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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex plans to mix households and see the dc

34 replies

DailyFacePalm · 07/04/2020 13:40

My ex and I have young dc who live with me and see him regularly. We've been in 2 week isolation until a few days ago because I was ill but that's finished now and all feeling fine. Ex observed isolation too at his house so that he could still see the dc (as permitted, driving door to door).

He has told me that he plans to move into his girlfriend's house and only go to his house when he has the dc. He says this is fine because she won't be seeing anyone but him (apart from the food shopping and daily exercise they both will do).

I'm very angry. I'm an essential worker (NHS) and due back in work in a few days. I am relying on him to look after the children while I am at work. I could send them to school but really don't want to and the hours I need wouldn't be covered anyway.

What he's planning to do is totally illegal, dangerous and selfish isn't it? Everyone else is missing their loved ones (I'm no different) and he thinks it's fine to shack up with his girlfriend and then travel back to his house to see his dc. By adding an unnecessary 3rd party into the mix he's just increasing the risk to the dc, me and the people I come into contact with at work.

Am I overreacting if I say he has to choose between seeing her or seeing the dc, even though that'll put me in a very difficult position with covering childcare and work? Should I threaten to report him? Who would I report him to?

Any advice would be great. Thanks.

OP posts:
JasonPollack · 07/04/2020 13:43

I don't really understand what difference it makes, surely it's the same as if they lived together? Plenty of couples have chosen to move in together for lockdown who didn't live together previously.

Mollymaejonrs · 07/04/2020 13:44

I wouldn’t report him, this could irreversibly damage the relationship with him which your DC don’t need.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 07/04/2020 13:46

Can't see the problem. Its not as if shd has kids who are bouncing backwards and forwards too. If she moved in with him or he took the kids to hers would you be happier? Both are explicitly allowed

HostaFireAndIce · 07/04/2020 13:47

To be honest, OP, it's you who is the much greater threat of bringing anything home to your children. I don't mean that to sound harsh and I know you don't have any choice, but in the grand scheme of things, if they're still seeing you and you're out at work, I doubt that one more person in the mix is going to make a huge difference if she really isn't seeing anyone else.
You're not wrong though - he shouldn't really be doing it!

Original poster
DailyFacePalm · 07/04/2020 13:47

@JasonPollack the thing is though that it's not necessary. He has his own house. We should be absolutely limiting our social interactions. He doesn't need to see her. I get that he wants to - but that's tough tbh!

@Molly - would I report him to the police?

OP posts:
Mollymaejonrs · 07/04/2020 13:49

Why would you report him though? You do realise how much damage and drama you will cause?

Original poster
DailyFacePalm · 07/04/2020 13:50

I don't want to report him - police have much more important things to do - I'm just angry at his arrogance. Look at the bloody death toll. It's a month or 2 without sex - perspective!!

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 07/04/2020 13:51

So he’s moving in to her house but keeping his house so he can take the kids there?

Why??

luckylavender · 07/04/2020 13:52

He's definitely in the wrong.

OuterMongolia · 07/04/2020 13:52

Sorry OP, but I don't think that what he's doing is against the lockdown rules? Separated parents are allowed to see their DC, even if one of them is living with another person.

Original poster
DailyFacePalm · 07/04/2020 13:54

@OhCaptain yes - they both live alone in their own houses. He's going to stay at hers because he misses her. The kids don't know about her yet as they haven't been together very long.

OP posts:
Original poster
DailyFacePalm · 07/04/2020 13:55

@OuterMongolia I know - we are transporting the kids between us - this is him choosing to be in physical contact with an extra person at her house rather than just battening down the hatches and staying in his own house, like everyone else.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 07/04/2020 13:57

I think what he is doing is within the guidelines. Separated parents are allowed to see their children. You sound a bit controlling and resentful of his new partner.

screwcovid19 · 07/04/2020 14:04

So he's moving in with her? I don't think that is against the rules tbh.

Your comment about it being 2 months without sex shows how your view their relationship.

bridgetreilly · 07/04/2020 14:04

I think YABU, tbh. Yes, it's not completely within the rules, because they currently run as two separate households. But all it is doing is effectively adding one other person to the household, and I don't think it is massively unreasonable for him to want to do that in the circumstances.

Ferfooksek · 07/04/2020 14:05

It’s fine. You do sound bitter though and that may be clouding your judgement

maddening · 07/04/2020 14:06

I don't think they are increasing any risks, she could move in with him and the dc go to both of them.

I would not report this.

Why are the dc not aware of her yet? If they were it would probably make it easier as they could just move in together for the isolation.

BiarritzCrackers · 07/04/2020 14:06

It is against the rules, but if you actually look at the danger aspect, the additional risk is minimal as long as the GF is absolutely not seeing anyone else, and not going to a workplace or shopping more than is necessary. Which is what they say she is doing.

The alternative would be for exP and his GF to fully move in together temporarily even when your DC is there, but that would be unsettling for your DC as it's a relatively recent relationship. ExP returning to his own property to have DC there is a relatively sensible compromise.

EasyPeasyHappyCheesy · 07/04/2020 14:08

I think yabu. The risk is significantly higher from you being at work with others I would think

TiredofSM · 07/04/2020 14:11

If he is going out shopping and exercising then I also don’t believe it is greatly increasing the children’s risk of exposure. I say this in the context of your role.
That said, I do agree it’s against the rules as they are not combining households and living at one address, he is travelling between the two (which counts as unnecessary).

LimpidPools · 07/04/2020 14:12

It's really no different from if they were moving in together. It just protects your kids from being introduced to a new partner too soon/earlier than planned.

It's pretty much in the spirit of the guidelines. There is no ideal situation here.

Weebitawks · 07/04/2020 14:13

I think YABU. As said above, lots of people have chosen to move in with their partners. He actually didn't have to tell you and the person posing the most risk is you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2020 14:13

You think it’s illegal? Why do you think that?

I agree, if he and his partner are self isolating you’re the one most at risking of catching it and passing it on.

You sound irrational and resentful. What’s better for your children? Not warring parents and school. It’s being with their dad when their mum is working and their mum not bringing her jealousy into it.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/04/2020 14:15

Surely you being a frontline worker is more of a risk than him seeing one person?

He shouldn't be going to visit her though really, it is against what we have been told.

@maddening that's a bit of a silly question, if they haven't been together that long then their dad suddenly moving in with a girlfriend and having to see her every time they go over isn't in the best interests of the children.

Original poster
DailyFacePalm · 07/04/2020 14:17

Oh for goodness sake, I'm not bitter twisted or controlling. I want to protect my dc and the people I NEED to come in contact with at work as much as I possibly can, from a massively contagious deadly disease Hmm

Ex and I both agree that introducing a partner of a couple of months would be premature and not in the dcs' best interests.

OP posts: