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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To think messing up honeymoon was stupid and not cute or funny?

111 replies

LuluNamechangeForHelp · 05/04/2020 23:44

I was born outside the EU. I have been on several visas and eventually became a permanent resident of the UK.

My fiance knew I had always wanted to visit Berlin. (Long story). He knew one of the hurdles was the time and faff of getting a Schengen visa. A day off work to go to the embassy, travel to the embassy for photos, fingerprints, get bank statements, letters from work etc. You have to show you have booked your return flight and accommodation and that you have enough money in your bank account (not credit card lol) to fund the trip. That's before even saving up for it etc.

Fiance and I are both from immigrant communities and know the difficulty involved in getting visas for travel but he is a British citizen as they changed the rules after he was born. At the time, if you were born here to parents legally present in the country you automatically became a British citizen.

Anyway for honeymoon we had agreed to stay home as we were saving money for a house.

The day after the wedding he said 'surprise! We are going to Berlin!'

No. Because I don't have a fucking visa for Germany.
No, it's ok. You're British now because we got married yesterday.
Hmm
That's not how it works. You still need a visa. It's just a different type (spouse of EU national: Form XYZ 23)

So we lost the cost of the flights, hotel everything and were only able to afford a holiday several years later.

We called the embassy and tried for an emergency appointment, honeymoon etc. No luck. Even the flight and hotel bookings he had done were fixed and couldn't be changed and insurance would not cover for 'your own stupid for fault.' First day of married life = Begging call centre people to bend the rules just this once please and (naturally) getting no's.

I don't even know how he booked the plane tickets because you have to click 'what visa do you have' if the passport number is not a British passport.

I guess he had been reading too much daily mail. I'm still not a British citizen many years later.

At the time I was in tears. Then I just tried to have a stiff upper lip about it when it was clear all the money was lost. I was like 'never mind, you made a mistake.'

Over the years he has told the story like it's a cute funny story.

I think it either shows you are a complete moron and that you had not been listening me for years about difficulty travelling.

Or that it was a mistake at the time but to tell it as a funny story is hurtful.

I did go to Berlin in the end years later. But it left a bitter taste in my mouth because it was meant to have been my honeymoon.

Aibu to think it is not a funny story.

OP posts:
Justsaynonow · 06/04/2020 06:23

@LuluNamechangeForHelp I wouldn't think it was funny, either. I'm glad you finally made it.

Re: During WWII they didn't say, no more cartoons and crosswords in the paper. Serious thoughts only. There's a large display of WWII cartoons in the Compiegne Armistice museum . It surprised me, amongst all the horror.

NotJustACigar · 06/04/2020 06:26

My husband did something incredibly stupid that caused my dog to die in pain. I forgave him quickly because although very stupid it was an accident. If it hasn't been an accident that would be an entirely different story. He's done other stupid things since then but fortunately none so painful and catastrophic. I think I would forgive the honeymoon thing fairly easily because that is what marriage is about.

ShootsFruitAndLeaves · 06/04/2020 06:27

Just to clarify you don't in fact need a visa as spouse of a UK citizen to visit the EU. (At least not until 31 December 2020)

There is a right of travel within the EU, as spouse of an EU national, which you can prove with a UK residence card.

www.gov.uk/apply-for-a-uk-residence-card/eligibility

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 06/04/2020 06:29

It's clear the story makes you feel bad. But why? You had no fault in the story. None of it was down to anything you did. The story tells how he made a mistake, booking loads of things to surprise you for a honeymoon, only to find out it wasn't going to work.

Have you ever made a mistake in the many years of your relationship and marriage? Have you ever not fully understood (or believed) a situation he explained to you?

People aren't perfect, and things happen or go wrong. So long as in the retelling of the story he is not laying the blame on you, them it's not something that should still make you feel so negatively.

But then you say the marriage isn't happy. This is only one incident in a lot of things you dislike about your husband. This is the one thing you can point to that demonstrates you're incompatibility. Can you separate? It might be worth looking in to that. Because you're not suddenly going to find him endearing.

KatherineJaneway · 06/04/2020 06:32

It's not a happy marriage.

And there is the root of your annoyance at the honeymoon fiasco.

Shoxfordian · 06/04/2020 06:33

If you were happily married then you might be more inclined to laugh it off. It sounds like he had good intentions even though he was a bit of a plonker.

There are clearly other issues in your marriage to address though

sanityisamyth · 06/04/2020 06:34

@NotJustACigar but does your husband keep retelling the incident with your dog as a funny story?

I'm really sorry for your loss BTW. Sounds awful 😢

NotJustACigar · 06/04/2020 06:40

No @sanityisamyth I don't think anyone could package that up as a funny story! And thanks for your kind wishes.

The other difference is that our marriage is happy - if it weren't I'd see things very differently for sure.

liaun · 06/04/2020 06:43

Maybe he is attempting to make himself feel better about it by making a joke about it? You should talk to him, he's probably deeply embarrassed but using humour as a cover up

goldenorbspider · 06/04/2020 06:44

Laugh or cry? I'd rather learn to laugh about it. Maybe enough time hasn't passed for you though and that's ok

makingmammaries · 06/04/2020 06:49

He sounds like an arse. Getting naturalized might be an idea, OP.

dellacucina · 06/04/2020 07:16

This is difficult. I see that a lot of people are saying that you should let it go.

