To feel that my husband being so overweight... puts pressure on me to stay healthy

[stayathomewannabee]

My husband is - at a guess - maybe 3 stone overweight.
He's exactly 6ft tall - he smokes but he gave up drinking a few years ago. He says he's an alcoholic but he was binger when he did drink.
Anyway long story - his job is quite demanding in terms of he's a manager who has to directly manage 8 people and answer to bosses himself.
He enjoys it though.
However since we had our children he has slowly put on more and more weight...
He doesn't exercise and sleeps quite badly - he often ends up snoring on the sofa by 10am most weekends. He gets angry with me and tells me he works hard.
Then there's me - a total exercise nut. I do yoga and run and do spinning. I enjoy it but I wonder if I'm putting pressure on myself to do more because I'm worried my husband's health is going up go downhill.
We are both in our late 40s. Our daughters are still at primary school.
I am so worried and during lockdown he's only eating more..

To anyone saying 3 stone is not a lot of excess weight, I despair. It is a tremendous amount of excess weight on your body, and if not dealt with promptly, will snowball into a catastrophe.

3 stone over a healthy weight at 6 foot takes you to the obese category. The fact that people reckon 3 stone isn’t a big deal says everything about society...

If 3 stone of excess weight is seen as 'not a lot', then no wonder we have a fucking obesity epidemic. That's 19kg. Nineteen. Kilograms. Overweight. That's a massive amount of excess weight to carry.

Imagine a man telling his wife she was ‘unhealthy and unsexy’ @cavabiensepasser, bet you’d be all over that

No. I would agree with him. For an awful lot of people (myself included), this amount of excess weight would be a dealbreaker.

3 stone overweight is hardly at death's door! But I forgot this is mn where anyone who doesn't exist on 5 glasses of water and half a carrot everyday is a glutton.

OP i understand your concerns. I agree with a PP that he should look into sleep apnoea. 3 stone overweight and smoking is risky.

I'm 5'11" and if I put on an extra three stone I'd be putting on just under a third of my bodyweight! It's an awful lot of weight, even if you're tall.

I imagine for a man of normal weight at the same height it's more akin to carrying an extra 25% of your body weight rather than a third, but that's still a huge excess.

Either some posters don't realise how much a stone is, or they have a skewed view of what a normal body weight should be.

OP - you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. If you've had a constructive, serious conversation with him about his health worrying you then there isn't much more you can do.

Perhaps over this weekend could you arrange a group family video workout and ask him to join?

KatnissK being 3 stones overweight is a health risk, no matter how much you want to deny it. Obesity (not just morbid obesity) has been identified as increasing the risk of complications of Coronavirus. So yes, it could put him at 'death's door'.

3 stone overweight is hardly at death's door! But I forgot this is mn where anyone who doesn't exist on 5 glasses of water and half a carrot everyday is a glutton

Is this a joke? I mean...is it?

An additional three stone will, for most people, put them into the obese category and bring all the additional health risks that come with that.

And the fact that you would, even in jest, describe the opposite of being 3 stone overweight as existing on water and a carrot is just ridiculous.

The attitude I tend to see a lot on MN is that being a healthy weight, eating an ok diet, and exercising, is somehow depriving yourself. It really isn't.

OP, do you think you may feel you have to work out and exercise a lot because you want him to see your example? And that, in a way, your exercising is a sort of reprimand to him?

3 stone overweight is quite a lot, but anyone overweight is perfectly aware that they are (regardless of what they may say). You've probably indicated to him that you think he needs more exercise. Nothing more you can do - it's over to him now. He's not a child - it's his business what he weighs.

Nothing more you can do - it's over to him now. He's not a child - it's his business what he weighs.

Wrong. It's his family's business. An ill person is a burden. A dead one is sad.
No child wants a fat, unhealthy and ill father.

@KatnissK 3 stone excess weight can have serious retribution to ones health

I would give him massive credit for the drinking. I'd also be more concerned about smoking than the weight. Is it perhaps the case that you use exercise as a way to feel in control and manage anxiety (which is great!) and you're projecting that on him a little?

3 stone is a lot and probably worries you more than some people as you are so fit and active. I think health risks increase even if someone is only 1/2 stone overweight. Sorry I don't know what the answer is. You can't make him be healthy, only gently encourage him.

Think we all need to think a bit more about OPs post. She thinks he is maybe 3 stone overweight she doesn't know this?
Is it just because he doesn't exercise you think this, is it because of his body shape, is it because of the amount he eats, have you actually looked at his weight and put it through a BMI calculator.
OP could think he is 3 stone overweight in her opinion but he could actually be a healthy weight/only just overweight etc.
I'd personally be more worried that she brushed off an alcoholic claim because that could be serious.
I'd also be worried about the smoking

@decisionsdecision I think it's a bit of a reach to suggest someone could add an extra 3 stone to someone in their mind if they're not atleast a little bit overweight.

agree that drinking and smoking is just as much of an issue - one doesnt outweigh the other though. being obese and eating too much/eating poorly is just as likely to lead to illness and be detrimental to the body

OP I would feel the same. Being overweight is unattractive and a health risk. Our society normalises being overweight as a poster said above, but people get upset about it because a lot of adults are overweight and tell themselves they eat less/better and move more than they actually do.

I would ask him how you can support him to sleep , eat and exercise better. If he isn't interested though, he can't be forced. And then you'd have a decision to make.

AIBU To feel that my husband being so overweight... puts pressure on me to stay healthy
His being overweight does not put pressure on you to stay healthy. You put the pressure on yourself.

@cherrybunx0 she says she's an exercise queen. That she feels like she's really healthy. Some people who feel this way see people who are only slightly overweight as majorly overweight.

Okay I've not expressed myself correctly.
I've had my own body issues - I was anorexic in my early 20s.
The thing is I still fancy my husband but his weight gain has affected his health...
I fit in my exercise early (6-7am) before work and before my children are often up.
I don't know what that has to do with anything though. One of the posters here asked how I fit it in (actually as I was recovering from my anorexia I started doing the personal training exams at the YCA so i had intended to make fitness my job).
He may be more than 3 stone that's a conservative average - his trouser size is 42- he used to be 34 when we first met and he has never been skinny. He's well built even when healthy weight.
I don't want him to get sick and I'm worried that with the lockdown I'm overcompensating because I know I can't and shouldn't force him to change.

I wouldn't like it if my dh was 3 stone overweight

I have not brushed off his alcoholism - I just don't want to go into details here. We've both had therapy - there's no way I would dismiss that and it's amazing he doesn't drink - it's something I'm proud of him for...

His being overweight does not put pressure on you to stay healthy. You put the pressure on yourself

I disagree with this and can see where the OP is coming from, from what I read being overweight is quite a factor in surviving corona virus.

My ExP is also overweight and it has crossed my mind more than once that I need to be extra careful during lockdown to give my children the best chance of having at least one parent. Maybe the OP hasnt expressed it well but I know there's she's coming from

I would be concerned and encourage him to sort it out.

I wouldn't think it puts you under pressure to exercise though, sounds like you enjoy it.

I get the feeling you are pushing each other into corners.

The more you exercise/eat healthily; the less he does and vice a versa.

Probably to my own detriment, I would tend to do the opposite of what I was being pushed to do if I felt someone was trying to guilt me into it. I would feel their behaviour was passive aggressive.

Obviously I have no idea if that is what is happening here but it feels like it may be.