Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I grieve?

30 replies

Tired5421 · 03/04/2020 10:04

NC for this.
Last week my Dad got ill with COVID19. He developed pneumonia and died in hospital a few days later with no-one beside him.
I’m currently stuck in the house with 2 preschoolers. My Mum is on her own in the house that she shared with Dad. I can’t see the rest of my family either. DH has been amazing but...
I am so angry and I have no one to vent to. My children are beautiful and lovely but I just want to be away from them and I can’t go anywhere. I feel trapped in my own grief and it just keeps building.
Please help, how do I cope with this?

OP posts:
ppeatfruit · 03/04/2020 10:08

You can't get on the phone and vent to your mum? Is she able to empathise?

Maybe write down your feelings , punch pillows etc. I'm so sorry Flowers it's a horrible situation.

Rubberoftheband · 03/04/2020 10:10

I'm so sorry Thanks, could you try writing down your feelings? It's little help I know but it does focus your mind and you can read it again and add to it.

It's awful, you truly have my sympathy. Thanks

Violet19 · 03/04/2020 10:11

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. Your situation sounds so difficult. I don't know if they are running as usual but have you tried CRUSE? They run a bereavement helpline although I don't know if/how they are still running at the moment. I took this from their website:
The number is 0808 808 1677

You can also email [email protected]

The helpline is open Monday-Friday 9.30-5pm (excluding bank holidays), with extended hours on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings, when we’re open until 8pm.

HollowTalk · 03/04/2020 10:11

I'm so sorry for you all.

Flowers

Can you phone your mum for some comfort?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 03/04/2020 10:11

Listening to griefcast might help Flowers

Ponoka7 · 03/04/2020 10:12

This stage of grief will pass. You need to be very kind to yourself. Would it help to read about the grieving stages?

Can you get out for a walk, or your DH give you some space, even if it means you are in a bedroom for the day?

LakieLady · 03/04/2020 10:14

So sorry, OP. Flowers

I don't think there's any one way of grieving, it's very personal. But when I had had a bereavement many years ago, someone told me that "grief is the price we pay for love", which I found really helpful.

ButtWormHole · 03/04/2020 10:14

I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is so tough at the best of times.

bigchris · 03/04/2020 10:18
Flowers

So sorry to hear this

Preumable your mum has to be isolated for 14 days ? I'd try to keep going for those 2 weeks, focus on practical things you can do for her , you can register the death over the phone , plan what limited funeral you can have , phone her every day etc

Take her shopping and buy flowers to leave outside her door

Garden5Guru6 · 03/04/2020 10:19

Do you have some photos that you can put up round the house, make a collage ?

Sorry for your loss

It's true, time is a healer

Can you plan a celebration in a years time

sashh · 03/04/2020 10:30

So sorry OP

Balhammom · 03/04/2020 10:39

Really feel for you OP. Hope you have some friends or family you can at least speak to while OH takes over the childcare for a bit.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 03/04/2020 11:04

I'm in the same situation as you OP and it sucks. Not only has THE bug stolen my mum but it has also stolen our need to grieve properly. One of my sisters can't fly home, The other one lives in the next street and my dad lives alone in isolation across the road, and we cannot hold each other and cry together. Everything is having to be done over the phone which makes it all less personal. Her funeral will be attended by just my dad, me and my sister, with my other sister on skype. Her grandchildren cannot be there because of the limit on numbers. It will be months before we can hold her memorial gathering and finally scatter her ashes in a place she loved that is a 2-3 hour drive away.

Flowers to OP.

Mogs43 · 03/04/2020 16:12

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. It is truly horrific - the stuff of nightmares. I am not sure how anyone can get though something like this - all the normal conventions /things that you do to help with grief just seem so difficult/impossible to do. I suppose we just have to acknowledge that was is happening is awful, that you are allowed to be upset and to be kind. two yourself . To try and speak to friends and family were you can? To plan for a positive celebration once its all over? Most of all to be kind to yourself and acknowledge that even just waking up and getting through a day is an achievement in itself.

My father is in hospital - he is terminally ill and contracted coronavirus whilst an inpatient. I have been told that I cannot visit. To be. honest I feel very angry and am devastated by the situation. I feel like I am letting him down and cant protect him when he needs me most. I cant begin to imagine how you must feel. I wish I could do something to help you.

