Need advice daughter contact with dad

[Qwertygert]

Hi people

Not AIBU but no idea where else to put it as doesnt really fit the other forums.

I have my DD who is 10. I currently have 50/50 share with her dad. Recently she has been wanting to stay at mine more. I live with DH and we have his SC over some nights a week too. She has said she prefers the vibe here more. She has a good relationship with her dad but I bit more strained due to different parenting. We are just generally chill and laugh a lot. I also think there is just more life naturally in a house with more people in it. This obviously is not her dads fault at all as he just has not found the right person yet. This routine has been in place for 7 years now. I am working from home and DH and her dad are both key workers (minimal contact with people) so we are spending way more time together so I just think the bond we have is growing and is not helping!

I have tried reminding her her dad loves her very much, I have talked them through some arguments they have had (she is a mini me with her attitude so given her dad pointers about not telling her to do things but asking her etc as she responds better with mutual respect and he is doing this now) to try and make things a bit easier. We still see her dad a lot (well pre lockdown now it is just hand overs)

My problem is she insists she doesn't want to be there as much/at all and I know she is safe and once she is there she is fine. Her dad knows she favours me (which I reasure him is a little normal but remind him she still loves and cares for him) I am not sure if she has a case of FOMO now too? We try and do fun things and having SC she might worry on what she misses? (Though orginally if SD slept over a few days in a row then she used to want to stay at her dads but now she has bonded more with her so they get on canny and I think with lockdown she is enjoying the company more)

I just dont know what to do! She has an amazing bond with DH and they never bicker so I don't think that helps the situation either! Do I sit down and tell her dad and see about changing contact or get her to suck it up and hope that she sees sense and continue as we are? I am honestly at a loss and don't want to hurt her dad or come between them for her future relationship!

This has been mentioned a few times before lockdown too but now it has happened she has just got worse with it!

Anyone? x

In the current circumstances I wouldn't insist that she moves between households as it causes unnecessary risk. But under normal circumstances it's a tricky one as she's only 10. My daughter decided at the age of 16 that she wanted to see her dad less and at that age I let her decide. Maybe talk to your ex about slightly reduced access to take into account her feelings?

I think in general she needs to keep seeing her dad a significant amount but perhaps shift to yours being the accepted permanent home and she goes to his a day or two in the week and every other weekend; I think this needs to be agreed with her dad between you and him rather than on her terms, while at 10 you should take children’s wishes into account I think she’s too young to decide on contact arrangements and she’s too young to understand the potential long term effect on her relationship with her dad if she reduces the contact too much. 50:50 arrangements can be quite hard on kids and it’s not unusual for them to get to a point where they want one more permanent base

If he was frontline staff I would deffo keep her in but he is tucked away in a back office so no more risk than me going to the shops.

She has already skipped monday night which I explained to her dad as I think her routine was off as he was off work. With him being back today he will be coming past ours to get home so can get her at the usual time.

She is rediculously mature for 10 (made the error of treating her as an adult now I live with someone more mature than me some days) but I do think it is too young to make big decisions. I will talk it through with her dad and maybe see about her dropping week day nights whilst this is happening but then that drops to every other weekend only and I think he will be gutted. It is so hard because I still really care for him and his feelings and he is a really good dad (even if he makes some mistakes with her but does listen when I turn up to defuse the situation and takes the advise I give on board)

Thank you x

Currently she sleeps every mon/wed/thurs and every other sat.

I have her sun/tues/fri every other Saturday.

The thurs we sort of split where I have her until 7ish and she slept there because of my work patterns.

I think that’s a difficult split and interrupts her week. Can you not do it in chunks? It will get very disruptive for homework when she is at secondary school. I would see if you can negotiate a different pattern.

I would also be careful about doing exactly what your DD wants. You give the impression she rules the roost and no 10 year old is mature enough to appreciate every aspect of this. I think there is also value in her accepting her Dad for what he is. Life isn’t fun and games all the time. If there was a different pattern of visits, could her dad take her out more? Visit his relatives perhaps? You also need to persuade her that his style of parenting is just as valid as yours. Some people don’t have a chilled house (no rules much?) and prefer a more organised life where DC don’t just do what they want when they want.

She doesn’t spend 2 nights in a row at the same place - no wonder this is bringing it all out

That schedule is the problem it’s time to place her in the centre and figure out what she wants

I would be wary of letting her cut back on the relationship now if there's no real reason for it. Every other weekend is just really not much time at all for a proper parenting relationship.

As pp said, larger chunks with less back and forth might be better. Also help her speak to her dad- you won't do him any favours by sparing his feelings, and we should be able to be honest with the people that we love.

No 10 year old however mature you think she is can truly appreciate the gravity of this situation, and honestly I wouldn’t be letting her decide she’s only 10 and what you’ve written above makes it sound like she rules the roost and your relationship with her is more a friendship as opposed to a parent/child relationship with boundaries which it sounds like dad has with her.

Given he’s not a frontline I would keep contact the same but I would find an easier way of structuring it. The time table you have is all over the place, something with bigger chunks would be better.

I guess it used to work when she was smaller. We live a few minutes away from each other so made sense and also my work pattern means I will possibly have to look at changing to a differentworking pattern as I start early 3 days a week and cannot leave her in the house alone that long and breakfast clubs at school don't open until 8 (at work for 8am) which is why the split is as it is. I guess it sounds like we need to look at reorganising and getting a flexible working request in after covid is all over.

