To think she's out of order not to warn my DB against doing this?

[Mittens030869]

This is about my DM and my DB. He has serious MH issues and I know he will obviously find lockdown difficult to handle. But I was still very annoyed when she told me that he was leaving his flat just to walk around the shops (not an essential errand). Her justification was that he's not likely to get serious symptoms, as he's only early 50s and has no underlying health issues. (This is true, he's hardly ever physically ill at all, though by that score, Boris Johnson wouldn't have been expected to get serious symptoms either.)

Anyway, I challenged her strongly, as it's not so much about him, he's putting others at risk. She responded by backtracking, as is her habit; he only goes out 3 times a week and practises social distancing blah blah.

I reacted the way I did because I'm suffering COVID-19 symptoms and have been ill for 4 weeks. I was serious (moderate, it would be defined as, I think) for the first 2 weeks, since then I'm recovering very slowly, hopefully. I've been stuck in the house and my DH has had to cope with a stressed DD1 (11), who has SEN and adoption related attachment issues, and WFH. So my sympathy was in short supply.

My DM made me feel that I was overreacting and not being sympathetic about how hard it is for my DB. I ended up apologising (as usual) but pointed out that he might get challenged by the police, so she should talk to him about the rules (which she said she hadn't done).

Then she picked an argument about whether cuddling my cats (something that's really comforting to me) might lead to it passing to my family. Because of the tiger in the New York. But forgetting that it was the tiger that sick not the zoo keepers. And also my cats have not had symptoms.

Talk about diverting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm unreasonable when I argue with her. I'm not, am I? My DH agrees with me, as someone with asthma.

You need to stop seeing her as a victim you need to excuse and protect. She was an adult. You were a child. She is your mother. You her child. She isn't a good mother.

It sounds like this outing is just the straw that broke the camels back.

He is an adult, not sure what you expect your mother to do really. also, even just walking to the shops for the sake of walking to the shops is allowed, it might be his exercise for the day? Even if not, adults can make their own choices. It might be selfish and short sighted..but ultimately, noone can make the decision for him.

I think some people are being a bit harsh on here. Someone posted that they took their dog out twice in a rural area and people went crazy but your DB wondering around the shops coming into contact with people is apparently ok

I think you and your mum are both stressed about the virus and worried about your DB getting/spreading the virus but as a grown man there is not a lot you can do. Try not to fall out with your mum because she is probably just as annoyed as you are about it but if he's difficult to cope with then this may be her only peace from him!

It's also the fact that my DB's hygiene isn't great, hence my concern, for him as well as other people. I just wish my DM wouldn't tell me about him. She's had a habit of guilt tripping me about him, saying how lonely he is and how much he misses being part of our lives.

I get that he has a lot of issues. We used to help him, my DH has gone out of his way to help him many times, and we used to have him over for family events (before the memories of the past abuse came back) but he used to shout at our DDs.

I also understand that my DM is 80 and wants my support, and I have always listened and made appropriately supportive replies.

I think people are defending him because I've said that he has MH issues and my DM is 80. We've talked to her about putting arrangements in place for when she's no longer able to care for him, but she does nothing about it.

We've talked to her about putting arrangements in place for when she's no longer able to care for him, but she does nothing about it.

If you're not careful, that's going to fall to you.

OP, you really need to set boundaries with her,

At the end of the day it’s easy to sit at home and poke holes in how others care for family members. But at the end of the day unless you are prepared to step up to the plate you should keep quiet. My aunt does this regularly to my dad (who is caring for another family member) but then is strangely absent whenever any real effort is required as she’s a selfish bitch.

That's worrying especially as your mum who he lives with is 80 so she's already at risk and that must be very frustrating to have to hear things like that from her all the time. I wonder if she feels guilty from the past so now she is worried about getting help to care for him as she thinks it's her responsibility.

I don't know how you would deal with her. If she's anything like my mum I ask her not to do something and she will carry on anyway!

It won't fall to Op at all.

She just has to say no and if he isn't able to care for him the state will have to step in.
She doesn't have to care about him. Doesn't have to care about his needs or his wants. He is not her problem and never will be as long as she holds boundaries.

Christ have you read the OP's posts?! There's a context for all this.

Sorry, he doesn't live with her, he has a flat near her and she's in regular contact with him. He actually isn't kind to her either. I think in a way she's infantilised him and enabled his behaviour but social care are aware of his needs.

I would be a lot more worried if he were living with her now; I wouldn't just be annoyed if that were the case.

Apologies if that wasn't clear.

She's stood by him because he was abused too, and he was groomed. I get that. But I don't like the way she expects us to forget about it.

It's not a rule that abused people go on to abuse others.

He was abused. That was tragic.

He abused. That is criminal. He is a perpetrator and not a victim of your abuse.

He's just taking excercise OP. Even people with MH problems are allowed to do this. 3x per week is less than the recommended daily level. Unless he needs to be institutionalised for his own safety and that of others, he has every right to get as much fresh air as the next man.

Sorry i missed the part about him being an abuser.

I think he shouldn't be takin his exercise in a shop though. We are only meant to be shopping for essential items not to go in there for exercise.

It is a relief he doesn't live with your DM so she is less at risk herself.

I know that. But the first time he was forced to do it, after being assaulted himself. (It was a violent assault which my F knew about but didn't participate in.). I witnessed what happened to him.

There's no reason to think he's abused anyone as an adult, the last time I remember happened when he was 14/15.

He abused my DSis more than me, though, and involved his friends. She was 4 years younger than him. (I went to a private school so that's why it happened to me less.). The police could have pursued it, but decided that it wasn't in the public interest, as he's a vulnerable adult. And my DSis and I agreed to this, it's still on file, obviously.

He has images in his head of what happened, he talks about it but, because of the lack of context, it was diagnosed as schizophrenia. But it fits with what we remember of our childhood.

So we can't have him in our lives and I suppose that's why I overreacted over something I have no control over.

@drunkyhumptydumpty I agree but if he was abused young and then did the same to someone else at a young age there's an argument he didn't know that it was as wrong as it is and he was copying someone else/forced to do something he didn't want to do, which is maybe why the mum has not disowned him. Not saying it is right of course.

Sorry just seen your update OP

That's awful I can't imagine what you all went through.

@Poppi89

I agree with you there. I wouldn't just be annoyed if that were the case, I'd be very anxious. It wouldn't be safe anyway he has been aggressive towards her in the past, and she's now elderly.

She's away in Africa for 2 months every year, so he does survive, except that he can't manage his money. We used to be expected to step in and help him, but we've said no now, and there's a friend from my DM's church who he can contact if he needs to. He still calls occasionally but I don't reply.

You are not responsible for him or his mental health he is a grown man you did not need to tell your mother off if he is approached by the police then that really isn't yourissue. Have you not got enough to cope with concentrate onyour own family.

Yes I think you're right to take a step back from him even without your horrific past it is too much for you to deal with when you have your own DC to concentrate on.

I want to thank everyone for their comments, including those telling me to give my head a wobble! I asked the question because I know I can rely on AIBU for honesty.

And thank you to those who have given me support over the childhood abuse.

Now it's time to focus on recovery from this virus so I can get back to being a mum to my DDs.