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Original poster

Covid affecting my relationship/feelings for boyfriend

26 replies

elodiegrace · 06/04/2020 22:56

Have only been with partner for 10 months, but things were quite fast paced and we've been living together for about 7 of those months. Due to covid I've chosen to lockdown at my parents home as I'm immunosupressed and a severe asthmatic, while my partner stays 3 hours away in our flat still working. We are looking at 12 weeks apart at the least (right?).

However I'm finding it incredibly hard. As he is on his own he's getting quite depressed and, while I understand, it means he's spending his free time either drinking on his own or getting so bored he keeps starting arguments. I feel like I'm being worn down, and while I understand this isn't how things are normally, I feel like I'm just getting very detached. It feels like I've ran out of feelings for him? Which sounds awful to admit but I just don't know what to do. Part of me thinks well it'll be over in 9/10 weeks and things can go back to normal, but another part of me thinks well I want to do camp america, etc, in the future and if he acts like this over 12 weeks apart how is that going to work? It just feels like he's wanting me to be glued to my phone all day, if I don't text back within half an hour he's phoning me or, if it's late, sending me more messages like "aw why are you asleep :(" etc, it's sending me crazy.

I know some might say oh well he just loves you and wants to talk to you, but I've always been very happy to be in my own company etc and I'm feeling quite suffocated by it all.

I just want to know if a lot of people are feeling the same? Or if I'm being unreasonable? Just feeling very emotionally detached from him.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 06/04/2020 23:01

Maybe you just aren’t right for each other, 10 months is such a short time to get to know someone.

Freddiefox · 06/04/2020 23:02

That’s probably isn’t what you wanted to hear

Original poster
elodiegrace · 06/04/2020 23:04

@freddiefox no I don't mind hearing that! I kind of agree in a way I just don't know if my judgement is being clouded by everything else going on

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 06/04/2020 23:05

Absence should make the heart grow fonder. It hasnt in your case so I would split up.

Dozer · 06/04/2020 23:06

You moved in together before you knew each other.

These are v challenging times for everyone. If this relationship doesn’t work out, that’s OK.

Original poster
elodiegrace · 06/04/2020 23:08

@RedHelenB that's a good point, I think it's also a struggle as he seems to be the opposite and seems desperate to make things work for the most part, but then the starting arguments keeps making a comeback so maybe not.

@dozer I think that's why I don't understand my own feelings because we moved in quick but I adore him when I live with him? It's now that we're apart that I'm feeling indifferent which is odd.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 06/04/2020 23:08

A man who drinks and gets argumentative when he's bored and can't entertain himself is best avoided.

Original poster
elodiegrace · 06/04/2020 23:15

@2rebecca yeah some of the things he has said in arguments have appalled me, one thing being that his dad was talking about baby name traditions in their family and said in their group chat "your babies initials will be this" to him and I, and I said to him privately I didn't want to be pointed out in their group chat and told I would have to do name a future child what his dad wanted as it was a bit uncomfortable. To which he said if I ever had a baby with him and didn't end up following that tradition he would leave me on my own. Might not sound bad but it's a sensitive subject for me and he knows that, so it really stuck with me? Maybe I'm being stupid.

OP posts:
justchecking1 · 06/04/2020 23:17

How old are you both?

2Rebecca · 06/04/2020 23:17

No, him threatening to leave you if you dont do what he wants over something that should be a joint decision is a bad sign

ECBC · 06/04/2020 23:20

If it’s not working for you then you have time to think things through and decide what you want to do. The babies initials thing sounds a bit odd though.

Yallreadyforthis · 06/04/2020 23:20

I know some might say oh well he just loves you and wants to talk to you

I don't think anyone over the age of 12 would say that.

He doesn't sound like a fully formed adult yet. Chuck him back, he's of no real use to you in his current state

Baboomtsk · 06/04/2020 23:24

He sounds like a bit of a pain to be honest. Also, the baby naming initials thing sounds bizarre-is it cultural?

Chocolate1984 · 06/04/2020 23:26

So you are completely isolating, only seeing your parents, due to your health. He is going to work, as normal, mixing with other adults and then having a go because he is lonely? He can’t entertain himself for a few hours a night? Get A grip.

Original poster
elodiegrace · 06/04/2020 23:27

Those saying it's not working do you think it's worth waiting it out until this is over? I'm just worried it's just lockdown etc making everything weird and that I throw away a usually good relationship and then regret it.

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks the baby initial thing is odd though.

OP posts:
Original poster
elodiegrace · 06/04/2020 23:27

@Baboomtsk no not cultural just a tradition for some reason

OP posts:
Enough4me · 06/04/2020 23:31

In a relationship if you are at the stage of looking for reasons that it could end, thinking it should end and would feel relieved for it to end, it has really ended. How tricky will it be to sort out living arrangements?

anascrecca · 06/04/2020 23:31

I'd end it now, I've had suffocating relationships , they don't get better, they just get worse x

ClapForCats · 06/04/2020 23:33

The baby initial thing is bizarre - and his response to you about it is worrying.

Threatening to leave you if you didn't abide by it is cruel.

Honestly, OP - it sounds like you maybe set up home together a bit quickly and now you're going through a difficult time, due to this lockdown, he is showing you his true colours.

It's quite lucky in a way. I know that sounds trite, but what I mean is that you can end things with him and move on with your life.

I would be deeply unimpressed by his drinking and arguing.

He is showing you what he is really like. Sorry. Flowers

1FootInTheRave · 06/04/2020 23:41

He's a dick and I think you'll have had a lucky escape tbh.

Oceanblueeyes21 · 06/04/2020 23:42

From reading your post @elodiegrace to me it seems the issue is with your BF and not so much your relationship. He is most likely taking it out on you though!

He sounds depressed, lonely and struggling with the new dynamics in his life and your relationship. He probably feels abandoned that you left to stay with your parents especially considering the intensity of your relationship before that. He is probably struggling to get used to this new normal.

I would suggest some productive methods to lift his spirit and yours. Perhaps suggest a regular video chat, a time where you can watch a movie together while on chat or eat together on video chat! These are all things people are doing at the moment with friends.

You should encourage him to stop drinking and make plans for when this is all over. Relationships take work and they are not always easy. It takes more than love. You need to calm down, take a deep breath and make decisions without being overly emotional.

Your feelings are not loyal to you and if you end it today based on how your feeling about him at the moment, you may regret it later when you realise it was a decision taken in haste.

Is there no way that you can not just go back to stay with him? Like, if he takes the recommended procreations then I am sure you will be okay. Prevention is better than cure and one thing he can do is boil water with ginger and garlic and drink that throughout the day. A friend has covid-19 and drank this and got better quickly. Ginger tea is also good.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 06/04/2020 23:44

This is one of those situations where the lockdown is a blessing in disguise. You're getting breathing space to assess your feelings - which you haven't had until now, moving in together at such speed!

He sounds awful. Telling you in advance he'll leave you if you don't agree to giving your hypothetical baby certain initials? Texting you late and comparing you're asleep? Nah. Bin him.

FluffyLamkins · 06/04/2020 23:47

I’d make a break for it. This is not a good sign at this stage in your relationship. Run away while you can. There’s a few bad signs here you don’t want to get landed with for life.

DustyOwl · 07/04/2020 00:06

I'm not sure how old you are but the bit that stood out for me was "I want to do Camp America."

I was with someone at 18 and I wanted to go travelling and he couldn't, so I went anyway. I missed him like crazy. I was gone for 3 months but when I got back it was all good. If he had been messaging me 24/7 or picking arguments with me while I was away we would never have lasted.

Then I went to Uni, 200 miles away for 3 years. Same again, it was hard being apart but we both handled it in a way which meant it worked. We have now been together 24 years.

You are right to listen to those alarm bells. He sounds clingy and if you have any future travel goals think very carefully about your future with him.

LivinginSilves · 07/04/2020 00:27

@Oceanblueeyes21
Is there no way that you can not just go back to stay with him? Like, if he takes the recommended procreations then I am sure you will be okay. Prevention is better than cure and one thing he can do is boil water with ginger and garlic and drink that throughout the day. A friend has covid-19 and drank this and got better quickly. Ginger tea is also good
Step away from Facebook and the miracle cures, they don't work and you are being irresponsible by sharing these lies.
Op the advice id give you is to just wait until the restrictions are eased, it sounds as though your relationship took off very quickly so maybe this is a good time to just slow things down am re-evaluate your relationship when life s a bit back to normal.

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