She deffo does not rule the roost though. She knows her limits in the house here. She in generally really well behaved. No temper tantrums/arguments/does all her school work without being prompted. Helps around the house when asked. She eats all her tea and is not cheeky. She is a dream here. I take her opinions into consideration but she is very aware I have the final say.

The every other weekend is fine but just not sure the best split. It i put her at the centre of the decision she would choose to be here 100% of the time which is why I am open to suggestions from people.

Putting her at the centre isn’t letting her choose OP it’s letting her have a schedule that means she doesn’t have to go backwards and forwards every day allowing her time to settle
Have you thought it’s not picking you as much as saying she wants to spend more than one night in a row somewhere

I would also like to confirm I am probably the sticter parent out of the two of us. He is more likely to shout. I discuss situations. I have rules in the house. You need them when you have 3 kids (DD and 2 SC) but with my DH shifts we do not work a usual 9-5 shift which if we did life would be so much easier.

I will speak to her dad today and her and see what will work. I am happy for bigger chunks in one house at a time. I knew that as she got older she would need a change with routine especially with secondary school as she will have so many books etc to take to school.

I do appreciate peoples opinions. I guess we have just been in this routine for so long I didn't take a step outside the box to look at it subjectively!

OP - do you have a Court Order in place? My kids (9 and 12) have been 50/50 with my (narcissistic) ex for 6 years.
A few weeks' ago he told me I would not be seeing them "for the forseeable future." Reasons he cited were that I am 31 weeks' pregnant with fiancé's baby and that eldest didn't wish to return (because he has scared him very badly).

I applied for Urgent Hearing and judge ruled for their return.

Any questions just ask x

PS. Ours is week on, week off.

So your ex should be aware that his shouting is a factor in the relationship with his DD. That should be part of the discussion. Together with working hours and how her care fits into that. Flexibility in the arrangements might be key.

Nah no court order. It is really amicable between us. I don't take any maintenece since DH moved in as I didn't need his money and wanted him to have more spare cash to be able to take DD on holiday etc

Our set up is generally great. He still comes around for sunday dinner with us all. We go out for trips together as an extended family. Cinema etc he was also one of the very few guests at our wedding. We just fell out of love and split up but remain good friends.

I know it sounds weird to some but it is really chill with us all!

She maybe feels a little transient; every day moving between a different house. Even though it's a few minutes away each of her two homes has a different vibe, different rules, different expectations. It's obviously not working for her, as she is telling you she'd like to be with you more. Her dad should be able to accept this if he is an understanding person.

Maybe it would be better if she went EOW to her dads, or a couple of nights in the week if shifts get in the way.

I don't see why you can't have a good bond in that situation; it's about quality not quantity.

I missed the bit about shouting. Not good and will make a 10 year old child alone with that person feel very vulnerable.

I know we've all shouted at our kids, but as they get bigger, generally we shouldn't need to, as they understand reasoning!

@BubblesBuddy yeah I have explained this. In our house if there is an accident the kids know they will not be shouted at as they did not do it on purpose. At her dads he does shout or berate her for being clumsy etc (as does SD's mum to be fair) we only really tell them off if they are not listening to us etc

He is working on getting better with this. I had to go around the other week as he wouldn't give her space to calm down which resulted in her getting hysterical and trying to leave the house. He used to do the same with me if we argued. Would want to talk about it then and wouldn't let me take 5 mins to calm down (I have a short temper so need that time to get myself in check so I don't say anything I will regret as I learned in my 20s I can be a total arse and worked a lot on mellowing out over the last 10 years) He now agrees he cannot just take things off her without a warning or refuse to let her go on her own to get her thoughts together so he is making steps forward.

I think you definitely need to look at bigger chunks of time at each house. She is never really settled anywhere. She is probably spending all of the time at her Dad's waiting to come back to you. She needs time to settle there.

I had never really thought of that. I feel like a bit of a shitty mum not thinking about it all like this. Our lives are very much to a schedule for work and SC being able to sleep over depending on DH shifts and their commitments with mums I guess I have not taken a step back.

I am also aware there are big changes with having the SC over which I have acknowledged as I made these decisions to marry again. You just constantly worry you are going to fuck your child up! Well I do ha

I came from a really crappy childhood and want DD to have a lovely life where she is not scared like I was!

Can I just say how lovely that you have managed to maintain a friendship with you ex. My friend has this with her ex even though they don't have children together! Their extended families are interwoven so she sees him often. They divorced 25 years ago, she remarried and has 1 Sc and 2 DC of her own.

I agree that the one night here one night there might need looking at, especially thinking about secondary school and how that will work with travel to school. I think it is really important to maintain a close relationship with her Dad. For children of non-divorced parents they don't get a choice

Agree both with bigger chunks of time at each house and not having DD dictate things at only 10, regardless of how mature she is. If there are no safety or welfare concerns, Court would be unimpressed with a unilateral reduction in F's time with DD. As near to equal with each parent is preferred, where there aren't work or safety issues etc.

OP, you sound like a lovely, thoughtful mum.

For what it's worth I agree with the posters suggesting bigger chunks are probably needed rather than reducing contact time but you shouldn't beat yourself up for not thinking about that - everyone needs a sounding board to see the wood for the trees when you've been in a routine for so long! It'll probably take some time to adjust to for everyone too if you can come up with a different plan.

It's really nice that you and your ex are so amicable and that you're being so considerate of his feelings and fair minded about him too. It's probably the best gift you can give your DD and it does take two so we'll done to both of you!