Bending the rules...

[NamechangeRona]

Name changed as pretty outing.

Any input welcome. I was sure I'm not being unreasonable but now doubting myself?

Background:

DP & I have been together 4 years. We don't live together - there have been times when he's stayed 2 nights a week and times when it's been 6 nights.

He has one child and I have two. His house is an hour away.

The reason we've never bought a house together is because he wants to live an hour away (close to his child) and I want to live here (close to my support network). I go through phases of being okay with this and then sometimes wishing I had a normal relationship with a proper blended family.

The issue:

When lockdown happened I just assumed he'd move in here for the duration. It's not ideal - small flat, I'm still trying to wfh and homeschool, he's a keyworker on shifts. But nothing is ideal about this, right? We're all suffering. None of us are in the high risk category.

He didn't want to. Fair enough 🤷🏻‍♀️ I ended things there and then. Before the lockdown happened we'd already not seen each other for over a week because he was working away. He didn't want to come here that weekend as said he hadn't been social distancing (it was a course, lots of people in a classroom) I was fine with this but he still went to pick up his son.

I'm really struggling with my mental health. I don't have a garden, two children and a large dog who is used to lots of exercise, and I'm self employed so if I can't work I don't get paid. I'm very close with my family (I see my grandma every day usually). It's really difficult. I thought we could have at least supported each other through this horrible time, but it felt like he just wanted to live himself (less stressful for him). He didn't say that - but that's how I took it.

So I ended things.

Now he's saying it's no problem for him to come through some nights and split his time between both houses like he normally does.

I'm trying to explain to him it's against the rules. It's written CLEARLY in the legislation that you cannot do this. You either move in - or you don't see each other.

He says that there is no more risk if he stays in an empty house for a couple of nights.

I asked what he'd say if he was stopped by the police (HE IS A POLICE OFFICER!!!!!) and he said police officers will apply common sense. It's just guidelines. He's not putting anyone extra at risk.

To me this just seems like he's trying to preserve his "escape". He wants to see me, and the kids, but wants to have time to himself to get away and go back to just looking after himself.

I just can't help feeling like he's being selfish. Why can't we both muck in and pull through this together? Surely that's what a relationship is FOR?

So... please help. Who is being unreasonable?

Was I right to end it? We have a pretty good relationship. No real arguments or issues. Now I'm questioning throwing a decent relationship away over "guidelines" when apparently you're allowed to use common sense? Am I over reacting?

I can't say if you were right to end things, I can see why you did though. But you are absolutely right not to let him just stick with how things were before. As a key worker he is going to be in contact with more people than you which poses a greater risk to your family. In all honesty, on that basis alone i probably wouldn't have wanted him to move in. But the rules are quite clear on staying in 1 household and not making unnecessary and long journeys. All of which would be happening. YANBU

I think you have been unreasonable.
I don't understand why you suddenly ended it because he didn't choose to move in with you there and then.
He's a key worker so surely him staying away is safer for you all, plus his house is near his child who I'm guessing he would still want to be close to.
You had a relationship that was working well and because of lockdown you just decided he had to do what you wanted.
Reading your post you made a lot of assumptions but didn't actually talk to him about it and now you are blaming it on guidelines.
Sorry but I think you have massively overreached and if you want to fix it, stop making assumptions and communicate properly with him.
As someone who lives with a key worker who works shifts, your home doesn't sound like an ideal place for him to be right now.
You might not be in the at risk groups but anyone of you could still catch it.
It sounds like he's trying to compromise to make you happy.

I was fine with this but he still went to pick up his son.

Good that he wants to see and spend time with his child.

I think YABU, he doesn’t need to move in with you and support you, he needs to do his job and be with his child.

You sound annoyed because he's not around to help you with your responsibility

He doesn't want to move in with you. He likes your relationship the way it is. I don't know why you assumed the lockdown would mean he'd move in with you.

When he stays with you 6 nights a week how does that work with regards to him paying his way?

I think it was a bit of a rash decision - but he’s completely wrong in that he can come and stay still. He can’t. He sounds like he wants his space too. Whether that’s right or wrong he’s honest at least. I think you have to consider if this is going anywhere long term

He's in the wrong over this issue. He shouldn't be breaking the lockdown rules.

But I'm not sure that you were right to end it. I mean it's your choice to end it for any reason you want to, but this doesn't seem like a big reason to me? If you don't live together normally then moving in together is a big step and I understand why he would think it's not a good idea, especially as you both have DC who aren't used to being a blended family.

Maybe leave things for the moment and revisit at the end of lockdown?

It’s tricky because I wouldn’t want to move into my partner’s “small flat” with her, two children and large dog with no outdoor space during quarantine. As kindly as possible, surely you can see that isn’t an attractive idea, logistically?
However, I wouldn’t be letting him come and go now. Can’t have your cake and fuck it eat it.

I don't understand why you suddenly ended it because he didn't choose to move in with you there and then.

Maybe an overreaction... I'm not sure. Like I said I am really struggling at the moment. I'm used to him being here most of the time, my grandma popping in every morning for a coffee, going out with my mum every weekend. To go from all of that to being stuck inside a house with only 2 children is really bloody hard. Add in homeschool & work... I'd already been doing that for over a week when lockdown was announced. Everyone thought it would be months (many still do) and I just didn't see how the relationship could have survived. Plus, like I said in my post I think we should be a team.

When we thought his child's mum was having to work (not a keyworker) I offered to have him here with me. I see us as a family but I don't think he does. It feels like he wants to have his cake and eat it - hence why I finished things.

You might not be in the at risk groups but anyone of you could still catch it.