I do think the distinct lack of support for those suffering from the impact of the virus and their families has been very disappointing. There is hardly any information and no one to speak to. It is a very different experience for those in your shoes than those who seem to simply be having a staycation. I am sorry that you are going through this

makingmammaries · 03/04/2020 16:23

What a horrible situation. I have no real insights to offer, just deep sympathy. It is bad enough losing a beloved parent in ordinary The only thing I can say, OP, is that in time the feeling of disbelief will pass and you will be able to remember your Dad with gratitude for the time you had. Stay strong and safe.

chocolatemademefat · 03/04/2020 17:30

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband is in hospital terminally ill and I haven’t seen him for ten days now.
It’s hard listening to people complaining about being stuck indoors when your life seems to be crumbling around you.
Can your husband have the children even for a few hours to give you time on your own. Your mum will be distraught too so perhaps you could FaceTime her for a chat.
I wish you luck in getting through this and hope you manage to get some time to grieve 💐

OntheWaves40 · 03/04/2020 17:35

I think the government needs to do more to support people in this situation.

Blackbear19 · 03/04/2020 17:40

I'm sorry, didn't want to read and run.
All I can suggest is regular contact with your mum. And once she is out with the 14 days it might be worth her moving in with you even as a temporary basis.

welshladywhois40 · 03/04/2020 17:57

When I lost my mum suddenly I found the anger unbearable but I did find two outlets helpful - one might not be so easy -

The day it happened I stood on a beach (deserted on Boxing Day) and screamed till I was hoarse.

And I found plate smashing helped - there was something therapeutic about seeing a plate smash. Obviously not your best things.

Anger is a completely normal a rational part of grieving.

Also shouting it's not fair repeatedly seemed to help too.

Is there someone bottom of the garden that you can get some space.

My sincere condolences on your loss. One thing someone said to me a week after my loss and I nearly hit them was it will get better. And it will slowly I promise you. Keep in there.

YouokHun · 03/04/2020 18:28

I really feel for you. I’m in a similar boat having lost a close relative 3 weeks ago and with my DF in the late stages of cancer with both my mother and me banished from the hospital. It is so so hard. And I see others here in this terrible situation. I don’t know what to suggest but I agree it might be worth getting in touch with CRUSE and the Samaritans as an adult listening ear. My DH, whose DB died 3 weeks ago is listening to Julia Samual’s book called Grief Works on Audible which he is finding helpful. I really wish you strength at this time and I hope coming on here will help (I’ve seen such amazing support on here time and time again). Flowers

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/04/2020 18:36

So sorry Op.

Are you able to leave the house at the moment?

One thing I find helpful is if you can go for a walk and find somewhere fairly deserted. And then run. I don’t mean jog I mean sprint. And keep going until it is hurting so much that you want to vomit. And then shout. (I find “fuck” works particularly well but “aaaarrrrrrggggggg” is probably just as good.)

PardonWhat · 03/04/2020 18:38

I’m so sorry. I lost my grandma in exactly the same way last week.
Thinking of you Flowers

BubblyBarbara · 03/04/2020 18:39

You can't get on the phone and vent to your mum? Is she able to empathise?

Her mother just lost her husband! So she should not be getting any "venting" aimed at her, she's the one who should be venting. Commiserate and cry together by all means though. A kind third party such as a friend is more suitable here or, failing that, an online counselor of some sort.

Original poster
Tired5421 · 03/04/2020 21:59

My heart is breaking at the fact that there are others going through the exact same thing, I’m so sorry 😭
There’s likely to be only me at his funeral, he deserved so much better than this, he was the loveliest man.
Thank you for all of your replies, I think I am going to need counselling. I’ve experienced loss before but this whole scenario has been so traumatic I just don’t know how to deal with it.
DH is giving me alone time but I feel like I’m pressuring myself to return to normal as I’m usually the main caregiver (DH works long hours usually) and feel so guilty leaving them even though they’re fine with their Dad! Such crazy emotions.

OP posts:
Lifeisgenerallyfun · 03/04/2020 22:26

So sorry for everyone’s losses, all the normal conventions are gone. It’s going to be a matter of finding your own temporary coping mechanisms until things ease up so you can embrace those you want to embrace, hold a memorial service, and go through the usual grieving process. Recognise what is usual cannot be shoehorned into the current situation. Can you hide away in your bedroom Undisturbed and cry, read, write, listen to music on head phones. Ring one of the charities mentioned above?

My dad has been moved from hospital into a care home, he has rapidly advancing dementia and I suspect he won’t remember us when this is over, he can’t understand why no one is visiting as he can’t understand. It’s shit, there’s nothing I can do and accepting that rather than trying to make something happen is part of the healing process for me.

There,unfortunately, is a lot of people in your position, is there something like starting a Facebook group for people going through the same thing to give you somewhere to channel your feelings?