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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask EX for child maintenance?

53 replies

Poppygirl96 · 05/04/2020 19:38

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son, I’ve moved into rented accommodation and he is staying at our house (my name is also on the house). The plan is for us to have custody split 60/40 with me having 4 days a week and him 3.

He earns around 50k a year which works out at around 2800 a month after taxes and I earn around 17k per year. He is agreeing to buy me out of my share of the house so that I can take my money and use it for a deposit else where.

He has said he’d rather not pay maintenance and would instead rather pay for all of the clothes, food, nappies and things our son needs when it’s his days with him and that I should pay for my own things for our son when it’s mine.

His argument against paying it, is that he has a lot of overheads to pay such as the full mortgage and bills now after I left the relationship and also has to pay for more than half of the childcare (we agreed to this as he earns way more than me and I can’t afford to pay as much as him) and would much rather we do it his way where we pay for our own things for our son on our days of contact. He is agreeing to buy me out which I predict he will sell his car to do so (but still will have some money left from the sale) as well as pay more in childcare so I do see his point as perhaps fair.

But I still feel that I should take him for maintenance as I will have our son more days than him and I earn considerably less. And as he may move on one day his finances might change. Also he has a bedroom in the house that he can rent out to earn him more money and could potentially make a lot of money if he sells the house in a few years time with my name off.

I wouldn’t even ask for the government minimum which works out at £280 a month so he should be ok with that? AIBU to ask him for any money?

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 05/04/2020 20:04

Welcome to the man’s vision of parenting when separated. They just don’t get it. Everything’s black and white in their world, and he really won’t understand where you’re coming from. Seek legal advice and stick to the letter of that advice. He will try to make you doubt yourself and make himself appear reasonable - they always do at the beginning. The only way to deal with it is get a solicitor involved.

nellythenarwhal · 05/04/2020 20:04

He's having a laugh.

He has to pay for nappies etc for his days regardless of whether it's 50/50 or he sees the child once a year.

As for the overheads- don't you have overheads too?

Legally he should pay you maintenance and you each pay for the days that you use childcare. You might get Universal Credits to help with your share of the costs. This is a better way to do it as if he changes his mind and doesn't decide to pay it takes months (if ever) to get money out of him. While there are good Dads who pay what they agreed with at the time of separation, there are lots of Dads who suddenly stop paying for crap reasons like they are moving house, going on holiday, having another baby... and there's nothing that you can do about it.
Is your ex PAYE or self employed? Be very careful is he's the latter as there are loopholes which can reduce the amount that you can get from him.

Hannah021 · 05/04/2020 20:08

@Poppygirl96 im sure how much u paid towards the mortgage isnt the only factor now that there is a child in between... Dont agree to anything without proper legal advice

Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 05/04/2020 20:11

@Bagofworries Once he gives me my share of the money I put into the deposit my name will be taken off the house so he will keep any profits. And yes I could ask him to pay child maintenance until our son goes into nursery and then I could take him off CM and get him to go back to our old agreement where he pays more in child care but I doubt he’d then want to do that.

OP posts:
ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 05/04/2020 20:13

You need legal advice and to check on the CMS calculator. Don’t rely on your ex to decide to do the “right” thing. Not because he’s a bar person but because it’s up to you to make sure you get what’s owed to you and your son when he’s with you.

FWIW I think he should pay child maintenance.

Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 05/04/2020 20:14

@GabriellaMontez yes I do feel incredibly guilty especially as I know he really loves me and would do anything to try and make our relationship work. However I just don’t love him and don’t want to be with him anymore. Because of my guilt I feel that it is clouding my judgement ending up thy he pays less and that my son may suffer financially because of it.

OP posts:
katmarie · 05/04/2020 20:15

For him to buy you out of the house you will need to get the house valued, agree what % equity split you should have, with some very solid justification if it isn't 50/50, and once the money changes hands, you will have to go through the process of updating the land registry owner details. I strongly urge you to have a solicitor support you in that process, otherwise he will screw you over.

With regards to maintenance, hes obliged to pay for the child on his days, and that should include childcare, clothes, nappies etc. You pay on your days. CMS covers the fact that you have him more than ex does, so the financial burden falls unequally onto you. His payment balances that. If he is paying for everything on his days, the additional amount hes planning to pay in childcare may come to more than you would get through CMS. But if it isn't, he needs to pay maintenance. And regardless, get it all agreed in writing, ideally through a solicitor.

Finally, how old is your child? Is it realistic for him to be spending 3 nights a week at your ex's at his age? Contact should be about what's best for the child, not the parents. Again, I strongly recommend you get some legal advice.

Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 05/04/2020 20:21

@nellythenarwhal he’s not self employed he works for a company but I don’t know if I’m entitled to universal credit because of my pay and the fact that I am applying for child benefit and will be applying for child tax credits (to help us with the cost of childcare). Unless I’m getting confused and that is what universal credit is for

OP posts:
katmarie · 05/04/2020 20:23

Wait, so is he planning to just give you back your share of the deposit? That's not how it works at all. If you bought the house together, you each own a share of the property, and you're both responsible for the mortgage. The value of that share may have changed since you bought the place. It's not as simple as he gives you some cash and you go away. Is your name on the mortgage? How long have you paid in? How much did each of you put down in deposit? Have you always split the payments 60/40? What was your living situation before? Please, please get legal advice, you could be doing yourself a massive disservice here.

notapizzaeater · 05/04/2020 20:26

You will be able to claim UC which will pay most of your childcare bill.

bananafish · 05/04/2020 20:28

Put your guilt aside and lawyer up.

Not for you, if you feel that is wrong, but for your son.

You don’t know what you are doing, understandably, but this is serious stuff.
You need to get expert advice and follow it.

SebastienCrabSauce · 05/04/2020 20:29

Legally he should pay you maintenance and you each pay for the days that you use childcare
This is not true at all. He is not legally obliged to pay for any childcare at all if he is paying maintenance. The OP can also claim tax credits towards the childcare portion she has to pay.

Grumpos · 05/04/2020 20:39

Just bare in mind that if you ask for a maintenance then he is under no legal obligation to pay anything above that to you as the resident parent.

You need to be very sure of your calculations, that 280£ is surely not weekly? Not at a 40% split.

The best thing for you to do is calculate it all properly and consider what is the best financial outcome for your child. You can ask for the official maintenance but you may well end up worse off, as that would set the bar. (Although morally they NRP should contribute to childcare and all the additional bits, there’s no legal requirement)

I would also seek legal advice re the house and financials

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 05/04/2020 20:40

You need good, sound legal advice pronto!
Especially regarding the house, child maintenance and visitation.

carly2803 · 05/04/2020 20:45

get legal advice.

splitting is also a business transaction - get your game face on

carly2803 · 05/04/2020 20:45

get legal advice.

splitting is also a business transaction - get your game face on

Allergictoironing · 05/04/2020 20:47

If you put the right info in the CMS calculator regarding how many days the child is spending with each parent, then the amount it comes up with should be the amount he pays as well as all the bills when the child is staying with him.

So he should be paying for the food, nappies, clothes etc for his days AND paying you the amount calculated by CMS to help you with your days.

LemonSqueezy0 · 05/04/2020 20:54

Be very very clear about what he is LEGALLY responsible for. I think that some PPs are thinking morally, rather than legally. The CMS amount is the full amount you can "claim" from him.. Any other amount is his decision and choice to 'gift' .. So you can ask for half of the childcare, half school trips, half the uniform cost, half towards the first car.. But he doesn't have to give it. I'm Not saying its right, but it is the law. If you got a court order he could be obliged to pay more, but he could then go to CMS himself within a year, and then your court order would be superseded.

Get proper legal advice about the house and how much you could each expect.

Isleepinahedgefund · 05/04/2020 20:58

No one can put in a new claim for tax credits anymore. It’s universal credit for everyone these days.

As you’re not married the fact you have a child won’t affect the house situation.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 05/04/2020 20:59

I agree with the first poster you need legal advice and every single figure. I think often private agreements are bigger than minimum maintenance agreements. If you're taking into account divorce settlement payments then only a solicitor can say whether its reasonable

gigi556 · 05/04/2020 21:26

I agree. Get legal advice.

Adding a bit of unsolicited advice here... are you sure you want to split? I'm only asking because the first year with a new baby is HARD. Was this a long time coming or only since baby was born?

W0rkN0nSt0p · 05/04/2020 21:38

You need to apply for universal credit now, today via www.gov.uk
Because it is not back dated

Also apply today for child benefit

Child maintenance from your ex can be arranged privately or via CMS/CSA

Ref the house
Get your ducks in a row
After the virus
Get 3 different property valuations
The transfer of the property, remortgage, money must go via his & your solicitor
Use different solicitors
It will take time

W0rkN0nSt0p · 05/04/2020 21:41

Is there any way that you can both live in the same property until he buys you out ?

Live separately, but in the same house ?

The virus may last for a long time
Affecting employment, accommodation, travel restrictions etc

Poppi89 · 05/04/2020 21:46

I'm going against the grain here but I wouldn't ask him for maintenance as your practically having your DC 50/50. As it's 60/40 he is paying for the childcare instead, which probably works out more than what you would get through CMS anyway. If it was him having your DC the extra day it would be unreasonable for him to ask you for maintenance.

The only issue would be eg school trips, uniform etc - would he go halves or expect you to pay.

The housing issue I don't know enough about but I would assume that you would get 50% of what it's worth.

namechange123779 · 05/04/2020 21:50

To protect yourself you could look at capitalised maintenance, that's a one off payment to you until your child is 18, don't go for anything less you need to protect yourself & your child xx