I'm of the thought that we will catch it. I've heard the vaccine is 18m away so I'm going on the basis that we'll all probably catch it before that happens. I'm personally more worried about my mental health and finances than I am about catching the virus. I know that's not a popular opinion on here. I'm still following all of the rules to the letter but I'm not afraid of catching it.

The thing is, it objectively makes more sense for him to stay away, if you ignore the extra strain on you. So this all depends on his knowing you're struggling and choosing not to be there for you. Did you actually tell him? Because he might not get how hard it all is because he's not there. I think I'd have had a frank discussion first.

Actually it would have made more sense to move to his for the duration but that depends on how the children are with the relationship, obviously not going to work now.

Yabu.. it’s a shit situation but I can see why he didn’t want to move in and I think your family are safer for it . You haven’t chosen to live together normally so why suddenly do so now 🤷‍♀️ It’s be a pressure pot

I think ending it doesn’t sound like what you want and might have been a reaction in the heat of it all and feeling sad and unhappy and being apart and maybe a bit let down and abandoned by him

He is obviously reaching out to you now by wanting to come but I agree with you that it’s not a good idea.. so maybe just coming. To some reconciliation ovee the phone and keeping things ok long distance for now and look forward to meeting as soon as it’s safe to. Might be a chance to miss each other and action plan for moving in properly together if that’s what you both want but I can see why it might just stay the same🤷‍♀️

It seems to me that he want to stay near to his DC. Pretty reasonable imo, but no he can't bend rules to suit him.

When he stays with you 6 nights a week how does that work with regards to him paying his way?

He pays nothing 🙈 we keep separate finances.

He pays nothing 🙈 we keep separate finances.

BINGO - and THAT's why he doesn't "officially" want to move in with you.

Got yourself a grade A cocklodger there.

If you truly meant it when you ended it, rather than just throwing your toys out of the pram in the hope he'd come running, why do you care about any of this?

You sound rather childish to be honest. And yes, like a PP said, annoyed that your partner didn't want to move in to make your life and your responsibilities easier for you. So I'd suggest sucking it up and getting on with things being more difficult than normal, just like the rest of us have to.

Actually it would have made more sense to move to his for the duration but that depends on how the children are with the relationship, obviously not going to work now.

Yeah I agree - I would have but he stays in a one bed flat smaller than mine! When his child stays he sleeps on the sofa.

There is actually far more room here for them both than there is in his house.

When his child stays with us at the weekend he has his own bed. He has his xbox etc set up in our bedroom and we sleep on the sofa bed.

Or sometimes the kids will have a sleepover type thing on the sofabed.

So there is room here for both of them.

Right now his children should be his priority and it sounds like they are. Having him move into a small flat with you and two children with all the adjustments that needs would be difficult at the best of times, doing it in a lockdown is ridiculous.

You sound rather childish to be honest. And yes, like a PP said, annoyed that your partner didn't want to move in to make your life and your responsibilities easier for you. So I'd suggest sucking it up and getting on with things being more difficult than normal, just like the rest of us have to.

Wow... okay.

I kinda thought that was the point in having a partner 😂 we both help each other out. Yes he'd be here for support, but I'd be here to support him, too.

It just seems like a time when you want to be close to your loved ones...

And I was sucking it up. I've been getting on with it for weeks now. He got in contact with me and asked me if we could compromise (by breaking the rules).

Right now his children should be his priority and it sounds like they are. Having him move into a small flat with you and two children with all the adjustments that needs would be difficult at the best of times, doing it in a lockdown is ridiculous.

Maybe I've made things a bit muddied in my original post.

His "normal" is being here 5 - 6 nights a week.

He usually brings a weeks worth of clothes in his car.

So essentially there is no real adjustment.

It was a bigger adjustment for us with him deciding not to be here.

Hence why I ended things.

You sound manipulative and childish. It's really hard for everyone right now particularly the keyworkers and you threw a diva strop to try to get him to do what you wanted him to do?

Didn't work did it. You don't have choice right now but to cope op.

And no he can't swan to and from his and yours.

Your description of how the lockdown is affecting you is sad. It's a shit situation for us all but one that can't be helped. The whole country and probably the world feels the same.

I disagree with the previous poster calling him a cocklodger, if he was one he would have moved in long ago and lived for free as long as he could.
He's maintaining his own property and doesn't have room for OP to live with him or stay over so he goes to her because it's the only way they can see each other.
They both made the decision to live in their separate properties. He does all the travelling to see you and is a shift worker which is hard work.
I don't think your reasons for ending things are logical but that's my opinion.
I personally think you are only going to agree with the posters who say what you want to hear.

I disagree with the previous poster calling him a cocklodger

He lives there 6 nights a week and doesn't financially contribute. He's the very definition of a cocklodger.

It doesn't really sound like the relationship. you really want OP. Coronavirus was just the trigger for you to end things. From what you've written you absorb the cost of him (and his son?) staying with you 6 days a week, he comes and goes as he pleases, offers little in the way of emotional support during hard times. Find someone who can offer you what you actually want from a relationship.

So he normally spends 5-6 nights a week with you but doesn’t make any financial contribution? Yeah that’s not good.

I think you have to separate out the lockdown issue from the other issues. On the specific lockdown issue, no he is not being unreasonable - he has to pick one place or the other and he needs to be near his kid understandably.

On the wider issue of your relationship, if you want him to move in with you officially then just say so.

I get what you are saying and agree with others he sounds selfish and potentially a cocklodger. He lives with you 6 nights a week. The bills will be higher because of it. Doesn’t he even contribute to food?