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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just found out his ex passed away - he doesn't know

60 replies

CatonNZ · 02/04/2020 02:21

Oh dear God - in addition to what we're all worrying about - here I am on the laptop- in shock and feeling quite sad. Really not sure what the right thing to do is - So I am turning to the Mumsnet Community for help...

I am in a relationship for the past year or so. A lovely older man - (ten years older than I). His ex and he split up almost 30 years ago. Acrimonious split - he was the one who left - there were a lot of problems and I have been told he felt that was the best decision for the family that he leave - but as a result she did not allow him to see the children thereafter - they (namely his stepson) lost touch until about ten years ago - when someone contacted his stepson (who he calls his son). They were able to get together on numerous occasions - I don't think she (his ex) initially knew they'd been in touch for the longest time. But something happened and I believe she found out - for they lost touch once again - he tried to contact his stepson many time but never any reply - so I have been told and yes, I believe that to be absolutely true.

Anyway this evening, I was cruising on Facebook and looked at the stepson's FB page to see how he's been and saw- his mum passed away just before Xmas!?!
Other than feeling really shocked and saddened I'm truly at a loss - she was quite a few years older than my partner. I don't know if it was sudden or due to illness - I must also say my partner mentions them from time to time - always in a fond manner and always respectfully - lately I had thought of quietly contacting the stepson as maybe he felt split into choosing loyalty to his mum - which is understandable but life is short and it saddens me that some families function this way - but I haven't.

I did not feel it fair to do this to my partner without discussion - also the relationship is quite new.

AIBU not to say anything? Keep this quiet? Make like it never happened?
I now wonder what would the repercussion be if I don't say and he somehow finds out- I feel I'm damned if I do or if I don't?

One side of me feels it would be intrusive, it's not my business and it would cause pain - which is the last thing I want for anyone.

It's just really sad the mum (his ex) has passed away and he (my partner) is oblivious to that fact.

The only reason I knew where to look on FB was because my partner actually went online and showed me one evening when we were chatting about family and past lives.

Thanks everyone for reading.

OP posts:

Cwenthryth · 02/04/2020 06:57

Are you 110% sure that this info is correct? That you’ve looked up the right person? You sound perhaps surprised at the age difference between your partner and the woman you believe was his ex, are you absolutely sure these are the right people you looked up?

If you are definitely sure, then tell him. Facebook throws up all sorts of random connections in the ‘people you might know box’. The fb stalking isn’t a big deal, you were only idly wondering and looked up publicly available information, you haven’t gone behind his back and contacted anyone (that would be the line of weirdness for me). I’d be careful to not make it about how sorry/embarrassed you are about the fb stalking. The main focus has to be the death of his ex. I think we’d all have some kind of reaction to process when we hear that news, no matter how long ago the relationship was.

fuzzymoon · 02/04/2020 06:58

I think he would be sad that you knew and didn't tell him.
I'm not sure why you wouldn't. He may think it odd that you've been looking people up especially because he doesn't do fb but I think you should tell him.

TheStuffedPenguin · 02/04/2020 07:10

If the step son wanted to get in touch but felt divided loyalties, there was nothing stopping him doing so at any point in the last 3+ months, which makes me think he didn’t want to. He would have at least told your partner his Mum had passed away. Maybe they were never as close as your partner claims This !

SunshineCake · 02/04/2020 07:13

If it is true say you were looking up his step son as you care about him or miss him and then discovers some shocking news about his mum. Go from there.

postingintotheabyss · 02/04/2020 07:38

Perhaps he already knows? Perhaps he's tried to make contact with his stepson and been rebuffed? It may be that he's hurt and unable/unwilling to talk about it.

Deathgrip · 02/04/2020 07:46

I would tell him, no question.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 02/04/2020 07:51

I’m surprised you are asking. Of course you tell him, he will decide himself how he wants to go about it.

LakieLady · 02/04/2020 07:59

I'd want to know if my ex died. Primarily so that I could go and dance on the fucker's grave.

forrasee · 02/04/2020 08:07

Sorry, is this your partner's son or stepson? You said he lost contact with children, plural? Biological?

Notredamn · 02/04/2020 08:12

I wouldn't meddle, look where your snooping has led you. I think you need to stop dwelling on this family your new partner knew over 30 years ago.

NewToRenting · 02/04/2020 08:20

I'm probably reading too much between the lines, and if so, ignore me . But here's my take.

Since (a) she was older than him, (b) he was the one who left (or was kicked out), (c) it was an acrimonious split, and (d) she stopped her son from seeing your partner, I'm guessing your partner cheated or otherwise was a dick.

Now he has you - a younger model - he will obviously talk as if that relationship meant a lot to him. He has to show himself in a good light.

