Lockdown, working and SEN child.

[SENandSENsibility]

DP and I had a massive row today and I’m really not sure who, if anyone, is BU.

We have a DS(6) with severe SEN. He’s currently off school.
DP and I normally both work part time, but DP’s work has dried up because of the lockdown. My job (3 days a week) is extremely high-pressured. I’m at my desk by 8 and often work straight through until 6.
It’s very hard for me to take breaks but I do try to make sure I take a few, to give DP a rest from looking after DS, who is pretty exhausting.

By the time I finish (and take over to do bath and bedtime), I’m shattered. DP is shattered from a day of DS.

Today is one of my non-working days. DP said he really needed a break today, I said, no problem. I’ll also need a break at some point, though.

DP then got really angry and said I was selfish and lucky that I get to escape to my office and not have to deal with DS, and that was my break.

I said work didn’t feel like a break at all, as it’s so full on. Plus I have the added guilt and stress about how he and DS are doing.

DP says I don’t understand how hard it is for him. (I think I do, as up until fairly recently I did most of the childcare.)

He says he doesn’t believe my work is as tiring as looking after DS, and he really resents me, going upstairs and locking myself away.

I completely understand how exhausting looking after DS is. But I don’t think I’m being totally U to want the odd break for myself. And when I’ve asked DP what he’d like me to do, to make things better for him, he can’t actually say.

At the moment, I feel that the only thing that would make him stop resenting me would be for me to give up work. But that seems a ridiculous solution when (hopefully) schools are going to reopen at some point and he won’t be having to deal with DS all day.

Am I BU and a selfish cow to think that I should get breaks, too? And am I BU to keep working in the circumstances?

I don,t think either of you are being unreasonable. It is a stressful situation and everyone needs a break. Sometimes though it,s also about a change of scene perhaps he thinks your lucky havingwork to "escape" to , even though that's is stressful it is a different stress.

I think that’s definitely a factor, @june2007. He thinks I’m disappearing into a fun world of work while he’s stuck.

Neither of you is BU. It sounds horrendously difficult

You're not being unreasonable. It's good he is seeing how hard it is raising a SEN child-like too have s sen child soni know how tough it is. I'd point that out tbh. This is only temporary and then no doubt you as mum will go back to doing majority of childcare for your child.

Sorry for the typos

Could you send your son to school for at least part of the week? He must have an EHCP and therefore be able to attend?

My son has an ehcp but school sent him home because he wouldn’t observe the social distancing rule. Ridiculous when they don’t understand it, told he cannot return. His anxieties off the scale and he is not sleeping, all he wants to do is block it all out with his headphones and PlayStation.
I know what you mean op my dh is not great at managing our sons needs either, he expects too much of him.

I think you are both stressed and taking it out on each other which is understandable. Be kind to each other. There are 4 days a week when you don't work, divide these days into 2 "shifts" so you can both have a break, say 8-12 and 12-4 then work together to do dinner and bedtime etc and alternate sleeping in in the morning.

We have similar. But I do think you're being unreasonable. I too have a super stressful job but it's easy than coping with our SEN child.

I'm on your DH's side I'm afraid, though I know how hard it is for everyone.

Can't wait for the schools to go back - our DC's special school closed, despite being required to stay open, because all the staff suddenly developed symptoms overnight and so we were told it was too short-staffed to stay open.

Is your work time specific? Could you do a couple of hours either earlier in morning and / or later in the evening on your work days to give your DH a little break in the middle of the day. Say 7-12 work. 12-1 give DS lunch so that DH gets a little break. Then work 1-4 and then have DS again, then do another couple of hours a bit later - maybe when DS is in bed. Even if you only did this on 1 or 2 of your days, DH would get a bit of a break and thus would hopefully be more willing to give you a break on your days off. X

I have two SEN kids. I usually work while they are school (self employed so can usually fit around them) . My husband works full time. Since corona most of my work has been cancelled and my husband is working from home. We have insisted to his work that he can only do part time hours due to the children’s SEN and they have agreed.

He is working 8- 2 and then we are taking it in turns in the afternoon to take a child each so they both get one to one time. We are also trying to give each other a break every coukd if days too at teatime too. And also scheduling time as the four of us .

I totally get your DH , I felt like that too the first week before we sorted this schedule out. Utterly stressed to fuck anc Despairing that I was left with the intensity and stress of full time caring while he got to work. In our situation, Over the years we’ve worked it out as a couple that caring for the kids is usually far harder than working. But I appreciate your situation is different and maybe your job is awful. But I emphasise with your DH, poor guy,

I’d totally advise a Schedule where you both get breaks, even fair breaks. And also schedule time when you’re all together?

Could you also talk to your work about a cut in hours over the lockdown? Do they know about you child’s SEN?

Neither of you are unreasonable. You’re both stressed to hell, you’re both knackered and neither of you can see the wood for the trees. And unless you did most of the childcare in a lockdown, you don’t know what it’s like for him.

My husband went to work on Monday. I was furious with him, just because he got out of the house and away from the kids. Just because he got away, really.

You’ve both got a point. Don’t get into competitive hardship.

I don't think your or DH are unreasonable. so have a DD with severe needs. I am a lone parent and work from home but only do 4-5 hours a day. It's still exhausting as it is either working (start 5/6 am for 2 hours) then one hour around lunch and the other when DD has dinner. It is relentless.

however, under normal circumstances, work is respite for me as I get a break from caring (doesn't work this way now), do I sort of do understand where your DH is coming from - looking after someone with severe needs is a very different kind of pressure and mental job than working (no matter how stressful things are). I am not blaming you but I sort of can see why DH blew over.

don't forget, this is an extreme situation, hard on many but I think for families who have a child with severe needs, who lost school, and maybe respite, it is brutal.

can you take maybe your daily exercise separate and each takes DS with you so the other one has a little break at home?

can you also discuss your situation with work? I still have to do my hours but have a lot more flexibility.

They cannot really expect you do work like normal when you have a child with severe needs to care for. this situation may go on for a while longer so I would really bring it up.

Neither of you are unreasonable.

I'm in your husbands position and the intensity of the 1-2-1 teaching with a SEN child unable or unwilling to engage with most of the tasks set by school is stressful. You are terrified that you are wasting their time - time they won't get back - and failing them. And you can't get away from each other!

My DH is buried in the spare room trying to save his work.

We've had a few run ins too. I think we've accepted that we both feel like we are drowning a bit. Ita all a bit shit really- I just keep reminding myself it could be a lot worse.

We are in a similar situation. My husband is working from home and I am on maternity leave and have a 5 month old who is not sleeping well plus an older child with severe learning disabilities.

It is not easy for either of you. We are managing (just) with my husband working 6am to 2.30pm and then helping out with the children in the afternoon. My son does end up spending most of the day either on his ipad or on the trampoline as he needs very structured 1 to 1 support to learn and that is just not possible with the baby to look after at the same time.

I think all you can do is to be nice to each other and try to appreciate that is in difficult for both of you. Maybe if you can adjust your hours a bit to give your husband a break in the day that would be good but it needs to work both ways and perhaps he can help a bit more in other aspects e.g cooking or cleaning.

We are similar though both trying to work, SEN is not as severe, and another DC...
DS will be going into school after the holidays for a few days. I hope they aren't going to send him home for not observing social distancing though they do have some in his school (PRU) that need restraint or spit and I can see that's not safe.
But the special school system has been so unhelpful - not their fault but my friend who's a TA was laid off from the MLD school when I am sure they could have used her as sickness cover. They cancelled all the taxis but are now realising this leaves highly, highly vulnerable children at home, some with parents who can't keep them in the house anyway.

Sorry, that wasn't helpful. We have found swapping off turns helps a lot.

I think you two sound like a couple who are both drained and getting stressed at each other. It is normal at the best of times with a sen child let alone during this. I totally get it apart from that I’m not working from home like you.

I’m off work right now, oh is still physically going to work (can’t work from home). I have two with sen but my oldest is hard work whereas my daughter is much easier. It is hard. I’m not working but it is still hard so hats off to you. It is hard on Oh as he has to work and comes home to help out as I’m drained. We are both drained. We both fall asleep by 9pm.

In our house we try to share everything. At the minute usually Oh cooks whilst I entertain kids, I clean up whilst he baths them and then we share bedtime duties!

It is hard for both of you! Hugs 🤗

I can see both sides of this. I am on Adoption leave at the moment. Our son is 3 and has many additional needs. My husband is self employed and works from home. Up until recently, our son was going to nursery in the afternoons so that was my 'break' and I was happy to give DH plenty time off at the weekend.

Now nursery is closed and I am doing full time childcare during the week, it is hard going. We try to tag team at the weekend as much as possible so he's still getting a break, but he's giving me a bit more time off than before lockdown. I am shattered but I accept we both need time to ourselves. It's such a difficult situation and I really feel for you.

Thanks for all your thoughts. It's good for me to hear it from the POV of people doing the bulk of the caring.

To answer a couple of questions -- DS goes to a mainstream school, which took children with EHCPs for a few days and then closed to all but the children of key workers.

When I'm not working, we take turns to look after DS. I usually spend my breaks catching up with household stuff and doing all the "mental load" things related to DS and his therapies.

It's pretty impossible to engage DS with schoolwork at home he has a really, really short attention span and a will of iron! so he's mostly just playing or watching stuff on the iPad.

My work is relentless - constant bombardment of Slack messages, etc - but my boss does understand my home situation and is, in theory, very sympathetic. The trouble is that the hours are fixed and it's not something that can be squeezed into odd moments. You have to be in constant contact with the team.

And to everyone facing similar situations!

If the school is not taking him, they should be finding him a place. Do you have a SW?

@drspouse We don't have a social worker, though not for lack of trying! To be honest, I wouldn't want to send him to a random schooling "hub." He needs a full-time 1-1 who's up to speed with his very extensive needs.

Schools have a real problem with children who can't observe social distancing. They have an obligation to keep children and stay safe. So those it's understandable that the OP's child can't do it, they really can't have him putting others at risk. It's not a blame thing, but they just can't have him. Even the special school I worked at has not been able to have the children who can't sit away from others, up to now. The plan after Easter is to have an entirely outdoor care and activities programme for them, to see if that's manageable. But it's very much an experiment.