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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my FIL

34 replies

nsav · 30/03/2020 15:28

Hi everyone

I currently am 23 weeks pregnant and social distancing as I have severe asthma and took immunosuppressants routinely until I fell pregnant. I would be certain to die if I contracted COVID-19 and after having a terrible asthma attack on Friday, I’m absolutely dreading the health of myself and my baby!

Me and DP have the keys to our house but can’t move in as our carpet fitter has been delayed (obv - and we have no carpet in the house just now).

We currently stay with DPs family - DP mum, 1 teenage sister, 2 early teenage brothers, and DP mums boyfriend of 3 years. We don’t stay in the house but in an outbuilding in the garden that DP built. It’s basically a bedroom attached to his office in the garden. This makes us sound posh but we’re not 😂

DP mum has severe asthma too and is also not working just now.

DP mums boyfriend has just left to get on a ferry and go to an island to work for the next week even though the whole house are isolating. He’s not a key worker. We have told him numerous times that we are very annoyed due to being high risk and to go to his elderly mothers when he’s back. He says no because they’re in their 70s and high risk - SO ARE WE!! He stopped his 2 children coming round last weekend and has told SIL she can’t go see her boyfriend due to the possibility of him bringing it in to the family. We’re on lockdown now so that doesn’t matter much, he’s just hypocritical.

He isn’t registered at the house so it’s not his house but DP mum isn’t actually displaying how annoyed she is. DP has gone through him like a tonne of bricks how he’s endangering all of our lives - high risk or not.

AIBU to be absolutely livid that he’s endangering our lives like this?!

OP posts:
Original poster
nsav · 30/03/2020 15:31

And please note like I’ve said on previous threads as much as it is my mother in laws house, my partner and I pay rent, the electric bill, do our own shopping and we are both available for the kids when they need lifts home from school or to visit friends etc (we live quite rural). I don’t know if I’ve got the right to be really annoyed as it’s not my house.

OP posts:
Notajogger · 30/03/2020 15:32

Obviously you're not BU.
Why not just move into the new place? It may not have carpets but it's better than nothing. Leave your big stuff to move after carpets are sorted.

IceKitten · 30/03/2020 15:33

It's not just key workers who are going to work at the moment. Anyone whose company is still open for work and who is unable to work from home is still expected to go to work. If he doesn't work, he may well not have a job when this is over and it will be hard to get one.

I do get why you're worried but he's not being unreasonable to go to work, sorry.

Original poster
nsav · 30/03/2020 15:38

@notajogger we currently have no bathroom suite or kitchen in the house, it’s stripped back to the carcass of the house. Thankfully we have the new suite and kitchen sitting in the house in boxes - once DP and co install these it might be an idea

@icekitten he’s actually self employed with his own business but also works freelance for the company with whom he’s going with, he could just have declined the work. It’s funny that his boss has been paid for 11 days but thinks he’ll FIL will have it done in 5 days, so the people wanting the job done has paid his boss for 11 days while he’s only getting paid for 5, not that that would justify it at all!

OP posts:
Couchbettato · 30/03/2020 15:47

You should be shielding really.

That means isolating yourself within the house, preferably with your own bedroom and bathroom with no one coming in and no one going out and bringing the virus back in.

He is incredibly selfish, you're not being unreasonable but just telling him that he's selfish and unreasonable doesn't seem like it will change his behaviour. MIL needs to grow a back bone really and tell him to find lodgings elsewhere. If he doesn't, then you'll need shielding.

WickedlyPetite · 30/03/2020 15:48

I understand why you're worried but he's self employed and we're not privy to his finances, so I'm going to say he's not unreasonable to be going to work.

It's your DP's mums house and she's ok with it.

The most obvious solution is that you move into your own house.

You initially said you can't move in because it has no carpets. Your DP could get enough of the bathroom suite and enough of the kitchen fitted that you could move in before your FIL is home, if he pulled his finger out his arse and stopped playing computer games every night till 3am of course.

Original poster
nsav · 30/03/2020 15:56

@WickedlyPetite this would’ve been an extra job along with his self employed role. He owns his own maintenance company but also is freelance with a company - it’s the company that he’s going with. Not part of his usual income and would just be extra cash. He makes mega bucks regardless. She’s not okay with it at all, but she isn’t as annoyed as I would be if it was my partner! She’s upset but he’s kind of guilt tripping her saying how much they need the money. They don’t need the money, and as she said regardless if it’s an extra £500/£1000 would you rather have £1k and a dead partner or not make extra cash and have a healthy partner?

DP has been putting in 14 hour shifts at the new house trying to sort it all out. We didn’t know that FIL was going until literally last night (he’s gone today) so DP has been sorting the wiring in the house, fixing the lights, and had to rip the entire house apart tbh because the previous owner is disgusting and decided to leave all of his rubbish all over the house! Some people... Grin we then had to rip out the kitchen the other night because the owner hadn’t actually cleaned it in the 9 years he owned it, after pulling this out the wiring was faulty and needed sorting. Thank god he’s an electrician Grin

OP posts:
Josette77 · 30/03/2020 16:24

That's not a ton of extra money. He obviously feels they need it.

