Exh/ temp unemployed/ maintenance

[flatscreenlife]

My exh has been temporarily unemployed due to the pandemic. He will receive a total of £275 per week in payments plus a possible extra£100 per week .
We are not legally separated yet but work well as coparents and he pays approx£200 week maintanance for our three kids as they live with me 80% of the time.
We are meant to be in lock down but I've found out that his girlfriend travels to see him
For a few days every few days . She lives 100km away.
He would like 50/50 custody now as he is off and he would not have to pay me maintenance.

I have been clear that under no circumstances will I allow the children to spend half the time with him
When his oh is essentially there when the children are not.
I am being really anal
About this lockdown to the point of obsession as we cannot afford to get unwell from a health perspective. Our kids have not had any human contact outside of either of us in three weeks and besides the shop, neither have I.
I have asked him if he is willing to forego his girlfriends visits for lockdown in the kids best interests and then do 50/50 .
He is not willing to do that as he says she is his only comfort and support at the moment.

Ive offered for him to stop maintaenance of£50 per week for now so he would in effect be paying £150( mortgage ) as maintenance .

He won't get a job as he feels he would only be £ 50 better off per week and his redundancy may be affected if he is permanently unemployed . He has savings of approx £7k.
How would you deal with this?

He thinks I am only being 'partly ' fair as I am being paid.

Bump

Its the fact his partner is coming to see him, when everyone has been told not to visit. As for the maintenance not sure what to suggest. He may not be able to get UC if he has that much in savings.

I will cover his maintenance if he agrees to refund over a period of months when he gets a job or his old one back.
I believe that because I have my own salary and because he is unemployed now, that he shouldn't have to pay much .
He flouting the public health emergency response instructions with his girlfriend is terrible but to effectively choose her over the kids is particularly cold I thought.

Part of me believes that they need one another though. He has lost everything since he left us.. his family and the few friends he had have really distanced themselves from him because of his affair/ effect on kids etcetera , so I feel a bit sorry for him truth be told.

Wow. Harsh for you, but I can see where he’s coming from, especially as children moving between their two homes is still allowed. It makes sense from his POV. £150 a week is a lot to take from him if he’s only getting £275 a week, and he could care for his children fine if he did his share himself.

Do your children know the girlfriend? Is she a key worker still out and about or is she wfh and only going to the shops and her partner’s house?

This is what the child maintenance calculator says he should pay. HTH.

We are not legally separated yet but work well as coparents and he pays approx £200 week maintenance for our three kids as they live with me 80% of the time.

It doesn't sound like he can afford to pay you £800 a month anymore. Of course he should still pay something but that's a huge amount of money for someone who's unemployed. Even if you cut it to £150 a week that's still £600 per month.

Why can't he see his children? The government have specifically said travel between parents' homes is okay. I think telling him he has to pick between his girlfriend and his kids is really unfair, sorry.

I agree he certainly cannot pay that maintenance and I am
Happy for him To postpone payments. What I am not moving on is him having his girlfriend living with him while she has family/ colleagues and then attending shops etc still in contact .
They are flouting the instructions and putting the kids and me at risk not
To mention themselves and her family:colleagues etc.
I have no problem With 50/50 , in fact it would work very well , but not while my exh and his girlfriend
go between each other's homes.
Sorry but I think that's utterly selfish and irresponsible.ive sacrificed so much, like the majority of the country ,to protect the kids and myself , to enable the virus to
Encroach on our lives through cross infection specifically by a couple
Who think they are above restrictions in the interest of their Families and public health.
My children do not know she exists as she was his affair partner until he left some months ago and things are delicate enough between him and our teenager as it stands. She refuses to go near him.

Thanks @BammBamm !

Any other opinions or ideas please

For the protection of your DC, I wouldn't have them going there because him/his GF are not observing the NHS guidelines.

Obviously he can't afford the full maintenance right now, so you need to agree on something there.

Thanks

You mention the £150 'maintennance'is mortgage. Is the house still in joint names? Is this his share of a joint mortgage or just your mortgage payment? If he is still in the mortgage he should absolutely still pay his half of that u less you come to some agreement of loaning him the difference to be paid either when we gets a job again or the house is sold. He should not be able to claim half a house he is not paying for.

