, short temper and you never quite knew what you were going to get. I have a few specific bad memories like my dad calling me a stupid bitch when I was about 10 and my mum having what I think now was a nervous breakdown and losing it, screaming at us uncontrollably.

Sounds like she had a lot of pressure in her life - and was very depressed. She sounds like she couldn't cope.
Maybe your Dad's temper didn't help.

I don’t want to give a picture that it was bad though, it wasn’t. They supported me, were always around, took us on lively family trips and loved and cared for us, we wanted for nothing.

So in the midst of all this unhappiness, they showed you love & you knew you were loved?

My parents pitted myself and my younger sister against each other, they did it to make us 'stronger' but it just caused massive mistrust between us all.
I have 1 child and a try to be fair to him and interested in him as a person (he's still very young) and allow him to develop as an individual, I hope it's enough and that he will love me when I'm old and grey and in a nursing home.

Fudge dinosaur sandwiches - that really is the sweetest thing I've read on here

I decided v early on not to repeat the mistakes of the past (I was about 12ish) and not have children.

I may still live to regret that.

I have been determined not to repeat my parents mistakes and to be fair to myself, I think I have managed as they are 21 and 18 and don't hate me yet.

My tips, tell them how smart, beautiful and amazing they are in a simple and jokey way each day, it sinks in.

Remember that you will make mistakes and be prepared to apologise and explain when you do.

Enjoy doing absolutely anything and everything with them and let them ser that.

Be a parent, not a friend and don't try to confide in them.

Give them freedom in exchange for honesty and simple safety rules.

Was physically abused and emotionally neglected by my mother, she hated me and yet was weirdly controlling and obsessive about what I was doing at all times. No matter what I did, I’d be punched and screamed at in my face. No understanding of normal “kid” behaviour, although I was a good kid and did well at school. (honestly I think my excellent grades were motivated by seeing university as my only way out). Even if I sat there in silence I’d be screamed at for being a lazy bitch!

The physical abuse was the least damaging long term really, but the emotional abuse has gone much deeper. As a child I literally could do no “right” and the message I absorbed was that there was something wrong, something inherently bad within me to make her act that way. It’s something that took me a long time to be aware of and even though I know logically now that it’s nothing to do with me, it’s something that has affected me deeply. I used to have crippling social anxiety and I feel like I never got to reach my full potential. I’m very bitter about it. Beginning to catch up now, though. I just can’t be someone could treat a child that way and it disgusts me.

@Otherrooms yes, you are correct. It’s what you say re my mother’s struggles that worries me tbh, as that’s how I feel much of the time. Like I struggle to cope.

@AngelicInnocent thank you 😊