Bending the rules...

[NamechangeRona]

Name changed as pretty outing.

Any input welcome. I was sure I'm not being unreasonable but now doubting myself?

Background:

DP & I have been together 4 years. We don't live together - there have been times when he's stayed 2 nights a week and times when it's been 6 nights.

He has one child and I have two. His house is an hour away.

The reason we've never bought a house together is because he wants to live an hour away (close to his child) and I want to live here (close to my support network). I go through phases of being okay with this and then sometimes wishing I had a normal relationship with a proper blended family.

The issue:

When lockdown happened I just assumed he'd move in here for the duration. It's not ideal - small flat, I'm still trying to wfh and homeschool, he's a keyworker on shifts. But nothing is ideal about this, right? We're all suffering. None of us are in the high risk category.

He didn't want to. Fair enough 🤷🏻‍♀️ I ended things there and then. Before the lockdown happened we'd already not seen each other for over a week because he was working away. He didn't want to come here that weekend as said he hadn't been social distancing (it was a course, lots of people in a classroom) I was fine with this but he still went to pick up his son.

I'm really struggling with my mental health. I don't have a garden, two children and a large dog who is used to lots of exercise, and I'm self employed so if I can't work I don't get paid. I'm very close with my family (I see my grandma every day usually). It's really difficult. I thought we could have at least supported each other through this horrible time, but it felt like he just wanted to live himself (less stressful for him). He didn't say that - but that's how I took it.

So I ended things.

Now he's saying it's no problem for him to come through some nights and split his time between both houses like he normally does.

I'm trying to explain to him it's against the rules. It's written CLEARLY in the legislation that you cannot do this. You either move in - or you don't see each other.

He says that there is no more risk if he stays in an empty house for a couple of nights.

I asked what he'd say if he was stopped by the police (HE IS A POLICE OFFICER!!!!!) and he said police officers will apply common sense. It's just guidelines. He's not putting anyone extra at risk.

To me this just seems like he's trying to preserve his "escape". He wants to see me, and the kids, but wants to have time to himself to get away and go back to just looking after himself.

I just can't help feeling like he's being selfish. Why can't we both muck in and pull through this together? Surely that's what a relationship is FOR?

So... please help. Who is being unreasonable?

Was I right to end it? We have a pretty good relationship. No real arguments or issues. Now I'm questioning throwing a decent relationship away over "guidelines" when apparently you're allowed to use common sense? Am I over reacting?

@wickedlypetite my response was based on her original post where she said he sometimes comes 2 nights a week, she changed that in a post that I didn't see until I had finished my post.
OP is drip feeding information 🙄

OP states very clearly in her first post that there are times he stays 6 nights a week.

Cocklodger.

Having read it through properly he usually stays 5-6 nights per week and contributes nothing financially.

You really wanted him to move in with you for mutual support and he doesn't want to and would rather not see you at all than do that.

I would feel very hurt and very used...

Did he even pull his weight practically when he pretty much lived with you?

He does sound like a cock lodger that wants to maintain the best of both worlds...

And she also says there are times when it's been 2 nights.
I'm assuming it depends on his shifts and when he has his child.
It's not like he's not paying anything he's paying for all the petrol back and forth.
Yeah he should contribute towards food I don't disagree with that.

It's just guidelines. He's not putting anyone extra at risk

So the advice to stay at home, do not mix households is for everyone else but him? The advice was move in with each other for the duration or stay apart.

It feels like he wants to have his cake and eat it - hence why I finished things

It does come across like that tbh.

I know you are struggling, we all are, but he can’t just pop back for a night or two.

Sorry it wasn't meant to be a drip feed! He actually works in my city (ten minutes away from my house) so when he doesn't have his son he is here straight from work, and sometimes when he has his son he brings him here too (the kids get on well together - we go on holidays abroad and he spends the holidays here for childcare etc if child's mum is working).

I said "there's been times when it's 2 nights and times when it's 6" just to show there is no set schedule. The 2 nights are usually when he has a longer spell off work and wants to pick his child up from school (not that often).

Generally the norm is he's here more than he isn't (because he works so close).

I didn't want to make the original post HUGE and give our whole life stories but when people started saying I sounded manipulative and childish etc it seemed more relevant to the situation.

The not paying / contributing has never been much of an issue. I earn 3 x what he does, so it's not like I need the money. (Well - I did before Coronavirus hit - who knows if that will continue!)

You really wanted him to move in with you for mutual support and he doesn't want to and would rather not see you at all than do that.

