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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask them to keep the house tidy??

35 replies

youngmumx · 05/04/2020 22:21

I'm 21 and have a son. I live with my son & boyfriend, we both lived with parents when we conceived our son, so we have worked hard to find a comfortable home. Me and my boyfriend are frontline workers, so we still have to work throughout the pandemic.

About 3 months ago, a friend reached out to me after being kicked out of her family home. Me and my partner took her in until she could save up and find a flat/house. She looks after my DS whilst me and my partner are working. She currently isn't paying us board to live here.

When I finish work at 4pm, I come home to the curtains closed in the living room, my friend laying on the sofa watching movies and my DS crawling around with food wrappers in his hands. The house is untidy with plates she has used and food wrappings left on the coffee table.

I did mention this to her, however she just rolled her eyes and walked away from me. I have asked her almost daily to please tidy her mess and to keep the curtains open throughout the day, however nothing is changing.

AIBU asking her to do this? Her reaction to me asking her to clean her mess and open the curtains made me feel like I was being over dramatic over the situation. I don't want to lose my friend however this is my house where my DS lives and I don't want it to be untidy with things laying around that he could choke on etc or cause arguments between me and my partner over my friend.

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 05/04/2020 22:27

Mmm. I wonder why she was kicked out of the family home?

Thatbloodybear · 05/04/2020 22:31

Of course you're not being unreasonable wanting her to keep the place tidy.
Is she working? How much child care is she doing for you?

iCorona · 05/04/2020 22:32

I think if you were demanding a spotless house YABU. Opening the curtains seems like a basic thing. How often does she look after you DS do you pay her?

Original poster
youngmumx · 05/04/2020 22:38

@iCorona

Definitely not spotless! I think your house will never be spotless with a little one crawling around the place! Just the basic things such as moving her plates/wrappers, washing the plates she has used and having the curtains opened.

She looks after him on Monday-Thursday as me and my partner work both those days and then he is off work Friday-Saturday and I have Saturday-Sunday off.

We agreed not to pay her as of yet, as she isn't paying board to live here and we are paying for her food/toiletries. She was in agreement of this, it wasn't done behind her back

OP posts:
Original poster
youngmumx · 05/04/2020 22:39

@Thatbloodybear

She's currently unemployed. She looks after DS Monday-Thursday, 8am-4pm until I'm home from work

OP posts:
Thehop · 05/04/2020 22:40

Tough one. I’d normally say boot her out but you need her for childcare? Can you afford to stagger your shifts so you so half a week each and don’t need her?

boli · 05/04/2020 22:42

Get rid of the parasite

Palavah · 05/04/2020 22:44

You're basically asking her to be an au pair so you might want to check those boards to see what is a fair arrangement, but it's certainly not unreasonable to want the house to be basically safe and tidy for your child.

Feedingthebirds1 · 05/04/2020 22:45

I'll give you three guesses - why exactly do you think she was thrown out of the family home?

Tell her she has until the end of this week to find somewhere else and use the childcare available to key workers for DS. It sounds like he'll be better looked after there anyway.

Blueswede · 05/04/2020 22:45

Bloody hell. She’s being a cheeky so and so. I’d have flipped my lid with her reaction! She gets to live for free and earns her keep looking after your child - laying on the sofa watching telly is hardly looking after him! First off she should be doing activities with him, playing, something!
Secondly - I would be MORTIFIED if I didn’t clean up after myself at a friends house. Mortified. How does she live with herself?
Be frank with her. Say you value her as a friend but you expect her to show respect and to tidy up after herself. At the very least, in order to co habit peacefully, adults must take responsibility for their own mess unless prior agreement means everyone has their own “zones” to tidy.

NewNameGuy · 05/04/2020 22:47

I wouldn't want this useless slob looking after my kid if I had any other choice.
I doubt this can be saved; arrange other childcare and ask her to leave

TeeniefaeTroon · 05/04/2020 22:48

Never mind the mess, is your child safe with her?

