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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to change my mind re: marriage

30 replies

Waxylemons · 08/04/2020 12:02

Name changed because I'm embarrassed.

DP and I have been together 10 years come this summer. I was 18 when we started going out. Now we bought a house together and were TTC. Stopped in light of CV and now I am questioning a lot of things. Like what would happen to the house (we are tenants in common) and how we could look after each other if either ended up in hospital.

I didn't want to get married or have DC when I was 18, 19, 20... etc. Over the past 4-5 years my feelings have changed but DP is holding me to things I said when I was literally a teenager. I also used to say stupid things like "obviously I'm only with you for your money" and I think he took that a bit seriously despite the fact that I am financially independent and he's not rich by any measure.

When we met he said he might want to get married one day, but as our relationship progressed he echoed my views. Now he's staunchly against it. For what it's worth, his parents had a horrible, messy divorce but had to live together for years and he faced the fallout from that aged 9-15.

I thought marriage was stupid and you couldn't "own" people. My own parents' horrible marriage probably coloured my view, along with my family pressuring me to settle down and pop out a few kids ASAP. I think I kind of felt like chattel and rebelled against that. I pretended not to like children, and hate big parties. I secretly didn't want a wedding because I have about 6 friends and thought weddings had to be big, busy affairs.

I don't really know how to proceed - whether to let it go or push the issue. I'm annoyed and embarrassed at my younger self.

OP posts:
screwcovid19 · 08/04/2020 12:05

You can decide if it's a deal breaker. If it is you need to end it.
I definitely wouldn't be having children with him.
Also he took you seriously when you joked about being with him for his money? He can't think much of you can he.

wannabeadored · 08/04/2020 12:13

My DH knew me when I was 18/19 , we weren't dating but I was pretty vocal about being strongly against marriage and children .

I got a bit older and realised I wanted children , but there was no way I was having them without being married so I gave him the ultimatum and we got married. It wasnt as simple as that it got a bit messy in the middle but he wanted children and i wouldn't budge until we were married.

We were trying to conceive up until CV .

Original poster
Waxylemons · 08/04/2020 12:17

screwcovid19

That's the thing, it wasn't a deal-breaker until recently. He's cooped up in bed with a bad cough, possibly Corona, and I was thinking about what I would do if he had to go in to hospital - would I have to call his mum who lives on the other side of the world to make medical decisions for him? My imagination ran away with me and I got scared.

There's a juvenile element to our relationship, because, I think, we have been together for so long from such a young age. So I can't tell if he's also joking about the gold-digger stuff Confused

OP posts:
GreenestValley · 08/04/2020 12:17

It's understandable that your views on life will change and evolve from your late teens to late twenties. That's why so few relationships that begin at that age last - because people change and you end up no longer suited to the person you met back then.

You need to have a chat about what your priorities today are and make sure you're on the same page.

screwcovid19 · 08/04/2020 12:25

Generally doctors make medical decisions. Certain info is only given out to next of kin though which you're not.
For instance when my dad was in hospital, they wouldn't give me any information unless his wife gave permission.

PicaK · 08/04/2020 12:35

Marriage is romantic but it brings legal rights with it. You can get all the same legal rights (more or less) by spending a fortune on solicitors etc.
Sit down once he's better and have a grown up conversation. How do you both see finances working when you are a family not just a couple.

airbags · 08/04/2020 12:55

inevitably your views as a teen (still the end of childhood) to now as a woman in her late 20's will evolve. Just as they will again in another decade.
I can relate to what you write (but I was older when I met my husband). We were both anti marriage, didn't want kids at that point, both experienced horrible divorces as children. 9 years later, with a baby we decided to marry (but a tiny wedding out of choice - neither of us wanted the big OTT affair). Our views had evolved.
Now, another 15 years on and our views on life continue to evolve - and still on very very similar wavelengths.

You're entitled to change, grow up, have different views from back then and also to each other. Just communicate.

GabriellaMontez · 08/04/2020 12:57

A few things...

We grow up and change our minds. That's normal. It would be weird if we didn't.

I wouldn't ttc with someone I wasn't married to.

It's a stressful time for everyone at the moment. Not to say you should ignore your thoughts. Maybe the situation has given you a much needed chance to reflect.

If you cant talk to him frankly and openly and resolve conflict think again about ttc.

Have you planned how you'll use maternity leave, who will pay for childcare? What childcare youll use?

If there are things you cant talk to him openly about, that in itself is a problem.

When he's a bit better you could start by mentioning the money 'joke'. Say "you know that's a joke dont you " or whatever it is you feel about it and get his reaction. Perhaps he feels the same.

Read some of the threads on relationships about how vulnerable unmarried Mothers can be. Not to say you are, or all are. But it can create vulnerability.

Sally872 · 08/04/2020 13:00

Talk to him, I think you have to explain your feelings have changed and take it from there.

