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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find SIL rude?!

31 replies

Lolaesque · 01/04/2020 18:18

So DH and his sister have an odd relationship. They argue when they're together. It's not very often they're together as we live in different parts of the country.

Recently we had SIL to stay, along with her DD, who is 8. It was a visit too far in my opinion and I don't want them to stay in my home again. SIL has been on the phone saying that all being well, she's looking to come and visit for 2 weeks in the summer (if we're out of lock down). DH has agreed without discussing it with me.

I find her unbearable, especially when she's had a few to drink. Her DD is also incredibly precocious and when she didn't get her own way, went around slamming doors and screaming and shouting.

SIL decided to take it upon herself to tell me that it was obvious that I didn't know how to please her brother in the bedroom and he was extremely frustrated. At the time I was taken aback at the time and didn't know what to say.

One evening SIL and DH fall out all over something incredibly minor. She turned on DH and started screaming at him. This went on for over 10 minutes. I have a DC who was asleep at the time and I didn't appreciate this kind of behaviour in MY home. I excused myself and went to bed.

The next day DH received an apology, but I never received anything in the way of a sorry from her.

She's going through a bit of a tough time at the moment. I have tried to reach out to her, but all of my messages have gone unanswered. I've not asked again.

AIBU to refuse to let this woman back in my home? DH has said it's obvious I really dislike his sister, but he can't understand why! I have told him what was said, but he thinks I am being unreasonable. The last visit was hellish and I just don't want them back.

OP posts:
Spied · 01/04/2020 18:25

Tell your DH there is no chance this is happening. If he wants to see her then he can go and visit her.
I wouldn't go to the effort of contacting her and telling her she's not welcome- that's DH's job, especially as she does not answer your messages.
Incredibly rude.
And your DH needs to have your back on this.

RonnieBarkingMad · 01/04/2020 18:27

SIL decided to take it upon herself to tell me that it was obvious that I didn't know how to please her brother in the bedroom and he was extremely frustrated. At the time I was taken aback at the time and didn't know what to say.

Wtf? Creepy Confused

AIBU to refuse to let this woman back in my home? DH has said it's obvious I really dislike his sister,

No YANBU and I would, in your shoes, tell DH “yes, it is obvious I really dislike your sister, because I do” and proceed to list the reasons why. Two weeks is far too long a stay. From that you’ve described, one night would be too long a stay.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 01/04/2020 18:29

I wouldn't let her in after saying that to me. I'd also give DH a tongue-lashing over discussing our sex life with his sister. Surely that isn't normal between siblings?

Fimofriend · 01/04/2020 18:30

SIL commenting on your marriage just shows that there is something fundamentally wrong with her. Who the hell does that?

HavelockVetinari · 01/04/2020 18:37

Ewwwww to the bedroom comment! Envy That's gross!

The shouting etc. is not acceptable either. I don't think it's enough to ban her from your home, but the bedroom comment is!

MamaGee09 · 01/04/2020 18:43

She sounds a right bitch, I’d be telling dh that there is no way she was staying and if he didn’t tell her I’d tell her, dh says I’m like a bull in a china shop so he would sort it out! He says I’ve no tact, a spades a spade!

Ohtherewearethen · 01/04/2020 18:43

She needs to sort her own family and relationships out before commenting on yours! Hideously inappropriate! I would have cringed myself pink at that comment from her. Who on earth even thinks of things like that about their siblings' marriages? If they were super close and told each other everything then she might be able to 'read' him if he's not happy but it sounds like they can barely be in a room together without arguing! I would definitely make sure she knows that she's not welcome again and why. She is extremely rude and a terrible houseguest.

SharonasCorona · 01/04/2020 18:43

I wouldn’t want her in my own home either. Say no!

Who does the cooking, bed sheets etc when she visits? I hope not you!

mbosnz · 01/04/2020 18:44

Well let's see, why would you have a problem with his sister.

