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AIBU?

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Original poster

Grandmother insisting she is coming to visit next month

38 replies

Sendhelppls · 03/04/2020 20:17

I know I’m not BU. Just a rant I guess. DH and I live with our two year old and we have another due end of may. DHs grandmother lives in isle of man and has booked a ferry over for two weeks before I’m due (months ago before this virus was a big thing). We speak on the phone regularly and DH asked what her plans were and are ferries still running etc obviously expecting her to say she wasn’t going to risk coming now (she’s in her 70s and has a bad chest).

Grandmother replies “of course I’m still coming, I’ll be over just before 2girls is due so I can see you and meet the baby as soon as he’s born”.

I’m fuming. I’m going to be up front here - I tolerate DH grandmother and make an effort to get on with her but she’s too invasive for my liking - she will invite herself to our home, while she’s here she will do things like go through our dirty laundry and start washing it (like I don’t do it all year round 🙄), go through my DDs wardrobe to see what clothes she’s currently wearing, when DD was a baby and still in our room she would burst in in the morning as soon as DD woke to take her downstairs, things like that.

I feel like this is too far - we did not invite her (she stays with another family member for a couple of months and so we can’t stop her coming anyway, but she has invited herself to stay with us mid to end of may) and I don’t actually want her here when I’m 38 weeks/have just given birth. She tried to take over with DD when she was born - “just give her cows milk already” (3 months Old), “im going to give her a cup of tea” (8 weeks), have her a biscuit at 10 weeks etc etc. I’m planning to breast feed and 100% bond with my baby this time without watching eyes and unhealthy opinions.

But also, does she think it’s okay to mix with lots of people on the journey here (she gets a coach and goes via ferry) then come to my home possibly carrying virus germs where she will be wanting to kiss all over my daughter and newborn?

I seriously despair at this woman.

OP posts:
bakingdemon · 03/04/2020 20:21

YADNBU. What she's proposing is explicitly against the government rules, even if she were the most helpful relative ever. Get your DH to tell her he's not going to be an accessory to her breaking the law and there's no way she can travel until all the movement restrictions are limited.

Darbs76 · 03/04/2020 20:23

Simple answer is to say your midwife has said absolutely no visitors whatsoever and even your parents won’t be able to visit the new baby, which will be true (if lockdown still in place then which is likely)

Loubylou79 · 03/04/2020 20:25

Households should not be mixing at all so just tell her she needs to follow the rules to keep your baby safe

TerrorWig · 03/04/2020 20:27

Your husband needs to be clear - she can make whatever unnecessary journeys she likes, but she will not be allowed in your house. She is proposing breaking rules for herself and no one else’s benefit, that could be to a major detriment to your household.

Either she understands this and postpones / cancels her trip, or it is completely wasted.

He needs to mean it that he won’t let her in.

Justmuddlingalong · 03/04/2020 20:30

Does your DH let her trample over him, you and your family regularly?

Thedogscollar · 03/04/2020 20:34

I am a midwife and I would 100% be saying no to any visitors. I'm sure your own midwife will be advising this too in line with government recommendations. This is a life and death situation and the grandmother herself sounds foolish if she is willing to risk her own health/life as in a very high risk group.

Yambabe · 03/04/2020 20:34

The IOM has a travel ban currently, I doubt she'll be going anywhere in May.

Owwlie · 03/04/2020 20:41

I’m 39 weeks and have been told by my midwife yesterday to tell all family not to visit as they are advising that the families with newborns isolate as much as possible during the 12 week ‘shielding’ period and to reassess the situation at that point (so mid-June). And that she was particularly concerned about the risk of newborns contracting CV and developing pneumonia or sepsis. I would get your DH to tell his grandmother that she won’t be visiting until at least after the recommended period, so that should give you until at least mid-June.

We’re taking the midwives advice and won’t be seeing any family or friends until at least after mid-June. There’s no way I’m taking any risks with a newborn just to keep other people happy.

Original poster
Sendhelppls · 03/04/2020 20:43

@Justmuddlingalong yes! I think she is just one of those people who think they are a third parent and also that they can force themselves to be the first person to meet your baby. She would be in the delivery room if she could!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sendhelppls · 03/04/2020 20:46

@Owwlie I’ve not seen my midwife since before the isolation rule but will be seeing her next week. I’ve been isolating anyway and sort of gathered before that I shouldn’t be having visitors so I’ve told my mum etc that they can’t see me until the 12 weeks is up even if I’ve had the baby. I don’t know why DH grandmother thinks she comes above that tbh

OP posts:
Msmcc1212 · 03/04/2020 20:49

There are now laws to enforce this. Tell her you’ll call the police Wink

lauraiom · 03/04/2020 21:09

Not only is this against the rules, but incredibly dangerous for all of you! Also, I live on the Isle of Man, and although she would be allowed to leave the island, she wouldn't be able to come back for the foreseeable future! Borders are closed for anyone incoming, resident of not

lauraiom · 03/04/2020 21:10

Or not of, sorry

AprilFloundering · 03/04/2020 21:16

Tell your DH to put on his big boy pants, pick up the phone, and tell her she can't visit you until all of the lockdown rules are over, end of.

If she shows up, she will not be admitted to the house.

End of.

HavenDilemma · 03/04/2020 21:16

@Sendhelppls Has DH called her then? Flowers

NorthEndGal · 03/04/2020 21:20

And if she comes over, and starts showing symptoms?

Cherrysoup · 03/04/2020 21:26

Tell your DH to put on his big boy pants, pick up the phone, and tell her she can't visit you until all of the lockdown rules are over, end of.

If she shows up, she will not be admitted to the house.

Exactly this and if he won’t, you will need to.

eenyminymenybo · 03/04/2020 21:27

Well if she leaves the island and they haven't lifted the ban on travelling to the island she won't be able to come home(at the moment you travel from the island but not to), is she fully aware of this and what does she plan to do if she can't back. There are quite a few island residents stranded in the UK at the moment who are unable to get home

Covid · 03/04/2020 21:51

Honestly I wouldn't worry about this at all.

If ever Theresa time to say no to visitors and guest after birth a pandemic is one if them!

Just say we're adhering to the rules.

Likethebattle · 03/04/2020 22:04

She can turn up all she wants, the door will
Be locked and not answered.

Garden5Guru6 · 03/04/2020 23:32

On the news today some coach companies have confirmed that they are stopping due to CV

wavecatcher · 03/04/2020 23:37

New born babies have no immune system, she would be risking your new baby's health.
And hers and the other trillion reasons she's needs to be firmly told it's not happening.

Electrical · 04/04/2020 00:19

This is a non issue, your husband will be failing his newest kid and his wife if he allows that woman to break the law, he can inform her that she will not be coming onto your property, obviously. She can tantrum all she wants, every minute of every day, from her own house, no bother.

PersonaNonGarter · 04/04/2020 00:21

Your DH should deal with this.

You are reasonable and right. I can’t really understand why you are having to deal with this. It is your home. Tell DH to sort it out - no visit.