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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask EX for child maintenance?

53 replies

Poppygirl96 · 05/04/2020 19:38

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son, I’ve moved into rented accommodation and he is staying at our house (my name is also on the house). The plan is for us to have custody split 60/40 with me having 4 days a week and him 3.

He earns around 50k a year which works out at around 2800 a month after taxes and I earn around 17k per year. He is agreeing to buy me out of my share of the house so that I can take my money and use it for a deposit else where.

He has said he’d rather not pay maintenance and would instead rather pay for all of the clothes, food, nappies and things our son needs when it’s his days with him and that I should pay for my own things for our son when it’s mine.

His argument against paying it, is that he has a lot of overheads to pay such as the full mortgage and bills now after I left the relationship and also has to pay for more than half of the childcare (we agreed to this as he earns way more than me and I can’t afford to pay as much as him) and would much rather we do it his way where we pay for our own things for our son on our days of contact. He is agreeing to buy me out which I predict he will sell his car to do so (but still will have some money left from the sale) as well as pay more in childcare so I do see his point as perhaps fair.

But I still feel that I should take him for maintenance as I will have our son more days than him and I earn considerably less. And as he may move on one day his finances might change. Also he has a bedroom in the house that he can rent out to earn him more money and could potentially make a lot of money if he sells the house in a few years time with my name off.

I wouldn’t even ask for the government minimum which works out at £280 a month so he should be ok with that? AIBU to ask him for any money?

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 05/04/2020 19:41

Oh and may I add I earn around £1300 a month after taxes but I am currently on mat leave on only £560.

OP posts:
Toilenstripes · 05/04/2020 19:42

As neither of you, I’m assuming, have legal knowledge of the issues and potential for future issues, I would say to get legal advice. Your son deserves protection. Even if your ex has the best intentions things happen that you can’t predict. Protect yourself and your son.

copycopypaste · 05/04/2020 19:42

Yabu to even have to ask him!

He's a parent, it's his responsibility to support his child financially. He's got overheads, oh boo bloody boo! So have you!

Work out what he should pay his the cms calculator, tell him this is what he should be paying, if he refuses, go via cms.

copycopypaste · 05/04/2020 19:44

Oh and before you agree anything t the house seek legal advice. As the primary Carer 50% is the starting point, you may be entitled to more. What about pensions etc, how is he going to support you during Nat leave? Why have you left the home?

LittleOwl153 · 05/04/2020 19:45

So you have looked at the cms and he would be due to pay you £280 a week?
Suggest you work out what the things he has agreed to pay for such a nursery cost as sadly he can decide as nrp to ditch all those extra costs and JUST pay the cms minimum.
Remember you can ask cms to calculate and enforce at any point if you feel the situation changes - for example when your son gets free nursery hours /goes to school.

The house has nothing to do with it and you should get your fair share - of deposit, repayments and gains independently of maintenance and as he's chosen to remain there the costs of maintaining the place are his problem.

LellyMcKelly · 05/04/2020 19:46

You could try, but he’s only with you one night more So you won’t get much. He’s already paying for all the childcare and he could go after for that. I’d seek legal advice and tread carefully.

Bluesrunthegame · 05/04/2020 19:46

Go via CMS. Everyone starts out with good intentions to pay the fair amount then if something goes wrong, it can take ages to sort out any mess. If you are both paying what you should from the start, there will be fewer arguments or problems later.

Soconfusedandlost · 05/04/2020 19:48

he’d rather not pay maintenance and would instead rather pay for all of the clothes, food, nappies and things our son needs when it’s his days with him

Surely he'd do this anyway regardless if maintenance. You wouldn't be expected to provide basic necessities (which is what he's listed) when your DC is with your ex. That's a big con he's trying to sell you there

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2020 19:48

Go via CMS and get legal advice regarding the house

NailsNeedDoing · 05/04/2020 19:49

Did you pay into the mortgage before?

If he’s paying all of the mortgage but is only going to get half of the value, I think expecting maintenance as well is too much.

Hannah021 · 05/04/2020 19:49

Hhmmm dony agree to anything without a legal advice... The child's future like this means he gets no savings from his dad who's so far not thinking of the future... Get a legal advice to protect both of u

slipperywhensparticus · 05/04/2020 19:50

Put the figures into CMS don't forget you will also get benefits apply for universal credit and child benefit

forrasee · 05/04/2020 19:50

60:40 is madness for a 5month old. But at that split he's hardly going to owe you any maintenance, are you sure your calculations are correct?

