Lockdown, working and SEN child.

[SENandSENsibility]

DP and I had a massive row today and I’m really not sure who, if anyone, is BU.

We have a DS(6) with severe SEN. He’s currently off school.
DP and I normally both work part time, but DP’s work has dried up because of the lockdown. My job (3 days a week) is extremely high-pressured. I’m at my desk by 8 and often work straight through until 6.
It’s very hard for me to take breaks but I do try to make sure I take a few, to give DP a rest from looking after DS, who is pretty exhausting.

By the time I finish (and take over to do bath and bedtime), I’m shattered. DP is shattered from a day of DS.

Today is one of my non-working days. DP said he really needed a break today, I said, no problem. I’ll also need a break at some point, though.

DP then got really angry and said I was selfish and lucky that I get to escape to my office and not have to deal with DS, and that was my break.

I said work didn’t feel like a break at all, as it’s so full on. Plus I have the added guilt and stress about how he and DS are doing.

DP says I don’t understand how hard it is for him. (I think I do, as up until fairly recently I did most of the childcare.)

He says he doesn’t believe my work is as tiring as looking after DS, and he really resents me, going upstairs and locking myself away.

I completely understand how exhausting looking after DS is. But I don’t think I’m being totally U to want the odd break for myself. And when I’ve asked DP what he’d like me to do, to make things better for him, he can’t actually say.

At the moment, I feel that the only thing that would make him stop resenting me would be for me to give up work. But that seems a ridiculous solution when (hopefully) schools are going to reopen at some point and he won’t be having to deal with DS all day.

Am I BU and a selfish cow to think that I should get breaks, too? And am I BU to keep working in the circumstances?

Those= though

I don’t thing either of you are being unreasonable either.

Sometimes venting and alleviating the frustration that way is all you get to do when there is no answers, so try to do that as best as you can. Even on here if you need to. Practically I am sure you are both doing the absolute best you can on extremely challenging times but maybe there are options you haven’t explored so maybe discuss those between you and see what you can come up with.

Is there any changes possible to your work pattern that might give you both some respite? Could you spread the 3 days over 5 and take more frequent breaks so that the build up of relentlessness doesn’t happen? Is there any scope for home support in these crazy times?

I am sure you have already thought of the above suggestions but you both can come up with your own ideas.

Stay= staff

Ugh

@saraclara Social distancing wasn't an issue with my DS' school. I'm pretty sure they didn't expect it of him, or any of the other young children.
They just couldn't manage the staffing, especially having to provide 1-1s.

Agree, any school with a large amount of children with moderate or severe SEN will not expect social distancing.

I really think you should talk to your work about transforming their "sympathy" into a reduction in hours while lockdown means there is no care or respite available for your family. You need to be very assertive and make it very clear that your family have circumstances that mean this situation is not sustainable and if allowed to continue will cause burn out in either you or DH, resulting in them losing you to sick leave or carers leave.

@saraclara you can't expect social distancing from EYFS children, from those with physical care needs, and from many younger or more disabled children. Yet nurseries and residential schools are remaining open.

(My DS school will not take supply staff, so they will be remaining open for the number of children they can take. We suggested if they were moving to a hub model, they needed to send a familiar 1:1 with DS - can they do this for your DS?)

It must be extremely difficult. I wfh and work long hours and find it stressful and hard. Throw in DCs, especially a SEN, I can imagine it would be stress on another level. I can imagine these sorts of disagreements currently going on in a lot of homes - we just have to deal with the best we can - maybe sit down and sort out some sort of structure so you have a routine on those days you are not working so that you both get some benefit.

He's being a prick, OP.

I can see it from both sides to a degree but l don’t know why he’s getting so angry. It’s hardly as if you’re watching tv, reading a magazine, painting your nails up there. Harsh as it sounds but l think it’s good he’s had a taste of doing more childcare. Surely it’s only fair that you both get equal time “off” to relax with TV, a book, ringing a friend etc. Surely he can’t expect you to work all week at your job and do childcare the rest of the time

it's a really different thing "doing childcare" to looking after SEN children. It's utterly exhausting and incredibly stressful. I really would prefer to be at work.

To be fair to DP, he does plenty of childcare, so it's not as if he's suddenly having to pull his weight. It more that the balance has shifted sharply.

Sorry@drspouseand @SENandSENsibility my post about social distancing was in response to @vickibee who said

My son has an ehcp but school sent him home because he wouldn’t observe the social distancing rule. Ridiculous when they don’t understand it, told he cannot return