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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that partner is taking no interest in baby

29 replies

Sadandalone01 · 07/04/2020 17:48

I'm 21 weeks pregnant following 2 previous miscarriages and partner doesn't seem to be taking any interest in the baby. We both planed for this baby, and for the first 16 weeks I hardly spoke about it as I was scared something would go wrong. Now I can feel it move around all day I'm getting more excited and looking forward to having a baby and looking into things such as prams and car seats. However, when I show my partner a pram he just tells me he's not interested and he is sick of me speaking about the baby. If I tell him the baby is moving alot he just keeps saying preg brain to me, saying all I do is speak about the baby. He tried to make me a deal earlier that he would spend time with me only if I didn't mention the baby. He has a child from a previous relationship and constantly tells me this isn't his first rodeo, which he knows I don't like as this is my first baby. Am I being unreasonable getting upset?

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 07/04/2020 17:49

Maybe he is worried about getting too attached to the idea of second time fatherhood because you have already lost two babies?

How much interest does he show in his other child?

pallasathena · 07/04/2020 17:52

Maybe he's a plonker...

Fluffybutter · 07/04/2020 17:54

I agree with ginfordinner, it’s a shit way to deal with it but I can kind of understand

Original poster
Sadandalone01 · 07/04/2020 17:54

He has a keen interest in his first child (first child wasn't planned) and the bond seems to have gotten stronger since I've been pregnant as he states he feels like this will make the four of us more of a family

OP posts:
FenellaMaxwell · 07/04/2020 17:54

Read what you said - you hardly spoke about it because you were worried but now you can feel it moving, you’re excited. He can’t feel it moving. He’s still where you were a few weeks ago. He’ll come around but it’s all a lot more immediate and real for you because it’s your body. Try not to worry too much.

OooThatsHarsh · 07/04/2020 17:55

He sounds like a twat. My partner uses the exact same phrase, he has two children already. I'm not trying to upset you but it doesn't get better. He (my DP) is still a twat who shows fuck all interest in our DS. I wish we had split before our baby was born. I'm a single parent sharing a house with someone having a more meaningful relationship with his phone. I hope for you and your baby's sake he shows some respect and interest. But tbh I don't think it will improve.... He offered you a deal to stop you talking about your baby!!! Unbelievable.

GrumpyHoonMain · 07/04/2020 17:56

I agree that he’s probably just trying to create some distance in case it doesn’t end well. Suggest you talk to him about how it makes you feel and get to the bottom of it.

Ginfordinner · 07/04/2020 17:56

Good luck with the pregnancy, and stay safe Flowers

Cheerbear23 · 07/04/2020 17:56

He tried to make me a deal earlier that he would spend time with me only if I didn't mention the baby.

What a shame, he can’t be bothered to talk about his own baby.

If I were you, I’d be preparing to do this on my own.

VenusClapTrap · 07/04/2020 17:57

Have you asked him why he doesn’t want to talk about it? Has he got cold feet?

Original poster
Sadandalone01 · 07/04/2020 17:57

I just feel alone throughout it, especially since I can't go and see my girlfriend's and have a chat with them. I've explained this is getting me down and he said he will be there for me instead.
For the first 16 weeks he was the one telling me I had to talk about the baby and telling me to stay positive. Now he tells me mentioning the baby once a week is enough. Can't win

OP posts:
Dozer · 07/04/2020 17:58

Is he a good father to his first DC, by which I mean a lot of regular contact, maintenance, including the dull aspects of parenting?

Original poster
Sadandalone01 · 07/04/2020 18:00

Pays maintenence religiously and more. Sees his son every weekend and his son worships him. They have a great bond together.

OP posts:
RoseGoldEagle · 07/04/2020 18:05

My DH never spoke much about the baby when I was pregnant (he would never have said something so rude about making a deal where you don’t talk about it though), I think it never really felt real to him until she was actually born.

1Morewineplease · 07/04/2020 18:13

I’m not making any excuses for him but do you think that your conversations with him are only about your pregnancy? Have you asked him why he won’t talk about your baby?
I’m sorry that you’re feeling lonely about it particularly as you can’t meet other mums-to-be at the moment. Are you able to link up with other mums-to-be?
All good wishes to you.

Thehop · 07/04/2020 18:13

I’m going against the grain, he sounds like a twat.

Hopefully pp are right and he’s just scared.

Staypositivepeople · 07/04/2020 18:16

Perhaps he’s a twat
Time will tell

Dozer · 07/04/2020 18:17

You say he “sees” his son: does he have him overnight, eg every other weekend? Do homework, admin, cook, health stuff, laundry etc? I ask because IMO good fathers separated from their DCs’ mothers do that stuff.

Really common for new GFs with no DC to think that a man talking warm words about his parenting and being Disney Dad of a Saturday means they’re a decent parent.

Would plan to return to work FT after maternity leave, since you’re not married.

Staypositivepeople · 07/04/2020 18:19

When my dh and I had our kids ,each time I was pregnant,that was all We talked about ,both of us , happy to talk about baby .
I’d be telling him to get excited or ship out .
It dosnt bode well for the future

Original poster
Sadandalone01 · 07/04/2020 18:23

Picks up from school Friday and takes him back Saturday. We have just had him 2 weeks due to the schools being closed and to give his mum a rest. I did the teaching in the day as I was home and then he took over after work, reading and spelling and making tea together. All his holidays he spends with us when his mum goes away. Partner takes him park, out on his bike, they watch films together and have their time on a sat and Sunday for an hour which I'm band from as it's boys time. So very much an active and involved father. I'm hoping he will be the same with the baby once it's born

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandalone01 · 07/04/2020 18:24

Takes him back Sunday, not saturday

OP posts:
Charlotteli · 07/04/2020 18:28

I find a lot of men are like this. Especially self confessed ‘men’s men’
I wouldn’t be too upset about it, things will get better. Pregnancy is different for men because the baby isn’t in them. There’s not that bond there for a lot of men until they actually have the baby in front of them

VenusClapTrap · 07/04/2020 18:31

Would plan to return to work FT after maternity leave, since you’re not married.

These are wise words, as he seems somewhat lukewarm about things. Don’t put yourself in a vulnerable position.

WifflyWaffle · 07/04/2020 18:31

Well, he sounds like a good father, just not a good father to be. I think the latter is pretty normal given that he’s seen you go through the trauma of losing two babies. He quite possibly doesn’t want to get attached and talk about the unborn baby all the time because what could happen is totally out of his control. Remember as well that although it’s your first, he’s gone through the whole process before and has a child that he’s massively bonded with: the enormity of you losing two babies could be even greater for him than you think. It’s possible he doesn’t want you to get too excited too, just in case. You may find as the time passes and you get nearer he can start to allow himself to feel more excited. I’ve miscarried too so I’m wishing you the healthiest and happiest pregnancy x

Darbs76 · 07/04/2020 18:32

What a complete tw*t

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