to ask you how to help my "snowflake" friend

[allthatglittersisplastic]

My best friend was recently described as a "snowflake" by her mums friends and was upset. They said she was a snowflake because she is mid 20s with no job and living with her parents and young sisters.

I didn't know what to say. I want my friend to feel empowered and I thought her mums friends overstepped the mark, but everything they said was true. I know alot of people on here would find this very unimpressive. My friend has trained for three years to be an actress, and another year training learning pottery. She spent the past two years doing the odd baby sitting job that just about pays for her car.

I feel so sad for her that she's not fulfilling her potential. She is so sweet and kind and I love her to pieces but she's so broken down, living at home she's treated like her much younger siblings, and theres lots of screaming, chores, 'go to your room'. So far from where you want to be at 24. She has held down jobs in the past for short spurts but it sets her anxiety off so badly she would come home crying every night. She doesn't do well interacting with other people.

She's very creative and can work well from home on a laptop should an opportunity arise. I don't think she would be a good teacher, but are there other creative jobs online anyone can think of?

I want to be a supportive friend and I have tried so many times to help her. I don't think it will be too long before her mum kicks her out, so I want to inspire her before that point.

She needs a hand hold to get to that next stage in life. Its not my responsibility but I am glad to do it. I realise I am her only friend and the only one willing to be that person. I am not looking for anyone to insult me or my friend, I am politely asking for suggestions of how I can help her move on from this stage in life.

She'd be better off moving out and learning the skills to handle being around people. She'll be able to use her Drama Studies and in turn, that'll improve her Drama skills, as it sounds as though her only real shortcoming is from not being treated well/as an adult where she is.

I agree she's better off moving out, but in order to do so she needs to have some money and an income. Its why i'm trying to see if there any online jobs. She may have to live with strangers too, she would really struggle with that.

Strangers wouldn't shout and send her to her room like a six year old.

She needs to move out and learn adult skills & interaction, she doesn't have a hope while staying in that childhood family dynamic.

She should focus on either getting herself into independent living (easier said than done but possibly moving into a rented room could be a good first step) or even employment where accommodation is tied to it (farm picking, hospitality when lockdown ends, some on site care roles in an elderly or educational setting). She won't earn much but even a short few weeks of living as a real adult may be the making of her.

I think the idea of employment with accommodation is a really good idea.

Well, agri agencies are trying to recruit staff for harvests right now. They're used to providing basic accommodation. That sort of thing could be brilliant for her.

To be honest part of the problem seems to be that she won’t work unless it’s her ‘perfect’ ‘full potential’ job. She can find that while she is working in just ANY job to get some money and independence and start living her life. Her first job won’t be perfect or even remotely what she wants to do with her life, but it can be a start

There are tonnes of delivery jobs going just now with amazon and the likes.

I agree with PP in that she needs to find work, pretty much any work, and try to develop her confidence, resilience and independence. Realistically it's probably going to take a long time for her to be exactly where she wants to be but see if she can set smaller, short term goals. Of course, lockdown will hinder this but things like, apply for five jobs. Visit five potential house shares/flats, etc when things are on the go again. If she can achieve smaller goals it might make her more open to moving towards bugger, more life-changing goals. I think independence is a good one to start with for her. Good luck to you both.

So.. Your friend has mental health problems that mean that she can't hold down a job.

Her mums friends (?) are awful to her and you agree with them and most people on mumsnet would find her 'unimpressive'?

Failing to see how you're much of a friend tbh.

Be cautious seeing an ‘online job’ as a safe one for her: I work from home at a creative job and it makes me incredibly anxious at times.

Just because you work from home doesn’t mean you’re not accountable to others and it doesn’t mean that the job is easy.

*bigger. What a typo!

YABU. You can’t help her, nobody can. She can only help herself.

She needs to pull herself out of that situation; nobody can do it for her. When all this is over she needs to see a GP about her anxiety and go from there, doing everything they tell her to.

She won’t get better by wallowing. It will just go on for years.

Don’t be a dick @Jennifer2r it’s obvious the OP is trying to help.

She also listed her friends many qualities and stated how much she feels for her. But I see you left that part out.

Could she look for a job as a Casting Assistant or Assistant to an actor?
Or in Script Development? Not that any productions are going right now... she would need to wait until this all blows over. She definitely won't find a perfect job in the current climate.
Even then, it would entail starting with work experience and working as a Runner.

How about a boarding school matron. Accomodation included in the job.
If she's used to caring for younger siblings, then she has caring experience.

thank you for all your suggestions, there are some really great ideas here. I do agree if would be best if she moved out.

@RedRed9 thank you for your warning I did have the idea a creative job online would be the answers to all her problems. But maybe she does need to try something different.

@NicLondon1i love this idea!

I know this will sound like a big leap and not wishing to fling armchair diagnoses around but my first thought was what if there is actually something specific holding her back like Inattentive ADHD? I think it’s the lack of sticking with things, the anxiety, the shouting and drama, the holding jobs down issues. I just wonder because Inattentive ADHD is such a poorly diagnosed thing among girls and women and so often misdiagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder or people are told they’re lazy and stupid, out of control, chaotic, unfocused and really at the end of the day they need a bit of help with their dopamine! I was diagnosed as an adult and up to that point you could have been describing me.

@YouokHun some of this things you listed really make sense in my friends case. What do you suggest I do with this information to help my friend?

Send her to tesco to work. She can build up the creative stuff in her spare time until it becomes a viable business

two of her three sisters are in the high risk category so she has to stay inside for now.

Well it might be worth you looking at ADDitude in the first instance www.additudemag.com/ (ADD was the previous name for what they now refer to as Inattentive ADHD). It’s worth considering whether she feels she recognised herself in any of the info.

She does sound like a snowflake, TBH.

She doesn't do well interacting with other people.

Yet she wants to be an actress?? Also, if her anxiety is set off whenever she does a short term job how is she going to cope with acting? I'm sure every director she works with is not going to be pandering to her.

I have a friend like that.... in fact I was the friend like that for much of my 20s.
My experience and observation is this. Nothing is going to change unless she grits her teeth, puts her head down and powers through a good few months of working at any old job, learning to cope with the anxiety, the boredom and lack of purpose.
Ok she will be feeling miserable, but she is miserable anyway.
BUT at the end of 6 months she will have grown in resilience, she will be proud of herself, she will have a little bit of money and independence, she will have work experience for the next step up.
Dreams of acting stardom are common, nobody dreams of the glamour of being a Tesco cashier.

Pandering to her wont help her in the long run, though its doubtful how much you, as a friend, can push it.

My friend and I spent our early 20s just like this. Circumstances forced me into a crappy job that I needed to keep. My friend had the opposite, she pretty much indulged her own weaknesses for another 10 years - she puts it that way herself.

Sounds harsh I know - but everyone has hurdles to jump, some worse than others, and hers does sound hard. But not impossible.