Fimofriend · 08/04/2020 13:04

Have you discussed how to pay for maternity leave? How to pay for child care and items the child will need? There appear to be many mums on mumsnet who found out AFTER they had the child that the not so dear DP expects the mum to pay for everything related to the child and to do every single one of the child-related chores. The attitude appears to be a bit like: "You wanted this puppy so it is only your pet and I might help from time to time out of the goodness of my heart".

user3274826 · 08/04/2020 13:04

Different circumstances but I've had a similar dilemma. Always been very vocally against getting married personally. Recently circumstances have changed and I've realised how financially vulnerable I now am. (OH has progressed through work and has a decent pension and life insurance and all my dream career options once youngest child starts school now will continue to remain on hold because of his work hours changing and not being compatible). We've discussed it all during this crisis and agreed to a civil partnership. Civil Partnerships became legal for opposite sex partners in December and are the ideal solution for those of us who are opposed to the sexist traditions of marriage. There are a few good posts about it on here if you do a search. It costs around £90 all in to get it done. All the legal protections of marriage without the baggage or being called a wife or husband.

OuterMongolia · 08/04/2020 13:08

I agree with user3274826. Would a civil partnership be a good compromise for you?

Dixiechickonhols · 08/04/2020 13:18

I think It’s sensible to have conversation. Citizens advice has a guide to differences between marriage and cohabitating. I think a lot of people will have thought more about wills, nok, bereavement at this time.

user3274826 · 08/04/2020 13:20

And I was also a little concerned about bringing it up for sounding mercenary. Currently I'm named on life insurance and both on the mortgage, but the big issue is with pension. A pension can only be passed to a spouse or civil partner in most cases. Even the most marriage reluctant would not want their pension to go to the state/employees in the early event of their death.

PapayaCoconut · 08/04/2020 13:21

Everyone is allowed to change their minds on any issue whatsoever. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that and in fact it would be pretty immature to never adapt your thinking as you get older and more experienced. Don't feel bad about this!

Noooblerooble · 08/04/2020 13:24

Please don't be embarrassed by your younger self. It's completely normal to change your mind drastically on certain things as you age. It's totally healthy. Some teenagers are holding onto far more stupid ideas and for far longer. I also wouldn't ttc with a man I wasn't married to. This website is littered with stories of that going very badly wrong.

WhatWouldJasonBourneDo · 08/04/2020 13:30

You haven't changed your mind though. Your opinions and feelings have evolved, as they should when you mature and gain life experiences and look to the future.

When DP is feeling well again, it would be a good time to have some frank discussions about the things you've highlighted in your post. Explain what has caused these thought processes and see where he sits.

I get what you mean about the whole "often a true word is said in jest" type of situation, but it's also possible that the old jokes are a part of what you describe as the juvenile element. Try to find an understanding.

YouDoYou18 · 08/04/2020 13:36

My husband didn’t want to get married when we met, at first it didn’t bother me but as we approached the one year mark I realised that if he definitely didn’t want to get married and have children and I definitely did we needed to end sooner rather than later. We sat down and talked about it, I explained that I totally appreciated that he didn’t, and l loved him a lot, but that I definitely knew I wanted marriage and children and if we stayed together for longer knowing we wanted different things it would only hurt us both more. In the end he decided that it meant more to me to be married than it did to him not to be married, we now have two children and he’s an amazing dad and loves his DCs more than anything! At the end of the day he needs to grow up and listen to what you want now and decide if he’s able to provide you with that, it’s totally fine for him not to but it’s not fine for him to try and ‘hold you to your word’ Good luck OP :)

wonderrotunda · 08/04/2020 13:42

Just a note about ‘next of kin’ people can choose...there is more info and a wallet sized form you can complete here
www.royalfree.nhs.uk/patients-visitors/advice-and-support/next-of-kin/

user1635896324685367 · 08/04/2020 13:42

There's no such thing as a legal next of kin for medical treatment.

user1635896324685367 · 08/04/2020 13:45

Also I don't see any reason to feel embarrassed about the fact your views as a teenager were different to your views ten years on.

Ponoka7 · 08/04/2020 13:47

Of course your attitude to things are going to change as you grow up and you can make anything you want a deal breaker.

At the least cohabiting couples should have living, if they have children, as well as after death wills.

Feedingthebirds1 · 08/04/2020 13:52

would I have to call his mum who lives on the other side of the world to make medical decisions for him?

Just on a practical note - I've had a few hospital visits lately (not CV) and I've always given DP as my next of kin. They've never said that because we're not married I have to pick an actual blood relative, and they've been happy to call him when needed.

Fatted · 08/04/2020 13:55

You are allowed to change your mind OP.

I've been with my DH for almost 19 years, we met when I was 21 and he was 19. We have both changed a lot as people in that time and naturally our relationship has changed as well. I can't say our relationship hasn't been without its ups and downs. Having DC pushed us to the limit and two years ago I thought we were headed for divorce.

For a relationship to succeed long term you have to be able to accept the person your partner becomes. You have to be able to talk about changes together and you have to be willing to compromise on some things together too.

There is nothing wrong with saying to your DP that you've changed your mind now. There's nothing wrong with ending the relationship if you're not on the same page anymore. Please do not feel like you have to stay with him purely because of how long you've been together.

MushroomTree · 08/04/2020 14:54

I'm the same age as you and a totally different person to the one I was at 18.

At 18 I wanted a huge white wedding and probably no kids. Or at least not until I was the very grown up age of 35 Hmm

At nearly 29 I'm a single parent to DD who's nearly 3 and I'll be damned if I've got any intention of even living with a man, let alone marrying him.

My point is, we change massively throughout our lives and your DP can't hold you to things you said as a teenager.

By the sounds of it you want different things now. Only you know if that's a deal breaker.

But I second the comments not to have a child with him. If you're having doubts now, a child won't improve the situation.