SharonasCorona · 30/03/2020 16:27

YANBU. He should fuck off to a hotel.

It’s not clear what’s been decided, OP? Will your MIL refuse to let him in the house? Does he have a key?

ECBC · 30/03/2020 16:29

He’s being selfish but if I had to choose between risking my life by staying there or living in a shell of a house, I’d move in to your new house

Original poster
nsav · 30/03/2020 16:30

@Josette77 the thing is... he doesn’t! Normally people don’t share financial information, but DPs mum has told us before how much he makes in a year and it’s an eye watering amount. Even for a million pounds I wouldn’t risk the health and life of my loved ones. DP mum could stop working and they’d still be able to live very comfortably. We live in a place in Scotland where cost of living is cheap

OP posts:
Josette77 · 30/03/2020 16:32

Ah, gotcha. In that case he needs to stop. If I were you I"d move into your home now even if it's in shambles.

Original poster
nsav · 30/03/2020 16:32

@SharonasCorona he left this morning! I’m not sure but I hope she does, and I’m sure he does have a key.

@ECBC I think I’m going to! I’m going to speak to DP when he gets back later and see what he says.

I don’t know what the actual outcome was of the conversation last night when my DP spoke to him. If he’s going to stay at his parents for 14 days or what. They’re high risk but so are we, it’s certain whos lives he values more

OP posts:
Original poster
nsav · 30/03/2020 16:33

@Josette77 I think we’re going to. He only left today so won’t be back until next Monday. Hopefully we will have the toilet etc in the house so we can consider moving there

OP posts:
diddl · 30/03/2020 16:46

What good do you think your husband will have done shouting the odds when his mum will just let the guy back in?

Hopefully you'll get your house sorted enough to move to before he comes back. That's all you can do.

WeGoHigh · 30/03/2020 16:51

YANBU, but I'd just use the time he's away to have your DP make your house habitable - carpets don't matter, just the absolute basics. To be honest, with the amount of people living there, it doesn't seem like the ideal place for you right now - I know you said you're in an outbuilding, but guessing you still go to the house to shower/cook/go to the toilet etc anyway?

TealWater · 30/03/2020 17:21

So you are not married and you are living with his mum who has a boyfriend. It sounds like a real mess and not one I'd bring a child into, there is no commitment anywhere in that dysfunctional situation and I'd get the hell out of there asap. You are not being unreasonable to be annoyed at your boyfriend's mum's boyfriend but it is her property you are living on, so you really can't complain.

Cohle · 30/03/2020 17:29

Realistically that's the problem with relying on family for accommodation. It's not your house and it's not your rules.

All you can do is isolate from them as best you can. It's obviously shit though.

ambereeree · 30/03/2020 17:31

Go to your own house. Carpets or not.

Original poster
nsav · 30/03/2020 17:34

@TealWater ummmm what? We are temporarily living with them until our house gets carpets put down. What should I do, tell her to go and get married to make the situation less messy? Wtf? 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
nsav · 30/03/2020 17:38

@Cohle tell me about it! I would have never expected this from him, he’s being going on for 3 weeks now about the death toll and how scary it is and how much he misses his other kids and his mum and dad. You’d think he would want this over with ASAP so he can see his family again. (His children live with their mum)

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LannieDuck · 30/03/2020 17:47

Could you get some rugs as a temporary substitute for carpets?

QueenArseClangers · 30/03/2020 18:25

Is this the MIL who expects you to feed her kids/take them everywhere? The woman who ripped up your 20 week scan photo?

Ohtherewearethen · 30/03/2020 18:59

They’re high risk but so are we, it’s certain whos lives he values more

This is a such a spiteful comment. He's known your boyfriend and his mum for three years and his parents his whole life! You are right to be concerned about him coming and going but to try to insist he goes to his elderly parents' house as you're at risk too is exceptionally selfish of you. Listen to yourself!
You have a week to get the house ready. Surely you can help your boyfriend and get some jobs done there. Otherwise try to rent somewhere short-term/Air bnb but I can't see it being much safer there. You can't have everything your own way when you live in someone else's house I'm afraid.

Original poster
nsav · 30/03/2020 20:19

@QueenArseClangers yep, her!

@Ohtherewearethen wouldn’t call it spiteful, it’s just putting it into the wider picture that he will protect his mum and dad but not us? He lives with us and sees us everyday. Considering he isn’t yet registered as living here, and we pay the rent I think we have the right to safety, no? Anyway, MIL is trying to speak to him again while he is away and explain that he can either stay in our empty house or at his mums house for 14 days. I can’t help my partner much as I have SPD and tendonitis so I can’t bend down, climb stairs, or stretch at all. I’ve done all I can to help him and ended up having an asthma attack in the house and was bed bound for 2 days

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