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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To think messing up honeymoon was stupid and not cute or funny?

111 replies

LuluNamechangeForHelp · 05/04/2020 23:44

I was born outside the EU. I have been on several visas and eventually became a permanent resident of the UK.

My fiance knew I had always wanted to visit Berlin. (Long story). He knew one of the hurdles was the time and faff of getting a Schengen visa. A day off work to go to the embassy, travel to the embassy for photos, fingerprints, get bank statements, letters from work etc. You have to show you have booked your return flight and accommodation and that you have enough money in your bank account (not credit card lol) to fund the trip. That's before even saving up for it etc.

Fiance and I are both from immigrant communities and know the difficulty involved in getting visas for travel but he is a British citizen as they changed the rules after he was born. At the time, if you were born here to parents legally present in the country you automatically became a British citizen.

Anyway for honeymoon we had agreed to stay home as we were saving money for a house.

The day after the wedding he said 'surprise! We are going to Berlin!'

No. Because I don't have a fucking visa for Germany.
No, it's ok. You're British now because we got married yesterday.
Hmm
That's not how it works. You still need a visa. It's just a different type (spouse of EU national: Form XYZ 23)

So we lost the cost of the flights, hotel everything and were only able to afford a holiday several years later.

We called the embassy and tried for an emergency appointment, honeymoon etc. No luck. Even the flight and hotel bookings he had done were fixed and couldn't be changed and insurance would not cover for 'your own stupid for fault.' First day of married life = Begging call centre people to bend the rules just this once please and (naturally) getting no's.

I don't even know how he booked the plane tickets because you have to click 'what visa do you have' if the passport number is not a British passport.

I guess he had been reading too much daily mail. I'm still not a British citizen many years later.

At the time I was in tears. Then I just tried to have a stiff upper lip about it when it was clear all the money was lost. I was like 'never mind, you made a mistake.'

Over the years he has told the story like it's a cute funny story.

I think it either shows you are a complete moron and that you had not been listening me for years about difficulty travelling.

Or that it was a mistake at the time but to tell it as a funny story is hurtful.

I did go to Berlin in the end years later. But it left a bitter taste in my mouth because it was meant to have been my honeymoon.

Aibu to think it is not a funny story.

OP posts:
Intelinside57 · 06/04/2020 10:07

Jeez... why are the stupid people questioning what Op is saying? She went through this, she knows what happened and has explained why multiple times.
Op, I understand where you are coming from. If this was a story that you both enjoyed as an amusing anecdote then it would be fine. It isn't and your husband knows that because you've told him that it upsets you when he tells it. You've told him multiple times. I think if he respected you as someone who loves you should he wouldn't be carrying on telling it.

SarahAndQuack · 06/04/2020 10:11

YY, @ThumbWitchesAbroad.

There's a huge difference between you working out how to sort out your own holiday, @SimonJT, and the OP's husband deciding he was smart enough to do it without her knowing, fucking it up, then deciding she wasn't allowed to be upset about it either.

She obviously knows considerably more than you do about the process and obviously knows it wasn't something that could be sorted in time to save their honeymoon, because she tried. She says so in her OP.

I don't understand why the onus is on the OP to 'let it go' or 'forget about it'. Fine, if her husband had also long forgotten about it. But he hasn't, has he? He keeps dragging it up as a funny story she's required to laugh along with. Of course she's not going to forget about it if he won't let it drop either.

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 06/04/2020 10:14

My grandfather had great difficulty getting to Berlin too. That was many years ago too.

ravenmum · 06/04/2020 10:23

One of the funny stories my exh tells is how (the first day he was left in charge of the children alone) he put our daughter (aged 2) on a folding chair then went to change our son's nappy. Then our daughter got her finger caught in the chair and he had to run to help her. And in the meantime our son fell two feet off the changing mat.
When he tells that story, I do think every time what a dick he is. I really don't see how it can be construed as funny, injuring two children through your own stupidity. It always embarrassed me when he told it when we were together, as I assume everyone else who heard it also just thought what a dick I had married.

Your story only involves loss of money, no injury, so there's slightly more potential for amusement. But he's presumably doing the same thing as my exh: the story is "funny" because he's making out that there's no way he could have foreseen what would happen. But of course he could, if he'd simply checked, and the fact that he doesn't/pretends not to see that is embarrassing.

RandomMess · 06/04/2020 10:27

I don't think it's funny because it demonstrated that he hadn't listened to you to the extent he didn't look into the visa requirement.

You've told him you don't find it funny but he doesn't listen.

Is your marriage unhappy because he doesn't actually listen and hear and take on board your thoughts/opinions/needs?

HebeMumsnet · 06/04/2020 10:38

Morning, everyone. We have some worries about this thread. We're just going to take it down while we check a few things out.

milveycrohn · 06/04/2020 10:39

Why have you not aplied for British Citizenship, which I understand you can do if you have 'settled status' (used to be called 'permament leave to remain'), and you have lived in the country for 5 years.

Otherwise we all have these embarrassing/sad/unhappy stories, which over time can be the object of funny stories, though they were definitely not funny at the time

LuluNamechangeForHelp · 07/04/2020 12:45

Why have you not aplied for British Citizenship,

Some countries do not permit dual citizenship.

In some countries if you are not a citizen there are things you cannot do, such as own property.

Also as pps have shown, even if you are married, citizenship is a process that can take many years and tens of thousands of pounds.

For example. If you have a settled status, then leave the UK for 8 months to care for a dying parent abroad your application for citizenship will be denied due to time spent outside the UK. This was with lawyers and appeals. It is easy to be an armchair immigration lawyer but the people who have lived the experiences are not stupid and are not deliberately giving themselves a hard time.

OP posts:
LuluNamechangeForHelp · 07/04/2020 12:52

@milveycrohn
Otherwise we all have these embarrassing/sad/unhappy stories,

Even if I had applied for citizenship, the day of my wedding, before the ink on the marriage certificate was dry, what good would that application have done me the next day at the airport?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/04/2020 02:49

I wonder if he brings it up in the hope of finding some other dickhead to agree with him that it was funny, so he can use it against you and "prove" that you are being unreasonable (you're not).
Has he ever found anyone who thinks it's funny? (It's not)

LorenzoStDubois · 08/04/2020 03:37

I had an ex like this.
He did some stupid expensive shit that I just couldn't get past.
It wasn't a happy relationship either.

I'm much better off without him making stupid mistakes and fucking everything up.

I would be looking at a divorce if I were you.

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