On the kids front no I think I would keep them away too - that said what if she moves in with him and they lockdown together? If she still has to work then you can't say she can't leave the house then so that alter that argument. I'd probably not go 50:50 unless you were prepared for that co tinue afterwards but I'm not sure you can stop him seeing them unless their are specific health risks - kids going between parents were specifically excluded from lockdown for a reason.

I think you are saying you don’t mind him reducing the maintenance payments by postponing them and giving it to you later. He should pay a reduced amount based on his current earnings and how much the kids are staying with him. The payments would increase when his income increases. There is no postponing.

I think it’s fair enough to keep the kids at home if he is not social distancing but then if his girlfriend isn’t going anywhere than his house then the risk is probably low.

The last thing I want is to keep the children from their Dad.
However he continues to flout the lock down rules for his own selfish interests and is putting us at risk . He has chosen not to lockdown and frankly Im really really surprised and very upset for the kids . The advice for co parenting is for the norm
To continue , not to introduce a new person with plenty of contact into one of the households
Financially, I will be ok and will possibly end up subbing him for the mortgage ( half of which is my part of the maintenance ) until this fiasco passed.

To add, he has been working until very recently and has told
Me that one of his colleagues, whose phone he uses regularly , has just been tested for symptoms . He still
Can't see any problem in not observing lockdown because he feels lonely and needs support .

You're not even legally separated yet ... makes it sound like this is a fairly recent split, yet he already has a girlfriend he can't live without?

yikes.

I'd be unhappy with her coming and going, too. He shouldn't be introducing them to a girlfriend early in a relationship anyways, and under the current pandemic circumstances, he's actually endangering the health and safety of your children by doing so. Even if she's not there when they are.

I'd stand firm. He needs to pull himself together and put his children first. He can skype his girlfriend if he needs 'comfort' . his children need him more than he wants her.

He has chosen to spend the time
With her but is upset because he won't see the kids for a couple of weeks .He thinks he can have his cake and
Eat it . He is also upset because I continue to get paid by my work so
He thinks that I Should not take
Any money from Him for the kids. Should my financial situation determine his maintenance? I have already told him that I am Happy to postpone payment and I will meet half the mortgage( it's part of the maintenance and I'm afraid he will default)!
I agree completely with you that he is putting us at risk for the sake of a relationship of a few months .

Please Tell me if I am being selfish and
unreasonable here . I can rear the children on my own financially but that's not the point of maintenance is it?

He cant pay what he doesnt have ffs 🙄 there are going to be lots of people in this situation where CM cant be paid. What do you suggest people do in this never seen before in our lifetime???

Is the GF a key worker? Is she apart from seeing your stbexh not seeing anyone else? I I think this makes a difference as if she isnt seeing anyone else then the chances of passing anything on is low

I am a key worker in the nhs. Should my husband not see his DD because of this?

Why do you keep saying postponing payments?

If you went through CMS and his salary took his a nosedive, you would just get less money. They wouldn't expect him to pay it back later.

You live in the same household
Though ! She has her own family and minder who she still has contact with when she isn't with him. She is a visitor to my exh house.
To the best of my knowledge, there should not be any visitors to any home except for members of that household . Open to correction.
Money is not a big problem but is it fair for him not to reimburse if I'm meeting half the mortgage repayments until this mess
Ends .
I don't know what she does. He doesn't want me to know her name or her work but I do know she has a family and a minder .

We didn't go through cms. We have our own arrangements

@vanillandhoney

Completely agree. There would be no expectation for this money to be paid back if though the CMS.

Tbh you sound like youre looking for an excuse for the DC not to be im her company. What do the children actually want in this?. Assuming they are old enough to have a voice.

What do you mean a minder??

How do you know she still has contact with her family when you dont even know what she does for a living

We didn't go through cms. We have our own arrangements

I know that, but you're placing unfair pressure on him imo.

He has lost his job and so his income has dropped significantly, yet you still expect him to pay the same level of maintenance. Even if you went through the CMS they wouldn't expect that.

When he's earning again, his payments can go back up again, but not to include back payments from when his income was lower.