Need advice daughter contact with dad

[Qwertygert]

Hi people

Not AIBU but no idea where else to put it as doesnt really fit the other forums.

I have my DD who is 10. I currently have 50/50 share with her dad. Recently she has been wanting to stay at mine more. I live with DH and we have his SC over some nights a week too. She has said she prefers the vibe here more. She has a good relationship with her dad but I bit more strained due to different parenting. We are just generally chill and laugh a lot. I also think there is just more life naturally in a house with more people in it. This obviously is not her dads fault at all as he just has not found the right person yet. This routine has been in place for 7 years now. I am working from home and DH and her dad are both key workers (minimal contact with people) so we are spending way more time together so I just think the bond we have is growing and is not helping!

I have tried reminding her her dad loves her very much, I have talked them through some arguments they have had (she is a mini me with her attitude so given her dad pointers about not telling her to do things but asking her etc as she responds better with mutual respect and he is doing this now) to try and make things a bit easier. We still see her dad a lot (well pre lockdown now it is just hand overs)

My problem is she insists she doesn't want to be there as much/at all and I know she is safe and once she is there she is fine. Her dad knows she favours me (which I reasure him is a little normal but remind him she still loves and cares for him) I am not sure if she has a case of FOMO now too? We try and do fun things and having SC she might worry on what she misses? (Though orginally if SD slept over a few days in a row then she used to want to stay at her dads but now she has bonded more with her so they get on canny and I think with lockdown she is enjoying the company more)

I just dont know what to do! She has an amazing bond with DH and they never bicker so I don't think that helps the situation either! Do I sit down and tell her dad and see about changing contact or get her to suck it up and hope that she sees sense and continue as we are? I am honestly at a loss and don't want to hurt her dad or come between them for her future relationship!

This has been mentioned a few times before lockdown too but now it has happened she has just got worse with it!

We are lucky to have the bond we do which is why I know he is a good dad and she is so lucky to have a dad who loves and wants to be with her and I want her to understand her bond with him is important (I grew up without a dad and wouldn't wish it on any child if it is avoidable)

Her secondary school is within walking distance from both our houses. As is her primary school so that has never been an issue. We both bought houses close to them to ensure ease for her and us.

I have just had a chat about spending bigger chunks and she said this wouldn't really be her choice as she prefers the routine we have if she has to keep the 50/50. I have asked what is happening with her and why she is feeling like this and she says she just prefers it here which I get but there is no reasons behind it so not like I can back her up as I have said if there are no reasons just liking something more is not really a valid point! I have said we will need to have a proper conversation all three of us to work forward for it.

There are deffo no concerns on her dads behalf.

I honestly feel like I hitting my head of a brick wall.

OP would it be a good idea to move to 60/40 70/30 in these times allow her to have a base to settle at and not feel she is breaking lockdown each time

And OP are you sure there are no concerns its just in your posts you have mentioned that they argue, he shouts and she got hysterical because he wouldnt give her space, he takes things off her without warning as well.

She is 10 she needs more than the above

Yeah I am thinking during lockdown might be best to go 5 nights here full weekend there until school just so there is less cross over?

Yeah that was the first time she got like that that I am aware of so maybe there is more but a lot of parents shout so maybe I am dismissing this more than I should? Since then he does allow her her space and knows to try and discuss things rather than raise his voice but it does seem this is her main issue from talking to her.

She is quite a dramatic human when she wants to be and she admits her attitude is worse at her dads than here. I never see it but she admits she thinks her dad doesn't get her 'humour' which to me translates to being a cheeky shit. I just don't get why she is different there?

Dont give up all your weekend there

I have no doubt that some of it is her its just I think that you feel guilty about having moved on when he hasnt and that you are still friends so you are letting him get away with his part in it - because its going to be both of them

See I know the time we get with me working from home will not be quality so I do worry that she might miss out quality time here if I do it!

I do still have some guilt as I was the one who ended it 8 years ago and have moved on whereas her dad has struggled/doesn't want to meet someone so I think some of it might be me worrying about him being alone!

I do think all three of us are gona have to come up with something that works better just not sure what that looks like! x

From my experience of her having no clear reason it sounds like she’s playing you both off against each other in all honesty, to get her own way which I can imagine in her eyes is living with the ‘better’ parent. Better being that her life seems easier with you and by easier I mean from what you’ve posted she gets her own way far more. I would take what she says about her dad and shouting, confiscating items with a pinch of salt for now.

