My DM with a learning disability being made to break isolation and travel around unnecessarily

[Roostersmum2]

I've just had a phone call from my stressed and tearful DM, she's 65 and has a learning disability but lives independently.

She "had" to walk 4.6 miles to her younger sisters today and 4.6 miles back. The purpose of the unessential journey was to drop off a small amount of money that was owed (£20) which her sister leant her before lockdown to buy a few essentials. Its important to note that my aunt is not short of money and certainly didn't need it today.

It is just an excuse to drag mum to her place because she's bored or lonely.

Mum also has rheumatoid arthritis and suffers from alot of pain in her legs, it is a struggle for her to walk this distance but she is frightened of using public transport during the pandemic (we live in London)

I am incandescent.

I've told my aunt no less than six times that mum is not to travel between households but she continues to apply pressure and mum doesn't feel able to say no to her.

She's not an idiot, she watches the news.

Aunt isn't taking social distancing seriously and thinks she can carry on as she likes and as far as I'm concerned she can fend for herself, but I'm worried for my poor mum.

Can I report this to somebody? I don't want to get mum in trouble, I just want her to be safe.

Unfortunately this isn't the first time I've posted here about my aunt manipulating my mum. I've tried to get an adult social care referral but I'm still waiting for that. Aunt doesn't listen to me, mum promises she won't keep running around after aunt but then as soon as aunt clicks her fingers mum jumps because she sees her as some sort of authority.

Does she maybe need an assessment by social services to see if she is actually still capable of living independently without being coerced into doing things that make her at risk?
I'm really sorry that you're going through this.
I might ring the non emergency police number and say that your mother with LD is being abused by her sister for money.

bless her, I'm sorry I'm not sure what to suggest. I'd kind of like the police to have a word with your aunt, maybe that would scare her into not taking advantage of someone with a learning disability! But I bet they're dealing with loads of reports at the moment. Its tricky.

Could you get your mum to call you whenever the sister calls her?

I honestly do think she needs a social services assessment.

I've been told about a number you can call to report breaches of current gov guidelines so I'm going to look that up in a second. I'm considering 101 but I'm not sure if it's within their remit.

I told mum I'm going to call my aunt and try for the 10th time to put a stop to this, mum then gets stressed and pleads with me not to.

I'm so fucking angry

Could your Mum block her number? If there was a genuine emergency then your Aunt could call you?

Mum doesn't know how to block numbers on her phone unfortunately but I feel as though she wouldn't do it, even if she was able to

Its a very codependent relationship with my mum being her metaphorical donkey

Could you speak to your mums GP and explain the situation, they might be able to point you in the right direction. So sorry to hear about your poor mum, she must have been exhausted. Do phone your aunt and tell her you will call the authorities if she does this again - what a selfish cow!

Although it is not a criminal offence, could you ring the police, explain the situation and ask if they have anyone spare to go round and frighten your Aunt into not doing this?

Can you call aunt and go ballistic over the phone? The shock might do something?

Do you have her on social media? A name and shame post on Facebook perhaps, so that your aunt's friends see it? Normally I wouldn't ever say to do that but social disapproval can be very powerful.

I would phone your aunt and read her the riot act without telling your mum.

Your poor mum, i dont even know her and i feel angry on her behalf.

If its her default pattern to jump at her sisters demands, can you try to change it using the lockdown as your reason? Get her to ring you first if she gets a 'command' for example so you can find alternatives etc. Would she do that? Or, step up your contact by phone so you can nip anything else in the bud. It sounds very much like she is vulnerable to coercion & exploitation generally.

Does your council have the option to raise a safeguarding concern online?

I would phone my aunt and tell her if you do this again I will be reporting you to social services for abuse. I wouldn't tell your mother but I would absolutely read the riot act to Aunt and tell her that if she has a go at your mother about this phone call you'll be taking steps to ensure she no longer has access to your mother. Try and shame her into seeing how unacceptable her behaviour is. Tell her she should be ashamed of herself!

Phone social services and say you have a safeguarding concern hopefully this will get someone to look in to your mums circumstances even if they are unable to visit/properly assess her at the moment

i would say it is a criminal offience abuse-i would do what pp said tell her she does it again youre going to report her

Tbh I'd be phoning the aunt and telling her that if it happens again that'll you'll be calling the police because she is coercing a vulnerable person into making non - essential trips and putting herself in danger.

Whether or not you carry out this threat is up to you.

You can make an adult safeguarding referral to your mother's local authority. Your aunt is abusing an adult at risk and steps should be taken to safeguard your mother from her.

I've read my aunt the riot act a few times and it just goes over her head unfortunately.

I've sent her long essays reiterating that the government are saying and told her in no uncertain terms that there will be fines, that she's putting pressure on the NHS etc. I've said exactly the same to mum.

Aunt reads the messages and doesn't respond to the the points I'm making, then she'll pop up on WhatsApp the next week like the conversation never happened "Hello rooster how are you and the kids" etc.

I've tried ringing her today but she's not answering the phone (we all know why) so I've sent a further message saying:

"I hope you haven't asked mum to come to yours again today" and I'm waiting for a reply.

I'm going to ring mum again now and tell her that whenever she gets these requests shs needs to ring me straight away before she does anything.

I've just spoken to mum and she said she's not going to go up there again and will ring me whenever aunt asks her to.

We've had the conversation too many times unfortunately so I'm going to be reporting it today

Aunt has read the message and ignored. Surprise surprise.

Tell your aunt you have sought advice (don't say mumsnet) and that if she continues in this manner that she is putting your mum at risk and you will report her to the authorities as this is mental abuse.

Tell her is she is feeling lonely she can ring her sister or you for a chat.

I would try and get someone - (preferably male with a deep voice) to call your aunt and say they have been informed about this and will take further action should it happen again.

No need to specify who they are or what the further action would be. Might just sufficiently scare her into behaving.

Not something I would normally do but sometimes drastic circumstances require drastic responses

Your aunt is a total bitch. Good call to report her. Your poor mum.

This sounds as if it could potentially be a safeguarding issue and should be flagged up to social care and your DM's GP. In the current situation resources are obviously very stretched, but it might be worth trying to have a conversation and getting some professional advice.

I've just spoken to the adult safeguarding department for my mum's burrough and they were beyond useless and quite rude actually.

The woman on the phone said it is a family issue and not something they would get involved with, she said I need to speak to both my mum and aunt and tell them not to do it.

I said I have done this several times to no avail.

She then said "well what is it you wanted us to do about it" and I replied saying DM is a vulnerable person and this is a safeguarding concern so surely it warrants social services involvement.

She said "no it's nothing we can help with, you'll just have to ring the police then"

Wtf.