AIBU to change my mind re: marriage

[Waxylemons]

Name changed because I'm embarrassed.

DP and I have been together 10 years come this summer. I was 18 when we started going out. Now we bought a house together and were TTC. Stopped in light of CV and now I am questioning a lot of things. Like what would happen to the house (we are tenants in common) and how we could look after each other if either ended up in hospital.

I didn't want to get married or have DC when I was 18, 19, 20... etc. Over the past 4-5 years my feelings have changed but DP is holding me to things I said when I was literally a teenager. I also used to say stupid things like "obviously I'm only with you for your money" and I think he took that a bit seriously despite the fact that I am financially independent and he's not rich by any measure.

When we met he said he might want to get married one day, but as our relationship progressed he echoed my views. Now he's staunchly against it. For what it's worth, his parents had a horrible, messy divorce but had to live together for years and he faced the fallout from that aged 9-15.

I thought marriage was stupid and you couldn't "own" people. My own parents' horrible marriage probably coloured my view, along with my family pressuring me to settle down and pop out a few kids ASAP. I think I kind of felt like chattel and rebelled against that. I pretended not to like children, and hate big parties. I secretly didn't want a wedding because I have about 6 friends and thought weddings had to be big, busy affairs.

I don't really know how to proceed - whether to let it go or push the issue. I'm annoyed and embarrassed at my younger self.

So what did he say when you talked to him about all of this? Because you're fully entitled to your feelings, and to decide whether that's a deal breaker, but at least give him a chance to get in the same page

Next of kin may be dealt with pragmatically here could be messy if his legal nok don’t want you involved. But people do travel abroad. Legal status of marriage can make things easier in a crisis abroad eg if hospital or officials will only deal with legal nok.

Also marriage and wedding are two separate things, you can just pop in the registry office with two witnesses, don’t even need rings

I never wanted to get married (still don’t!) - but we did for practical purposes 25 years ago. If civil partnerships had been available would have chosen that option.

Still together (happily!) after 35 years!

Talk to him. It's obviously time to move things on, not necessarily marriage, but what happens if anything goes wrong. As you say you're not kids anymore and he needs to take that on-board and deal with that. If you want to have kids it's a good plan to have all of that clear in your heads. I told mil if dh and I didn't marry our kids would have my name. It wasn't an ultimatum or threat, just my view and always was. Neither she nor dh were happy, but that was how I felt and I wasn't moving on it. No that's not why we married, and I did change ds name when we married. Just talk.