I would feel very hurt and very used...

Did he even pull his weight practically when he pretty much lived with you?

We pretty much do our own thing. He will cook his own dinner while I have dinner with the kids. He takes his washing home because he doesn't like my tumble dryer (I have offered!!). I do teeth / bedtime routine while he walks our shared dog.

I'm more than used to it.

I'm a single parent - it's my responsibility.

I genuinely wasn't doing this to try to get out of my responsibilities. I thought we could help each other. He'd be around for adult company, he can go to the shops freely (or watch the kids).. I could stick a washing on for him or have his dinner ready if he's working late.

Just normal things that people in normal relationships do without saying. But even more so with the current climate. I know his job will be stressful - mine is too! Especially with being self employed and having no idea what my income will look like in 6 months time. So yeah I thought we could both just pitch in. Also a bit of normality for everyone.

I probably did spit the dummy out a wee bit. Maybe that's childish as some pps have said. I don't know (hence why I'm asking). I just felt really hurt. Like I'm good enough while things are good but as soon as things get a little tough he's bolting back to his bachelor life. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree op it does seem like he prefers his bachelor life compared to things being tough together.

But if we're not supposed to be mixing households, if he came to live at yours for the duration of the lockdown that would mean he might not be able to see his DS for several weeks?

And if he's a police officer he'd be more likely to bring the virus into your home?

I'm good enough while things are good but as soon as things get a little tough he's bolting back to his bachelor life.

Or we're in a global pandemic and living with you full time would put you all at risk - due to him being a key worker - and could mean he doesn't see his child for months.

Some horrible responses here, OP. Sorry. YANBU. Is he basically just wanting to pop over for an occasional shag? And happy to break the rules to do so?

I think definitely say no to him jumping too and forth. He made his choice and he can stick it out now

Spend the time to re-evaluate the relationship and focus on your little family ❤️

I think if his reason was the safety part of it with him
Being a key worker and exposing you all then it’s good reason .. but him suggesting popping over totally undermines that..so yep can definitely see why you feel like he just wants to have his cake and eat it

I wouldn’t let him
Come now but I’m
Not sure I’d have ended the relationship there and then.. but I’d certainly use the time to be wondering if I want to keep it

Actually he doesn't sound like a cocklodger to me at all. It doesn't sound like he takes the piss. He maintains his own home because he has a child. I'm guessing he goes to OP's house more often than she goes there because it's more convenient for ALL of them - I doubt she would want to travel an hour with her two kids to go and stay at his one bedroom flat so let's not make out he is the one who is insisting on sponging off OP. I think you've made a very hasty decision on one hand to finish with him because he didn't give you your own way. On the other hand, if you loved him enough you wouldn't have even thought about finishing with him over this. You say that you could support him as well as him supporting you but it sounds like he doesn't need the support you are offering (putting a wash on, cooking his supper, etc) but you sound like you rather need his support. It reads a little bit like you've made a threat and it's backfired but you now have to follow through with it.

yanbu

I dint think I would want to move into a small apartment with no garden, 2 kids a dog and an anxious partner tbh.

It sounds as if you didn’t talk it through between you.
He probably said ‘no’ to moving in because he already had it in his head that he would still see you.

You wanted him to do all or nothing.

Actually, if he is socially distancing when he is at his flat, and only seeing his Ds, he isn’t axing any risk to the situation so on a ‘common sense’ rather than ‘rules’ basis he was not being more unreasonable than you.

But if it is observing the rules that bothers you, not allowing him to go back and forth from isolation to you, then the safest thing to happen is that he stays away from you and your kids!

You say you worry more about your MH than catching it, so why so concerned about the rules?

It sounds as if you wanted to use the situation to get him to move in, and he didn’t want that. For whatever reason.

He does a stressful job, if he does move in maybe he wants it to be in a bigger place.

It is fully reasonable, too, for him to want to continue occasional 121 time with his child.

I would probably have done the same as you, OP. How people behave when things are tough is how they really are. Makes me think that if you were diagnosed with something nasty, or lost your job, he wouldn’t be there for you either.

Would you have been happy for his dc to come and go to your place?

I don’t think you should have just assumed he would move in with you.

I also think it’s odd that you assume your relationship couldn’t survive several months of not seeing each other. After 4 years, if your relationship is that fragile, it’s not strong enough to be moving in together.

It’s true that one of the great things about having a boyfriend is the support you can give each other - but honestly, your post was all about the support you want from him, it didn’t sound very mutual.

His place should be near his son.