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Original poster

MIL’s Ashes in Garage for 8 Years

51 replies

Runninglaura · 06/04/2020 13:01

While preparing to move house January 2019, I cleared out our garage and came on a carrier bag with plastic container inside. To my horror it was my MIL’s ashes, she died 2012.
I spoke to DH and he said he would sort it out.
Here we are, new home, different city, and ashes are with us in the garage. I’ve again asked DH to deal with this, but he does nothing.
MIL was not a nice or good person, that aside I really am not comfortable with any of this, but not sure what to do. It’s his mother, not mine. Help!

OP posts:
Lockheart · 06/04/2020 13:49

It's just a jar of ash, it can't hurt you. It wouldn't bother me. However my POV may be skewed by the years I spent as an archaeologist and hanging around with various human remains!

I agree it would be best to scatter her ashes out of respect, but it's really up to your DH.

ultrablue · 06/04/2020 13:55

How did you not know that they were there though? Surely you would have known that they hadn't been scattered buried etc?

Original poster
Runninglaura · 06/04/2020 13:56

Thanks everyone. I am treading warily with DH, I’ve only raised the issue of the ashes with him twice, I realise he has a conflicting set of emotions about his mother.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/04/2020 13:56

Sorry you’ve lost both your parents. I imagine you’ve got a fair amount of perspective on this. I’d leave it for now and maybe ask him if he’s ok that his mother would be outrages when things in the world have settled and you’re able to sort scattering them.

Cherrysoup · 06/04/2020 14:06

My dad and my DH’s dad’s ashes are both in the study. I’m debating splitting my dad’s ashes to be scattered in several places. My fil’s ashes will probably be scattered with mil’s when she goes. It freaked me out a little but now I just say hi in passing.

CMOTDibbler · 06/04/2020 14:11

My grandad was in his plastic tub in my parents porch for way longer than that. Wasn't an issue, though I do intend to scatter dad a bit quicker, but won't have a choice for the next few months

amusedbush · 06/04/2020 14:11

My MIL's ashes have been in a cupboard for four years. I don't see what the issue is.

Fallstar · 06/04/2020 14:17

I scattered some of my dad's ashes but the rest have been in the bottom of my wardrobe for years. I don't find it an issue and the rest of the family have probably forgotten they're there. My dad won't know or care...

1forAll74 · 06/04/2020 14:29

I know someone.who put their Fathers ashes at the bottom of a large pot garden shrub container, before the compost was put in,and a new shrub was planted in it. The Father had been a great gardener, and the family said that the shrub would grow strong and healthy with the mans ashes added to it.

Heartburn888 · 06/04/2020 14:31

I understand what you are saying op, I wouldn’t want to be kept in my sons garage for 8 years in form of an urn. But she was his mother and if he doesn’t feel ready to scatter or ‘get rid’ then I don’t think he should be pushed or pressured into it.

You can get them bio-urns now and can be planted, my grandad had one and is now planted in my grandmas back garden and it’s nice to know that he is still at home where. Possible suggestion?

BarbaraofSeville · 06/04/2020 14:33

Let him scatter them when he's ready, if he even wants to. He might like having them around. Stop seeing dealing with the ashes as a job to be ticked off a to do list. They're in the garage, it's not like they're getting in anyone's way.

We have some of FIL in our garage (some were scattered and some shared out amongst MIL, DP and siblings) and they're going nowhere.

DP talks to him when he's pottering in there as they remind him of times growing up, fixing cars together etc.

TeaLibrary · 06/04/2020 14:39

It's a bit of a difficult one OP. Did your husband have any relationship with his mum. Were they estranged? He is obviously either not ready or not willing to scatter her ashes. Its s really sensitive subject and it might be an idea to tread really carefully around his undoubtedly conflicted feelings. Is he still mourning for her of mourning for the relationship that they didn't have?

DemelzaRobins · 06/04/2020 14:58

My sister's ashes are on my parents side board. Her ashes were split between my parents, my sister's mother and her husband.

I find it uncomfortable - I'd rather my sister was in one place, either scattered together, or buried somewhere. I've made DH well aware that if I die before him I want my ashes to be buried. My sister died young and suddenly and no-one knows what she would have wanted to happen Sad

At one point there was a plan to bring her ashes to my wedding, but I put my foot down on that one!

OP it's up to your DH, but I wouldn't like it either. A garage feels disrespectful somehow. However, we all grieve differently.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 06/04/2020 15:02

Its ashes, mostly coffin etc, not big bones. She is dead why would she care? To your horror made me smile. Now if it were a skull you might have cause.....

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 06/04/2020 15:03

Some people keep them forever on the mantlepiece

WikkiTikkiWoo · 06/04/2020 15:38

My FIL is in a carrier bag under the stairs. My husband had a complicated relationship with him. We will scatter him one day, but I know that it's something my husband still feels uncomfortable about. So FIL will continue to live under the stairs until such a time my husband wants to do something. It is his choice.

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 06/04/2020 15:53

My DM is in my wardrobe, next to DD2. Might scatter them, might not. I wouldn’t worry, OP. He’ll do it when he’s ready. Or not.

PigletJohn · 06/04/2020 20:51

I put my mum's ashes in her garden, buried at the foot of a rosebush.

You could suggest that.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 07/04/2020 01:09

Now is not the time for a bit of Marie Kondo, even if MILs ashes don't spark joy

LilacTree1 · 07/04/2020 01:10

He probably really wants to keep them.

Shmithecat2 · 07/04/2020 01:18

My DM has my DGM's (her exMIL technically, DGM died whilst my parents were going through a divorce) ashes in her house. DGM died in 1998. One of my cats died a year ago, and his ashes now keep my DGM company. It's nice having them around tbh. Leave your DH to it.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 07/04/2020 01:21

Part of DH is on top of the bookcase in my bedroom, where I can see him and talk to him. Most of him is surfing in the Atlantic but I wanted part of him near me. Ashes are very emotive. I didn't collect him from the undertakers for 8 months because I wasn't ready. If your DH says he wants to scatter them but doesn't do it, his actions are telling you he is just trying to placate you by saying he will do it. Leave him be.

echt · 07/04/2020 04:46

My DH's ashes are in the walk-in wardrobe, nicely tied up in a pretty length of cloth, for nearly four years. As noted upthread, disposing of them seems so final. At various times DD and I have dipped in to scatter some at a favourite musical festival site, the dog's grave, DD's own memorial. And so it goes.

We'll get there eventually.

Not sure why the OP's MIL not being nice is relevant, what matters is how the DH feels. He plainly isn't ready to commit to anything so the kindest thing to do might be to suggest an attractive, appropriate decorating and placement of the ashes. This might spur him to a more permanent placing, but in the meantime honours the dead.

Here's a delightful article about these conundrums Smile:

www.theguardian.com/society/2020/mar/21/ashes-on-mantelpiece

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 07/04/2020 04:49

I thought you weren't meant to scatter ashes any more as it's bad for the environment? Certainly not at sea.

echt · 07/04/2020 04:57

I thought you weren't meant to scatter ashes any more as it's bad for the environment? Certainly not at sea

Not so. It varies from place to place:

beyond.life/help-centre/arranging-a-funeral/laws-regulations-on-scattering-ashes-in-the-uk/

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