It’s okay to shout sometimes, it’s not nice but dad is human and not infallible after all these things happen (I it’s all day every day then that’s different but given what you said about him taking advice on board regarding space then I doubt it’s all the time) I do agree with you when you say about him not getting her humour that translates to her being a cheeky or even very rude with him.

It sounds like dad is more strict despite you thinking you are and that she isn’t happy with his boundaries, all normal but to tackle this you and dad need to show a united front at all times and you need to be backing him 100% and ensuring you carry on hearing her out but in a age appropriate manner. It reads a little like you’re friends and not mother/daughter.

The crux of it is she is 10, she gets to put her opinions across but ultimately it’s up to you and her dad to decide on contact.

From a social care POV children do seem to thrive better with one home base, why not every other weekend Friday to Monday and some week time for dad? Kind of like,

Week 1 - tues, fri, sat, sun
Week 2 - tues, wed

She sounds sad and confused. Perhaps you involve her too much. Talk to her dad about splitting the week. She's hardly walked through the door at yours before shes counting down the time to return to dads. Then the same again! Where's the stability of a main home? She doesn't want to change the arrangements because that's her life. You do appear to put too much pressure on her.

OP I think you and her Dad need to come up with something that works for her. But I do think that the current situation isnt feasible certainly through lockdown and a more stable base is needed for her

What @atomicblonde30 said is spot on.

Ok firstly i can guarantee she does not get away with more here. She is just generally well behaved here so I have no NEED to do anything if much. If I ask her to do something it gets done. If I say no she knows that is the answer and doesn't push again.

I don't put much if anything on her. She has raised to me she doesn't want to be at her dads as much and I have not jumped to her request and cancelled time with her dad in fact I have told her that her dad loves her wants to spend time with her.

I have taken onboard peoples comments about times she stays but I do not jave the luxuary of a 9-5 job so shift patterns come into it also which will take time and planning and once a flexible work request does go in it is fixed for 12 months so I need to make sure it is right for all.

She does not play us off against each other. She knows I have her dads back and we discuss things and I have raised with him about the shouting which he is working on adapting with her. I am not the saint all the time I just have no NEED to shout as she generally listens. Doesn't give me cheek. I tell her all the time to respect her dad and if I get any cheek from her all I need to do is point it out and she apologises. She doesn't seem to have that respect for her dad and I am not sure how I make her have it?

I make it clear that we are not 'friends' she knows I am her mum and that what I say goes in this house.

It is amazing how people assume things.

She is not sad she is just happier in my home which she does see at her main home. My house is bigger and generally just calmer and she is happy here so I don't know what I can do to change that? I am not at her dads all the time to observe the behaviours all I can do is listen to her and take her view into consideration. But if I put a different pattern in and she hates that more what do I do then?

Also her dad admits he does shout more at her, does take things off her without warning but is working on changing that. Though this is something we have discussed for a good few years. He sees her as someone who should do as she is told like he was as a child. This is not made up stories from a child trying to manipulate me as I know the second she tries to lie as she has a million tells and she is called out on it if I even slightly suspect it!

I think you do need to face up to the concerns about how her Dad is and how he is with her particularly as she is getting older - her not liking to be there isnt just something she is doing to get attention - coupled with as myself and other posters have said the current situation is not ideal for a social care point of view of her not having a base.

Both of these issues need to be raised and a better contact plan found probably more based on a 9/5 split allow her some room going forward for secondary school

How do friends coming round work?

I think maybe just split the week up differently. But don't beat yourself up about it. My DD is just 7 and we do a week a bit similar to yours and actually because it means her dad can do drop offs at school and I can do pick ups because of starting early it really does work.
It just may be whilst you're in this period of lockdown it seems much more going backwards and forwards than if school was the natural break.

Have a chat with her dad and see what plan you can come up with for this period and then review it when lockdown is over.

@Quartz2208 that is my worry that their relationship is not going to fair well if he does continue as she will be old enough to make her own mind up and I really do not want that. I think the contrast between DH and her dad is apparent too. We never argue or fall out so I think she sees that as well which doesn't help the situation?

Yeah it was originally for school drop offs/pick ups. I know it needs to change as from the sounds of it it is disruptive for her even though she is used to it. I just wish when I mention longer stints she was looking forward to being at her dads rather than asking not to go at all

She has no stability in her living arrangements. Back and forth like a yo-yo. I suspect part of her desire to spend more time with you is just to stop all this, and allow her to relax at home without having to think about where she will be the next day and what the rules are there.