Could it be:

Absolutely no sense of appropriate boundaries - you don't discuss your brother's sex life with his wife - that is beyond gross.
Loud, abusive, distressing arguments between him and his sister that you had to listen to, and that distressed your child.
She can't handle her drink, becoming rude and obnoxious.
Her poor child who suffers from constant exposure to this, is precocious, rude, and disruptive.

It's your house as well as his. If you wanted to invite (insert relation here that your DH can't stand) to stay, you'd obviously be consulting him, and also taking his feelings into very strong factor. He should be doing the same.

Also giving weight to the fact that she has:

Not apologised for her previous extremely inappropriate and poor behaviour
Has not reached out to your extremely civilised overtures, but has ignored you.

I'd be telling him that if she comes, I'd be making it my mission to make our home as coldly inhospitable as I could, and he would be entirely responsible for feeding, watering, stabling, and entertaining her and her delightful offspring.

Pumpkinpie1 · 01/04/2020 18:48

Just because she’s staying - he thinks doesn’t mean you need to be there!
His sister his responsibility.
I suspect a 2 weeks visit would never happen if he was the sole host

MadForMangos · 01/04/2020 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

givemeacall · 01/04/2020 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2020 19:02

No way. She sounds awful!

AdoptedBumpkin · 01/04/2020 19:07

Absolutely not unreasonable.

JimDuggansEye · 01/04/2020 19:11

Agree with @Pumpkinpie1

"That's so sweet of you to give up your annual leave to look after her. I'll let you know where the DC and I will be going once I've booked."

opticaldelusion · 01/04/2020 19:18

It's mumsnet. You'll get unanimous support. All in laws are evil and you should immediately go NC with the whole family and never, EVER let them see your children again.

Esspee · 01/04/2020 19:20

JimDuggansEye. Perfect!

SandyY2K · 01/04/2020 19:20

Your husband obviously discussed your sex life with her. If he didn't, she wouldn't have said what she did and he would have had a word with her about it. His reaction wasn't one if shock when you told him... nothing like "Where did she get that from" or " She's talking a load of nonsense" or dare I say "I'm satisfied with our sex life" ... all he could say is you're being unreasonable.

Unless of course he agrees with what she said. She's loopy, but your DH has given her the ammunition to talk disrespect you.

How would he like it if your brother told him he wasn't cutting it in the bedroom for you and you're frustrated with his poor performance......I have to be honest here, the fact that he can't see how disrespectful this is.... would be a bigger issue than his sister.

Yet he isn't bothered by how she spoke to you. If my brother was disrespectful to my DH like that, I'd call him out on it and tell him to apologise, or he's not welcome in our home again...you have bigger problems than your SIL.

I wouldn't want her in my house...and neither would I want my 'D'H in the house if he feels it's appropriate to discuss such things with his sister.

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 01/04/2020 19:27

There’s no way she’d be staying again. Ever, let alone for 2 fucking weeks.

The nasty behaviour from her and tantrum from her kid is bad enough but the sex comment was creepy, spiteful and just gross. They have a really odd relationship by the sound of it.

IndecentFeminist · 01/04/2020 19:30

Sex comment is odd, but not sure why she would apologise to you for arguing with her brother?

Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 19:32

Obviously he needs to go stay with her. Possibly for good...

diddl · 01/04/2020 19:34

She told you that you don't know how to please her brother sexually & he has said that it's obvious that you don't like her.

No shit Sherlock!

That is way creepy.

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/04/2020 19:38

You need to talk to your DH about this. You have clearly minimised his part in all this to villify your sil and neice. The fact remains it’s his house too and his family - you get to remove yourself from the situation as needed but you don’t get to stop him or your DS from seeing his family if he wants to.

Zombiemum1946 · 01/04/2020 19:47

WTAF Brother's sex life ? Jesus no. My dsil may her issues but never in her life would she go there. I've got brothers and that's way past normal discussion.

RainbowsAndReading · 01/04/2020 19:50

It is also your house and it is not fair for him to make decisions without consulting you.
He is free to visit her at her house for 2 weeks.
The sexual comment was really inappropriate.
She should have apologised to you because she was shouting in YOUR house with your dc there.

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