Original poster
youngmumx · 05/04/2020 22:52

@Blueswede

It's feels like such a big thing when in reality, clearing her stuff away and opening the curtains is such a small thing compared to everything going off!

I mentioned to her maybe a week ago that for her to be able to live here without any problems, we all had to respect eachother and our boundaries as I'm sure she probably has boundaries that would cause her upset if we ignored them.

My partner's mum suggested we fill out a board of "house rules" in a way for us all to follow and respect

OP posts:
Original poster
youngmumx · 05/04/2020 22:55

@TeeniefaeTroon

That's my main concern. It's the food wrappers that scare me when I walk in the house. He's just over 1 year old so anything he sees which looks new and interesting, he'll pick up and try to shove in his mouth as babies do! I've suggested her leaving a carrier bag behind the sofa where he can't get to, to put her wrappers in the bag instead of on the floor or coffee table

OP posts:
Iamtryingtobenicehere · 05/04/2020 22:56

It’s your house, what’s so difficult in telling her “respect my home or get out”?
You’ve given her options, she’s taking the Mickey.

I couldn’t live like that, you must give her notice, she really is disrespectful of you and your home.

Foldinglaundryisnotforme · 05/04/2020 23:00

She isn't looking after your child efficiently at all. She's present in the house and probably doing the minimum of feeds and nappy changes but that poor baby will be spending all day unstimulated and bored and crawling around in a dark room.

Original poster
youngmumx · 05/04/2020 23:01

@Iamtryingtobenicehere

I'm a very "I don't want any confrontation or arguments or to upset someone" type person so I've tried to mention it nicely without getting snappy.

My partner on the other hand is the opposite and is spending alot of time in our bedroom away from it all as he says what's on his mind, when it's on his mind so I do believe he will snap at any moment with her.

But, as my mum has said to me, sometimes being nice let's people walk all over you & I think that's what I'm realising is happening and I'll always put my family first and my DS's safety

OP posts:
lalafafa · 05/04/2020 23:13

If she’s that lazy what the hell is she doing with your poor child all day? You need to kick her out and sort other childcare. Poor child.

locomoco19 · 05/04/2020 23:20

A

Feedingthebirds1 · 05/04/2020 23:25

Your home should be your safe space - physically AND mentally.

Yes it's a small thing in terms of a pandemic, but that doesn't mean it's small in your life and you don't have to think of it in those terms.

If you won't make her leave for yourself, pull up your big girl pants and do it for your DS. (Or let your DP go nuclear.) This isn't a good or safe environment for him, crawling around in the half light with heaven knows what in his mouth.

She can roll her eyes all she likes. You've worked hard with DP for the home you have - don't let her drive a wedge between the two of you.

iCorona · 05/04/2020 23:59

If she works for you 32 hours a week and you don’t pay her above board and bills I think you are not treating her fairly. She certainly isn’t a parasite.

That’s a separate issue really though. No matter the money she should be opening curtains, keeping your baby safe and respecting your house.

EmiliaAirheart · 06/04/2020 00:01

You need to pay for proper childcare for your son and get this woman out. I can’t believe you’re questioning yourself here. He’s not being well cared for at all, to say nothing of your house. You’re his mum - step the hell up and sort this out.

shittingmysel · 06/04/2020 00:12

She'll never leave unemployed doesn't do anything but keep an eye on your child obviously not to a level of care you are happy with. And you're not paying her so she has no motivation or money I presume to leave. She's got her feet right under the table.

Fromthebirdsnest · 06/04/2020 00:16

With the house being a mess i was coming on to say stick it in the fuck it bucket , but she's not paying board she's clearly not supervising your child properly .. Have serious words , eye rolling infuriates me how old is she ? Sounds like a young teen but surely she can't be ??

MorganKitten · 06/04/2020 01:55

Put the dirty things and rubbish in her room