I can hear domestic abuse through my walls.

[caradelvigna]

My neighbour is in an abusive relationship. The man who lives there has threatened to kill her and I had to dial 999. They live in flats attached to our house so lots of people coming in and out. The way the flats are set up I can't pinpoint where it's coming from. I wish I could identify her and offer her my support. I'm sick of listening to it and feeling helpless and worrying about her wellbeing. I don't know what else I can do. It's a huge trigger for me having been in an abusive relationship myself. It makes me feel sick and panicky. I report it to 101 when I hear him screaming at her and if I ever hear threats again I will call 999 again. I'm going to report to adult social services tomorrow.

AIBU to ask how I cope with this? I know that sounds incredibly selfish, however I am trying my best to help her by reporting my concerns. I just feel like I am reliving my past abuse and it's starting to get to me. It must be awful for her to be self isolating with him.

If there are any other ways I can help her please let me know however I sadly don't feel that there are.

Thank you for being concerned for her.
I remember desperately wishing someone would call the police when my ex was abusive.
Once the neighbour popped her head over the fence and asked if everything had been ok the night before, she said she nearly called the police because of the racket and I stupidly convinced her it was nothing.
I hope your neighbour is ok and not nice for you to hear especially if you have previous experience of dv

Keep calling 999, you're doing the right thing. Have the police figured out where it's coming from? If not, listen (if you can) and see if either of them mentions their names or other ID'ing info.

Please call 999 and be vigilant

Keep phoning the police

OP, that must be awful for you.

I once had similar, but it was through from the neighbouring building and there was absolutely no way of telling which flat it came from. Horrible.

You're doing exactly the right thing.

I agree with the others. I was in this situation once, being shouted at for hours on end, on a regular basis. Nobody did anything. not their responsibility I know, it was my responsibility to leave. But I would have felt validated. Like this is wrong. This sounds wrong to normal people.

Apparently DV has gone through the roof recently. Please call on her behalf - she may not be able to call herself.

You're doing the right thing OP. My neighbour once called the police when it was me in that situation and I'm still greatful to this day.

OP, if you want to talk the situation through with someone who understands consider calling the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk). In an emergency always call the police, but the helpline should be able to offer you support (including around how this is triggering your memories of abuse). The helpline isn't just for people who are experiencing abuse but also for anyone who is concerned about someone else, whether they're a family member, friend or professional, as well as for people who've experienced abuse in the past.

Q

Oh OP this isn’t a nice thing to have to listen to, and I’m sorry you’re finding it so triggering...especially in the current situation. I think you’re doing all of the right things.

About 10 years ago in my first flat, I heard domestic abuse from the couple in the next flat and it was awful. I was young and on my own and didn’t know what to do. I started reporting it every time. I once bumped into her in the communal area and didn’t mention it at all just smiled and said hello but made eye contact and she was fucking terrified and went back in the flat and slammed the door. Even if you did know who they were I honestly think just reporting is the best thing you can do. I was trying to reach out but I think it made her feel worse, I felt awful.

I hope the police can help your neighbour soon

OP, that sounds horrendous.

I think you should keep calling, it's also very reasonable to tell 101 that you are self isolating with a 17 month old (which is difficult enough) and that this is very, very distressing for you to listen to. too.

I dont think that would be hard for anyone to understand.

Try to identify the flat, go and listen outside each door?

You're doing the right thing OP. We had a similar issue when I was a kid with a neighbour beating up his wife and daughter. Thankfully as they were houses there was no doubt where it was coming from.

My dad practically kicked their front door down shouting at the husband to [quote] "come out here and pick on someone your own size"

The wife and daughter answered the door eventually and asked him to go away. Total coward the husband was. Never heard a peep out of them afterwards though and the husband always gave my dad a very wide berth when he saw him!

Wouldn't mind so much but in over 40 years I've never so much heard my dad even raise his voice let alone threaten violence. I am very proud of him for standing up for them!

You’re doing the right thing.

Please shout out and tell her you are there for her

The police just knocked on my door and came in to say that there's no sign of upset and they're claiming to be fine. I live with my dad and he didn't know I had reported it because he was asleep. I wish they had just phoned me as the neighbours have probably seen them come to mine. I feel scared now.

This will sound incredibly callous but you
Must try and block it for your own sanity

Ear plugs , headphones

By the way i have been there and did freedom

Just very worried for you too

You do right. Statistics show fully a third of DV cases come to light when a neighbour/bystander call the police. I'm sorry it's triggering bad memories for you but you're being brave and persistent. If everyone were like you, many lives and much misery would be saved.

You definitely need to talk all of this through with Women’s Aid or similar. You could also very legitimately call 101 and discuss your fears for your own safety with the police. Is yr dad quite a bit older and possibly vulnerable or well able to stand by you/ defend you if necessary. Am guessing the former from what you write?

Well done you, at least the other flat know now that other people are hearing what is going on and reporting it. Hopefully it'll make him think twice before it starts up again x

Keep calling, every time. It’s harder to maintain the pretence of everything being alright if it’s the 4th time the police have been called due to sounds of abuse.

Let’s hope they actually speak to the woman totally separately from him.

The police just knocked on my door and came in to say that there's no sign of upset and they're claiming to be fine.

They have no business coming to your door, they may as well have told your neighbours who phoned them. I'd make a complaint about it.

You could also report this to the council, I believe it's environmental health.

I'm actually quite annoyed the police came over. So much for my anonymity.