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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL’s Ashes in Garage for 8 Years

51 replies

Runninglaura · 06/04/2020 13:01

While preparing to move house January 2019, I cleared out our garage and came on a carrier bag with plastic container inside. To my horror it was my MIL’s ashes, she died 2012.
I spoke to DH and he said he would sort it out.
Here we are, new home, different city, and ashes are with us in the garage. I’ve again asked DH to deal with this, but he does nothing.
MIL was not a nice or good person, that aside I really am not comfortable with any of this, but not sure what to do. It’s his mother, not mine. Help!

OP posts:
wowfudge · 06/04/2020 13:03

If they are not inconveniencing anyone I'd just leave them.

TheQueef · 06/04/2020 13:05

She doesn't eat much leave him deal with her when he's ready.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 06/04/2020 13:05

Could you suggest that when lock-down is over you both go somewhere to scatter them? It doesn't gage to be somewhere special to DH, just somewhere nice. Did she have a favourite town or seaside town or even park?

My "D"M isn't particularly nice either and I wouldn't be comfortable with her ashes hanging around either.

Hingeandbracket · 06/04/2020 13:06

What do you want to happen OP?

inflam · 06/04/2020 13:07

I’ve again asked DH to deal with this, but he does nothing.

What do you mean by 'deal with'?

Maybe he just wants to leave them where they are

slipperywhensparticus · 06/04/2020 13:07

A long as the mice or rats dont get in I would leave her there

Thehop · 06/04/2020 13:08

What do you want him to do? Just leave her, it’s his mum!

Redcrayons · 06/04/2020 13:09

Your DH wants to keep his mothers ashes.

Not sure what your problem is tbh.

Original poster
Runninglaura · 06/04/2020 13:11

@Hingeandbracket I’d like the ashes scattered somewhere. Husband agrees totally, but then does nothing.

OP posts:
ChainsawBear · 06/04/2020 13:12

I don't think you do anything..? If he wants to keep the ashes, you keep the ashes. Whether you liked her or not, she was his mother. She's not spying on you or eating your food or giving you disapproving looks. You WBU in the extreme if you required your DH to dispose of his mother's ashes when he doesn't want to because you don't like the idea.

raspberryk · 06/04/2020 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 06/04/2020 13:14

Does he have any idea where she might like to be scattered? If not, can you suggest anywhere and agree to do it with him at some point?

We had my FiL’s ashes on a shelf in the house for a lot longer than your MiL’s! He’s been scattered in the right place now, but dh and his brother took ages to get around to it (in the sea miles away) - dh kept saying he thought FIL was perfectly happy where he was. (He was always happy in our house.)

I’ve had my DM’s ashes on the same shelf since 2015. Would happily scatter them but siblings can’t agree on where to put her with DF, who died long before her. Brother has DF’s ashes - I did ask a while ago whether he’d still got them and he said, ‘Well, I’ve got something that could be him, or it could be the scrapings out of the wood burner...’.
😱😂

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 06/04/2020 13:16

My DSis MIL has been under their kitchen sink since 2007!

PaulinePetrovaPosey · 06/04/2020 13:19

My granny was in the wardrobe for nearly 20 years before the time felt right.

pleasepleasepleasehelp · 06/04/2020 13:21

Odd place to keep them! At least get a little corner or shelf in the house. In the garage? How disrespectful!

WarmSausageTea · 06/04/2020 13:22

To your horror? It's not like it's her rotting corpse in the garage it's her ashes ffs.

Why ffs? I’d be pretty horrified if I found someone’s mortal remains discarded and forgotten in a garage, in as much as they should have been scattered, or kept somewhere a bit more suitable than a (probably) dusty garage. And it’s a figure of speech, let’s not get carried away with our disapproval.

That said, OP, if your husband won’t do anything, I think you have to leave them where they are and let him get on with it, or not.

Maybe drop the subject for now, and when the lockdown is over, maybe suggest taking a trip out on a warm day to get it finally done.

Original poster
Runninglaura · 06/04/2020 13:28

@pleasepleasepleasehelp, I totally agree, it is a strange place. My MIL herself would be outraged, and I am certain my husband knows that.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/04/2020 13:30

For whatever reason your dh isn’t ready to deal with them. This is his mother regardless of the relationship they had. Let it go. They’re hardly taking up a lot of space and for all you know he could find your comments as upsetting as if she was being horrible to him.

Have you actually either lost a parent or had a parent, who was horrible to you?

SweetestThing · 06/04/2020 13:31

My dad was in the airing cupboard for 23 years before my brothers and I scattered his ashes, along with my mum's, who had recently died.

We kept them separate and scattered them in two different places. They'd have hated being united in death, as they were not, shall we say, a dream marriage :)

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/04/2020 13:32

Cross post. My MIL herself would be outraged, and I’m certain my husband knows that Maybe that’s why he’s happy they’re there?

user1465335180 · 06/04/2020 13:33

I've got 4 sets of ashes in the back bedroom but at least they're somewhere nice. I will get around to scattering them one day but not just yet for obvious reasons

autumnmum · 06/04/2020 13:38

My gran was on my parents mantlepiece for about 20 years. It started as a bit of a joke but we quite liked her being there so she stayed put. We used to tie a ribbon round her at Christmas. It did freak some people out if they asked what it was - but to be honest we liked seeing how shocked some people were 😂. We scattered her when my dad (her son) died.

Original poster
Runninglaura · 06/04/2020 13:40

@Mummyoflittledragon both my parents are dead. They divorced years ago, and hated each other with a vengeance right to the end. They both hated that I maintained a relationship with the other.

OP posts:
astropoodle · 06/04/2020 13:45

Scattering the ashes is very final and can feel like you don't have any of that person with you any more. It's not always easy to take that final step of saying goodbye for the last time. Go easy on him.

Permanantlypuzzled · 06/04/2020 13:47

Take them in the house and use them as a door stop.
Might jog his memory when he wants the door closed.