To think she's out of order not to warn my DB against doing this?

[Mittens030869]

This is about my DM and my DB. He has serious MH issues and I know he will obviously find lockdown difficult to handle. But I was still very annoyed when she told me that he was leaving his flat just to walk around the shops (not an essential errand). Her justification was that he's not likely to get serious symptoms, as he's only early 50s and has no underlying health issues. (This is true, he's hardly ever physically ill at all, though by that score, Boris Johnson wouldn't have been expected to get serious symptoms either.)

Anyway, I challenged her strongly, as it's not so much about him, he's putting others at risk. She responded by backtracking, as is her habit; he only goes out 3 times a week and practises social distancing blah blah.

I reacted the way I did because I'm suffering COVID-19 symptoms and have been ill for 4 weeks. I was serious (moderate, it would be defined as, I think) for the first 2 weeks, since then I'm recovering very slowly, hopefully. I've been stuck in the house and my DH has had to cope with a stressed DD1 (11), who has SEN and adoption related attachment issues, and WFH. So my sympathy was in short supply.

My DM made me feel that I was overreacting and not being sympathetic about how hard it is for my DB. I ended up apologising (as usual) but pointed out that he might get challenged by the police, so she should talk to him about the rules (which she said she hadn't done).

Then she picked an argument about whether cuddling my cats (something that's really comforting to me) might lead to it passing to my family. Because of the tiger in the New York. But forgetting that it was the tiger that sick not the zoo keepers. And also my cats have not had symptoms.

Talk about diverting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm unreasonable when I argue with her. I'm not, am I? My DH agrees with me, as someone with asthma.

It sounds like your mother protects and enables your brother. I can't understand you are angry and frustrated with her, but I think you should try to take a step back.
It doesn't sound like there is a healthy family dynamic, and you are on a hiding to nothing. Don't exhaust yourself with this. I know this will sound harsh but you cant stop him, you cant control him, and she won't take your side.

Focus on yourself and what you can do to stay healthy.

I think you might be better off stepping away from much contact with your mum if hearing about your brother is part of the deal with her. I'm sorry you went through that.

Honestly just wash your hands of it. Don’t see them, don’t think about it.

I can't imagine the pain you've gone through. Has your mother stood by your brother? Did she ever hold him accountable to your abuse?
It sounds like he gets to do whatever he wants regardless of who he endangers.

I would, as others have said, cut him out defiantly. So from here on out he's dead to you. If she brings him up tell her you never want to hear his name again.

And also take a massive step back from her.

My DB is like you OP. He is getting very worked up and upset about people who aren’t treating isolation properly. The problem is you can’t change other people’s behaviour - if you are close to them you can tell them what you think but after that it’s out of your hands.

Leave your mother out of this. Speak strongly and directly to your DB. But don’t drive yourself mad over it. If knowing the facts as you present them doesn’t change his mind there’s nothing you can do about it. You can only be responsible for you and any children in your care, not every adult in your family. Falling out with your mum isn’t going to change him.

There is no need to come down so hard on her, no matter how annoying you find it. Trying to control a 50 year old adult man with autism is not going to be easy for an elderly 80 year old woman!

If you think she doesn't know the rules then explain them and explain he is putting her and others at risk. Then you need to step back and leave them to it.

Why would he be challenged by the police?

I don't understand why you feel the need to get involved OP?

You can't control him and you can't control your mum. Don't waste your precious energy in trying to do so.

Focus on your own healing. If your mum and DB want to expose themselves (and others) to Covid-19 there is nothing you can (presently) do to stop them. You've spoken your piece, let it go now.

I have an adult son who has mental health issues. I am struggling massively at the moment. Your mum is older than me and frankly, I don’t envy her. My son is just 19 and since lockdown, he is shrinking mentally and physically before my very eyes.

I know we are very close to him feeling life is useless again.

YABU

I suppose the issue really is that my DM keeps telling me about him and expecting me to feel sympathy for him. I'd actually rather she didn't tbh. As you say, it isn't my business and I'd rather she left me out of it.

But then when I say something she minimises, which she does about our childhood too, and always has.

I appreciate all the comments, thank you.

Then she ha to go. She is not a good person. She doesn't care about you. And you are not responsible for her woes.

He has autism, too? Good grief, in stead of upsetting your 80yr old mum, why don’t you contact adult mental health services for some much much needed help?

My son has Aspergers. It’s f***g hard.

Are people missing the bit where her brother participated in her childhood sexual abuse?

Why should she help him?

I do accept that it's hard for him. I have MH issues myself as a result of the abuse (PTSD and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and now I have COVID-19 symptoms, so I really understand. I'm just not in a place where I can feel much sympathy.

I do feel sympathy for my DM; she's been devastated to find out about the past and she often cries when I bring it up, so I don't. It's probably best if we both stop talking about these sensitive issues.

Can you end the call instead of engaging with her about your brother? Put in some boundaries instead of going along with the minimisation of your trauma. "Let's change the subject, shall we, or I'll have to go"

Sometimes crying can be a manipulative thing.

I suppose the issue really is that my DM keeps telling me about him and expecting me to feel sympathy for him.

The good thing is, you have some choices here:

1. continue letting her wind you up about him
2. reduce or cut contact with her too
3. tell her you don't want to hear about it and change the subject or end the conversation if she insists
4. perfect the art of tuning out and murmuring "that's a shame" while thinking about what to make for lunch

Only you know what would work best for your circumstances and her personality, but while you don't have control over him or her, you do have the power to change how you respond if you want to.

So she made you responsible for her upset about you being abused as a child?

Let her cry. Just hang up.

I'm not convinced that he is autistic tbh. I remember him as a little boy up to the time of the abuse; he was a happy, contented little boy. I think he has complex PTSD like I do. But he claims to remember nothing so that can't be diagnosed.

So I do have empathy for him in that way. I just don't have the headspace to give him at this moment. I have my own SEN DD (11), as I said. I know how hard it is.

Off topic, but I am so sorry to hear what you endured in your childhood, and that you’re having to deal with COVID-19 symptoms now too on top of that

It's ok not to have the emotional bandwidth for someone who abused you as a child.

It's ok not to have the emotional bandwidth for your mother, who makes it about her feelings when the past is brought up.

Thank you for the comments, it's a complex issue. I do get the upset she feels, because I recently discovered that my DD2 (8) was being groomed in the roblox chatroom (I hadn't even realised that there was a chatroom! We reported to the police and Post Adoption Support and and disabled the chatroom.

It was devastating and very triggering. But I certainly would never have let DD2 see my upset. I cried when she wasn't around.

My DM needs to talk to a therapist about everything, but she won't. Instead she treats my DSis and me as her therapists. My DSis has had much less patience with her than I've had; I should take a leaf out of her book, I think.

Honestly, you have every right to say "Mum, I don't want to talk about XX. If you insist I will end the call". Then do it. And keep doing it until she gets the message. You don't have to explain why, she already knows.

You're going to have to 'train' your mum just the way your DB has 'trained' her to put him before you and DSis.

If she's 80 then I would think that she has little power over a 30 year old man. Perhaps she doesn't want the fight with him?
My dad is 82 and goes regularly to shops but at the end of the day I feel powerless to stop him and he's living his own life.

He's 52 not 30. My main issue is that she enables his behaviour and always has. I think it's now very motivated by guilt.

I have come to see that she was emotionally abused by my F, who was also very controlling of all of us. So she's a victim too, I'm just not the one to help her.