My DM with a learning disability being made to break isolation and travel around unnecessarily

[Roostersmum2]

I've just had a phone call from my stressed and tearful DM, she's 65 and has a learning disability but lives independently.

She "had" to walk 4.6 miles to her younger sisters today and 4.6 miles back. The purpose of the unessential journey was to drop off a small amount of money that was owed (£20) which her sister leant her before lockdown to buy a few essentials. Its important to note that my aunt is not short of money and certainly didn't need it today.

It is just an excuse to drag mum to her place because she's bored or lonely.

Mum also has rheumatoid arthritis and suffers from alot of pain in her legs, it is a struggle for her to walk this distance but she is frightened of using public transport during the pandemic (we live in London)

I am incandescent.

I've told my aunt no less than six times that mum is not to travel between households but she continues to apply pressure and mum doesn't feel able to say no to her.

She's not an idiot, she watches the news.

Aunt isn't taking social distancing seriously and thinks she can carry on as she likes and as far as I'm concerned she can fend for herself, but I'm worried for my poor mum.

Can I report this to somebody? I don't want to get mum in trouble, I just want her to be safe.

Unfortunately this isn't the first time I've posted here about my aunt manipulating my mum. I've tried to get an adult social care referral but I'm still waiting for that. Aunt doesn't listen to me, mum promises she won't keep running around after aunt but then as soon as aunt clicks her fingers mum jumps because she sees her as some sort of authority.

Whoever has voted that I'm being unreasonable would you care to let me know how that is

Rooster I would call the police then. After all, it's what the adult safeguarding department told you to do .

And let aunt know you have spoken to both adult safeguarding and the police and that they have noted the information you have given them. Even if police say they can't / won't act there's a chance your aunt might shit herself enough to stop, knowing her name has been given to the police in the current situation.

I'm on the fence about calling the police now as the woman from safeguarding has made me feel like a fool for ringing up in the first place.

Her attitude and tone was appalling for a professional. I've come off the phone feeling embarrassed and even more stressed

Does the aunt have children? Could you ring them and tell them I’m no uncertain terms is their mother to do this? Tell them that if your mum gets ill then you will lay the blame with their mum?

Nope she doesn't have any children

I would ring every agency you can think of - with any luck your Mum's local council are being proactive and might find someone in a charity that can advocate for you. Check her local distroct or borough council website and also the county council.

Try her local Age UK branch - they may or may not be able to help but will certainly be kinder about it. Last ones I can think of are local MIND and Carers branches.

i would ring the police then if theyre being that way and tell them thats where you were directed

Doesn’t surprise me in the least that you got that response from SS. When my sister was terminally ill and only had a few weeks to live, my brother isolated her from all friends and family and stole £3k from her bank account. Neither SS nor police were interested in getting involved due to lack of competent complainant.

In your circumstances, I might be tempted to phone the aunt and say that you have reported the matter to social services and they have advised you that this is a police matter and therefore if it happens again you will be reporting to the police. Does aunt work or volunteer in a field where she needs a DBS? If so, that may be influential.

I think age concern might be a good idea. Police are interested in exploitation of vulnerable adults, at least in normal times.

Best of luck OP, a horrible thing to be happening.

I would phone the police. I have had cause to phone SS once and they were useless - I called the police instead and they were on it right away.

Oh your poor mum

Your aunt is an utter SHIT for abusing her own sister with LD

Do phone the police, since SS are so useless

• sadly the police often have to fill in the holes in the "safety net" we are supposed to have

What a horrible situation for you and your mother.
This is not a quick fix, but do you have Power of Attorney for your mother's financial and health wellbeing? If not, it might be worth looking into. Age UK may be able to advise.

I think I would flag it with the police and/ or social services.

I have a DD with LD and she would definitely be at the whim of anyone she felt knew better than her.

You aunt makes me bloody angry.

Actually Binglebong's suggestion of Age Concern or possibly Mencap might be a good move.

Tbh social care are only dealing with urgent cases at the moment so this is not an urgent matter for them. Most of my team have been redeployed to hospitals to discharge teams. If she has capacity it's unlikely they'll do anything as your mum has the right to live her life how she wants.

I would maybe speak to Age Concern.

I work for the police and this is not a Police matter, I understand that people phone the police out of frustration as other services won't help but police are not suitably trained to assess your mums's capacity and in the current climate police forces are already over stretched dealing with a huge volume of calls.

Does your aunt have children or other family members that could step in and try and help.

Is there any way your mum could move in with you until this is all over?

No advice but so sorry for you and your mum. What a horrible person your aunt is - shocking.

Thank you for the replies, I'm going to contact Age UK and hope they can advise.

I won't waste the police's time with this. Thank you to the PP who works in the police for clarifying that this isn't a police matter, you've saved me the embarrassment of another pointless call.

No other family members who can intervene and mum isn't able to stay with us, we're in a flat full to capacity with no outdoor space and DH is a key worker so could potentially put her at risk (she has hypotension and I know that makes her vulnerable)

She lives within sheltered accommodation for the over 50s in a self contained flat, the residents are fully independent. They have large communal gardens and alot of space so she is in the best place, it's just aunt that is the problem.

I would ring the police and report your aunt, for endangering the life of your mother.
I have a sibling with LD, who normally lives with my mother but both are staying with me for the duration of this lockdown. No way should your aunt get away this revolting behaviour.
My sibling is in their 30s and really doesn't understand the magnitude of the present situation. We are trying our best to keep them occupied so they dont worry to much about everything, they a very innocent outlook on the world, and very much require protecting.
Good luck with your mum.

Ring again tomorrow, you're likely to get a different person as it's the weekend and you can insist on making a safeguarding referral. Each time something new happens, make another referral. Does she have a social worker? If so ask to speak to them. Not having one won't make a difference to the safeguarding referrals but it is sometimes more helpful if you have someone involved who already knows your mum.

Also worth looking at her capacity around this situation as this may be the reason you were not taken seriously initially. How much does she understand about corona? Is she aware of isolation or social distancing? Mental has a lot of resources around this and they are updated frequently.

Staff are being redeployed but there will always be people around to deal with any safeguarding concerns. It is not something that can be taken away.

What other professionals are involved? May be worth trying to get their involvement if questions are raised around her capacity.
Feel free to pm me, happy to help in any way I can.

Can you block your aunts number from your mum’s phones?

Could you change your mums number?
Does your Aunt also have learning difficulties?

If she lives in sheltered accommodation is there a warden or something you could speak to for help? They may be able to give support while you cannot visit

You have to tread very carefully as your DM may well have LD but she could full mental capacity. Mental capacity doesn't mean making the sensible decision people with LD are full well within their rights to make unwise decisions. Doing things like blocking her aunts number from her phone could actually be considered emotional abuse of your DM. First steps I would speak to your aunt again in a calm manner contact the warden of the sheltered accommodation, GP, LD team if she has one, social services again about a safeguarding concern.

Sometimes you have to harass and harass but if SS deem your DM has capacity not a lot can be done. Seen this situation many times.