I really think that’s the part that needs to be worked on first, and see how she gets on with larger chunks of time with you both.

Now, while your working from home, is the ideal tune to try out a different routine before you have to ask work for a new work pattern. Give it a go. She never has a chance to get into her groove and just be if she’s moving around all the time.

Fab cheers ladies. Some really good thinking points and I do think with the lockdown and being here so much it is a good time to try it out and get some planning for September! x

I wasn’t assuming anything, merely giving a perspective different from yours based on your posts.

It might be handy to remember if she is so good at yours then it’s possible she’s taking out her frustrations/bad moods on her dad? This could be why he feels he has to take things away or gets cross with her, of course it could also be that the pair of your just have very different parenting styles and your daughter is struggling with this. All very normal behaviour.

She may be struggling with feelings of divided loyalties also, very normal even if parents are very amicable. The home base sounds like it would benefit her immensely so she has more structure to her life, obviously shift patterns are an issue like you’ve said so it may be that you can’t implement plans as soon as you’d like but working from home means you could trial something different.

Sometimes children struggle and just need someone to tell them what to do you know? She is only 10 after all, still very very young.

I would get dad on side with the change in contact then tell her together you’ll be trialling something new and seeing how it goes.

PP said to not involve her as much with adult conversations and I’m sure you haven’t but if not then that’s also very good advice.

Personally, I'd chat with dad privately, decide on a new thing and go to your DD with what you're going to try. Or potentially chat privately about two options and let your DD decide which one to trial first. You give her some input but without her being involved in the (understandably) tricky adult conversation.

Just a thought, but is she worried about periods and being at dad's, especially if there's no other female there?

I think whilst lockdown is going on it will be hard to implement anything different as she has to be here during the day. He has my car so night times he can pick her up and drop her on mornings which is a bit more like our usual routine. I think the fact I have been off work for an extended time (WRS) has also impacted as she has gotten used to coming back here after school every day rather than to her dads. She left fine today so not sure if she is just a lazy shit and it is just the effort it takes.

We talked about secondary school together with her dad and agreed that when it comes along we might need a rejig which she seemed ok with.

It might be periods. Plus hormones. She is 11 in a few months and has a lot of hair in places and discharge etc and know her hormones are there. I had to explain discharge etc to her dad and how it doesn't mean she needs to wash more it is her body doing her thing so perhaps it could be to do with that. I have said he will need a bathroom bin etc that will need emptied so I am trying to educate him

I think the contact arrangements you have need looking at - poor thing never spends more than 24h in one place!

I'd hate that as an adult, let alone as a 10yo. But any discussion you have needs to be with her dad - don't bring her into it yet, it's not fair to involve her in that kind of decision making.

I know in y5-6 my DD1 changed a lot! It was like meeting a child who had eaten a wasp when she came out of school! However she was perfect at school. I discovered that she needed food! Immediately upon being collected. All the hormone changes seemed to translate into needing very regular food. Anything is worth a try so is she getting food from dad early enough? I had to take a snack in the car when I met DD. They do go through changes in personality and certainly don’t behave the same towards everyone.

Really helpful there @vanillandhoney thanks. Kick a girl when she is already down. As I have mentioned we will look at a different arrangement which works for her. It is not like she is a sad child and has never voiced an issue before this. Also when talking to her she says she likes the fact she sees us the way she does she just wants to see me more. Apparently she doesn't think I as much of a shitty mum as you do! Please do tell me what routine you think is best and I will sort it. Obviously what you like is what will work for her right?

@BubblesBuddy she has free access to snacks/food. She has just come out of a growth spurt so was eating everything and is back to picking but not wanting loads. She is also getting the stage where she is wanting to cook so having her in the kitchen with us to do so. She makes a mean supernoodle feast We are lucky to get three meals a day in her this week whereas a week ago she would eat every half hour! She has just started to mature loads and is really upset with no school and the lack of normality so not sure if she just feels more secure her. Certainly not my little baby who started year 6! She is the eldest out of the kids too and I have to remind her it doesn't mean she has to act the oldest she is still just a child!

Raally helpful there @vanillandhoney thanks. Kick a girl when she is already down. As I have mentioned we will look at a different arrangement which works for her.

Hang on a minute, that's really unnecessary.

Plenty of other people have said exactly the same at me, but nobody else got their head bitten off.