You have said that you agreed to save up for a house. To me, it seems very disrespectful and thoughtless to then go and commit that money elsewhere without asking you. (Apparently you couldn't even afford it, as it was necessary to take on credit card debt?)

Personally, under those circumstances I would find it extra difficult to forgive and forget. Even if you did go on the holiday, would you have been ok with his unilateral decision to take on the expense?

I think the loss of the money over the visa stupidity is a red herring, unless that's really the part that makes your blood boil.

All this said, I'm interested to see that many people would be able to put it behind them

crispysausagerolls · 06/04/2020 07:28

Have you not told him how you feel when he brings it up?

Leflic · 06/04/2020 07:47

I think he keeps it as a funny story and you keep it as a stick to beat him with.
Neither of you is wrong. It was so “bad” a honeymoon that it is funny. You lost money you couldn’t afford to which isn’t funny.

I would focus not on the negativity of this marriage but what you want from the future.

plunkplunkfizz · 06/04/2020 07:54

OP I totally understand where you’re coming from. There was an issue with my honeymoon which was entirely someone’s fault, not malicious but more utterly careless and thoughtless. It wasn’t the end of the world but it still rankles.

What keeps the feeling going is that it keeps coming up again and again and for everyone else it’s a bit of fun while for me it really wasn’t. I think if it would stop being raised I would be able to move past it but the fact the thoughtless individual still thinks it’s all very funny and I’m reminded of that every few months just revives it again.

MarginalGain · 06/04/2020 08:00

OP I understand your frustration.

I don't think you're extremely well-matched.

My husband did something incredibly stupid that caused my dog to die in pain.

I"m so sorry. Flowers

suggestionsplease1 · 06/04/2020 08:05

If you've said to him you don't find it funny and that it's hurtful to you to hear it repeated and he ignores that, then that is a problem.

Have you been clear with him on that? If you've not spoken about it clearly then the onus is on you to do that.

If you have spoken about it clearly then he should respect how you feel and not keep bringing it up.

gingersausage · 06/04/2020 08:19

Just bear in mind OP that no-one he tells it to thinks he’s cute or funny. They might laugh politely, but they’re actually thinking “what a muppet” and rolling their eyes inwardly because it’s the 50th time they’ve heard the story Wink.

heartsonacake · 06/04/2020 08:22

YABU. It was years ago and it was an honest mistake.

He’s right; you are being oversensitive. You can’t hold him to this after so many years; deal with it and move on.

TestBank · 06/04/2020 08:28

I have a similar story (it's a different topic but was something very hurtful that made me sad and was spun into jolly japes for the retelling)

I eventually left him and am so much happier. Of course not because of that one incident but I couldn't forget it (partly because he kept retelling it of course) and it stuck because it so perfectly symbolised who he was and how little he cared about my feelings.

I should have left a long time before I actually did. The fear of leaving is far worse than the reality.

zigaziga · 06/04/2020 08:30

Voted YABU on reading the Op because it’s a long time a go and I think I would find it funny now ... but will change my vote based on
It's not a happy marriage. He knows how I feel but I wonder if I am being unreasonable not to find it funny. which changes everything

SimonJT · 06/04/2020 08:35

Er, if you’re married to an EU citizen then you don’t need a visa to travel in the EU. You don’t need one if you’re unmarried but in a longterm relationship with an EU national.

I only recently gained British citizenship, but as my ex was British I could travel freely in the EU without a visa.

They last five years and cost around £60.

When I was not a British citizen I was never asked additional questions etc when booking flights online, even when I didn’t have a residency card.

If your honeymoon was in or after 2004 you cancelled it for no reason.

londonrach · 06/04/2020 08:37

It sounds like the story isnt the issue but the marriage. Are you happy. The none trip to berlin was years ago so let it go and ignore any retelling. How you feel about your husband

GenXer · 06/04/2020 08:39

YANBU

It's an example of not being listened to, or having the breadth of your knowledge minimised, which are both incredibly frustrating. You knew a trip to Berlin wouldn't be simple to organise and advised him, yet he went ahead and booked it, potentially lying on the forms about your Visa status. Whilst it was a kind gesture on his part it was also extremely stupid, as newlyweds you lost a significant amount of money due to this and instead of enjoying those first few days together he was on the phone trying to get refunds. He could have avoided the upset and frustration by listening to you.

I'm speculating there may be many more similar instances peppered throughout your marriage where he has not listened to you and you do need to come to terms with that and why he is like this.

Good luck OP Thanks

lynzpynz · 06/04/2020 08:51

If DH is telling the story in a manner which portrays him as a daft blundering DH and laughing at himself many years later I'd laugh along and agree! I'd try to remember the good intentions behind his surprise... rather than the idiocy behind the lack of common sense around the practicalities.

If he's telling it as a poor us, don't know how this happened I'd definately have a word with him afterwards to stop rewriting history as you felt infuriated at the time as it was his lack of listening skills which caused the situation (and your joint loss of a not insubstantial amount of money) and could he please be more sensitive when raising the issue in future in that manner.