Don't blame you for a bit of online snooping, it's not as if you hacked into his accounts, you were looking at publicly available information.

I would leave well enough alone. If the stepson thought it mattered, he would have been in touch. They are grown men, leave them to sort it out.

VettiyaIruken · 02/04/2020 08:38

I wouldn't.
If his stepson wanted him to know, he would have told him.

To the ex's son he was, perhaps, just a man his mum was with 30 years ago.

TabbyMumz · 02/04/2020 08:40

I think people make too much out of people looking people up on fb, even calling it stalking. I mean come on, it's a public thing on the internet, if they didnt want people to look, dont open an account!!

zafferana · 02/04/2020 08:43

I wouldn't say anything. He hadn't been in touch with the woman in years and fond though his memories are he and she were so far out of touch at the point of her death that no one bothered to tell him that she'd died - not even his stepson. I'd leave well alone. You wouldn't come out of this well either - online stalking his stepson.

Nekoness · 02/04/2020 08:48

I would tell him that you’ve been looking up a lot of random people that pop up as suggestions on your FB because of covid, and you were curious if anyone was ill, etc. Say that stepson appeared way on the bottom on the suggestion list and you clicked on his profile. Then tell him that you think he ought to look at his stepson’s profile, as it had a public post on there that he should see.

rayoflightboy · 02/04/2020 08:49

His mother just died,he probably still getting used to that fact.

I would just tell your dh,it would be worse if he found out further down the line that you knew.And didnt tell him.

Nekoness · 02/04/2020 08:51

Just to add, I don’t think it’s snooping when someone makes a public post on FB to specifically tell the world.

However, I think your partner will be extremely hurt by this... by not being told by anyone. Is this really the best time to deliver the news?

If you chose to say nothing and he someone found out you knew... well the simplest explanation is to say “I thought you knew too? I assumed the stepson told you but you chose not to tell me since I didn’t know this person.”

HaveAtEm · 02/04/2020 08:56

I'm just not understanding this at all...a 30 year in the past relationship! Why would anybody be even thinking about this?THIRTY YEARS!! The children are not your partner's biological children and he clearly hasn't spent much time with them or doing anything supportive to help with their upbringing since leaving...and they are now very much adults, so 🤷‍♀️ He left in acrimonious circumstances....THIRTY YEARS AGO!

If an ex from my 30 year past had the absolute temerity to wade back in now, for any reason at all, I would be 🤬 If my ex husband from 28 years ago died, I doubt I'd know, and wouldn't need or want to, and vice versa. Why would I? None of my business!

🤦‍♀️my mind just boggles at how some people seem to create a drama over such things! LEAVE IT ALONE, IT DOES NOT CONCERN YOU!

Bloatedandconfused · 02/04/2020 08:57

Do you think the friend who facilitated contact knows about the ex dying? They obviously know both parties so why havent they said anything?

Billben · 02/04/2020 09:10

*I'm probably reading too much between the lines, and if so, ignore me wink. But here's my take.

Now he has you - a younger model - he will obviously talk as if that relationship meant a lot to him. He has to show himself in a good light.

Don't blame you for a bit of online snooping, it's not as if you hacked into his accounts, you were looking at publicly available information.

I would leave well enough alone. If the stepson thought it mattered, he would have been in touch. They are grown men, leave them to sort it out.*

Agree with this. Plus, I wouldn’t be shedding a tear for a person who didn’t let me see my children anyway.

diddl · 02/04/2020 09:11

I wouldn't say anything-he's surely as able to snoop on FB & find out as the Op did?

spongedog · 02/04/2020 09:13

So the stepson is a grown man in his 30's - possibly even older. And has decided not to stay in contact again. I think his choice needs to be respected. So I would not tell your partner that you found out. It really is nothing to do with you. But the idea of the mutual friend is perhaps a better one. Suggest a get together later in the year.

Triplesevenlife · 02/04/2020 09:19

suggestionsplease1 · 02/04/2020 09:25

I would say something just because it would be weird to have that knowledge when your partner didn't. What if he started talking about her at some point, would you just nod on as if you didn't know anything? I would find that quite a betrayal if a partner did that to me.

However, as PPs have said - it's possible you don't know the full facts, so I would tread carefully, mention that you'd seen something online and point him in the direction so that he can work things out for himself.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/04/2020 09:39

I read stellabella's post differently in that this was her ex that she 'snoops' on. That's understandable and not the same for you, OP. This is not your family it's your new-ish partner's.

I think if you are determined to pass on the news (that isn't yours to tell really), you need to have an explanation for why you were looking. It wouldn't be a comfortable situation for me.

Think about it, his ex died before Christmas and his step-son has not told him. Whatever the relationship is that they have, I wouldn't be stepping into it.

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