GlummyMcGlummerson · 05/04/2020 19:51

He has said he’d rather not pay maintenance and would instead rather pay for all of the clothes, food, nappies and things our son needs when it’s his days with him and that I should pay for my own things for our son when it’s mine

Do not agree to this - that's not what maintenance is for. Before you know it his 3 days a week is reduced to 1 and he's rubbing his hands together

Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 05/04/2020 19:51

@copycopypaste we were not married and as it was my decision to leave I wasn’t sure if I should ask him or not for child maintenance especially if he’s offering to pay more than half of the childcare when I do go back to work and he’s buying me out of the house.

I’m not sure how I’m going to support myself but I’m applying for child benefit and I also have some money saved up to tied me over which he said should be enough.

I left because I fell out of love with him and felt like a maid/roommate rather than a partner and I no longer had the effort in me to try and save the relationship.

OP posts:
GlummyMcGlummerson · 05/04/2020 19:51

Also does he expect you to pay for food in his house?!

bluebluezoo · 05/04/2020 19:52

He is agreeing to buy me out of my share of the house so that I can take my money and use it for a deposit else where

Have you seen a solicitor about this?

Generally if you need to house yourself and your son you may be awarded a larger share- although if you’ve moved out already a court will deem you housed and your position is weaker- he could claim he can’t afford to move out or pay you full costs...

Tomoveornotomove2 · 05/04/2020 19:54

GO SEEK LEGAL ADVICE - from an actual solicitor

If you still have keys to that house, when this is over - go and take copies of his earnings etc and take what is actually yours.

Then put through a claim in CMS

Do not let him pander his way out

PeppaisaBitch · 05/04/2020 19:55

Is the extra childcare more than &280 a month? Because he doesn't have to pay that and could turn around and say 'fine. I'll pay £280 but no additional childcare' this may affect your ability to work as you would have to pay childcare on your 'days'

GabriellaMontez · 05/04/2020 19:57

Have you seen a solicitor.

You really need to.

It doesn't matter who left who or why. He is legally and morally obliged to pay for the upkeep of his child.

Obviously he'll be paying for food etc when your child is with him.

Do you feel guilty for leaving? I'm reading between the lines but it sounds like it.

copycopypaste · 05/04/2020 19:58

he’d rather not pay maintenance and would instead rather pay for all of the clothes, food, nappies and things our son needs when it’s his days with him

He should pay for the childcare at the times your dc is with him, he should also pay for nappies, clothes, food etc when your dc is with him too. That's why cm reduces the more nights they spend at the other parents house.

50k a year means that he should pay £272 a month if your dc is with him 3 nights a week. Plus pay for everything your dc needs when he's with him. Inc childcare and everything I've listed above

Techway · 05/04/2020 19:59

How much will his share of childcare be? This could be more than CMS, strictly speaking cms covers all costs including childcare. I know it is unfair but that is the rules.

Are you able to claim benefits? I think it would be best to work out an agreement between you both as CMS is not that favourable for mums as it tends to allow dads to retain 90% of salary.

LolaSmiles · 05/04/2020 20:00

Get proper advice.
Both of you should cover costs at your own house, but on clothes, childcare etc you may want to tread carefully. Childcare is expensive and you could be risking an amicable co-parenting relationship and the security of childcare to facilitate your own earning for a worse financial deal if you start going down the route of 'he earns more I think he should give me more cash'

Bagofworries · 05/04/2020 20:00

So you want him to pay the full mortgage, of which you are entitled to a share of the proceeds when the sale goes through, more than half of the childcare, and just under £280 a month?
If he agrees to pay the CM instead of the nursery, could your son postpone nursery while you are on ML?
The part about your ex taking on a lodger is a moot point. He doesnt have a lodger so doesnt have that income.

Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 05/04/2020 20:03

@NailsNeedDoing I paid about 40% of the mortgage before as well as half the bills. But he has a spare room he can earn money from and has a bit of savings to help him out as well so he has some income left imo even if he thinks he won’t have much left after he pays his overheads and covers my contribution that I was paying towards the house. And as I am the one that wanted to split and we can’t sell the house right now (due to covid-19 and the low house market) to each get back what we put into it he thinks it’s fair that he buys me out and then I leave and we do things his way.

OP posts: