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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want DH to take the baby just because?

62 replies

Secretlifeofme · 29/03/2020 13:06

Sorry if the title is unclear. We have a lovely five month old DD who is EBF. I don't know if I'm being a bit unreasonable here, because DH is generally great, cooks, does the dishes, unpacks and puts away shopping, just generally mucks in with everything around the house. But he will only ever take DD.in order for me to do something (have a shower, get dressed, do some work, etc). At all other times I seem to be the default parent.

I feel bad complaining, because often he leaves me looking after DD while he does housework. But sometimes I would just like him to take her, not so I can do anything particular but just because I would like a break, or because he wants to spend time with her! Does anyone get what I mean? AIBU to feel this way or should I suck it up given that he does lots of other stuff around the house instead?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/03/2020 13:48

The truth is they see it as Mum's job.

Absolute bollocks.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/03/2020 13:52

Just tell him "bath Time is your thing now" and give him a set bit of the day to do.

Or just whenever you are all together just stand up and Say "right, am off to do x,y,z. Give me a shout if you need me to nip back downstairs and feed her"

cherrybunx0 · 29/03/2020 13:54

@glue ossh ouch. fuck that being my life for 5 years - I'd figure if I was doing everything might as well be on me own anyway. unless you dont mind of course in which case as you were

Stefoscope · 29/03/2020 13:56

He sounds like a reasonable man, I'd just tell him you're going for a rest for an hour, so keep an eye on the baby. I expect as the baby gets older and able to interact more, he'll be a bit more proactive about spending time with her.

LittleBearPad · 29/03/2020 13:59

At 5 I’m still the default parent. And cook, cleaner, organiser, DIY person. It’s just how it is.

Wtf

How is it just how it is???

OP talk to your husband!

Parker231 · 29/03/2020 13:59

Just pass the baby to him - he’s a parent as well. Go out for a run, a walk or the shopping (I appreciate options are limited at the moment).

Bumpsadaisie · 29/03/2020 14:04

Of course we all know how all consuming it is to be a mum with a baby.

I often wonder what it must be like to be a man with a new baby. You have to step back and allow mum and baby to get totally involved in each other. I imagine this is hard but that for the majority of men it is something that they step up gladly to because they love their partner and baby.

But I guess maybe men find it hard to sort of claim the baby as their own. After all in early stages Mum and Baby is the main event.

Perhaps your DH isn't lazy or dim, maybe just needs some reassurance that you would love him to take the baby and have time with him/her.

I think if I were a man I might have found it hard to feel that there was a place for me to be with the baby "just because".

Perhaps your dh needs blessing and encouragement to think that he and baby too can be all loved up together and that you welcome and love this.

n00bMaster69 · 29/03/2020 14:06

I find it absolutely weird that women are feeling bad about wanting the father of their child to actually look after the child just because he does housework. Do you all not do housework as too?

Fresh01 · 29/03/2020 14:08

The midwife at our parenting class before we had DC1 said a great job for dad’s, especially if baby was breastfed, was bath time. So if he was home from work, varied over the years but 4/5 nights a week, he did bathtime. We had 4 babies in 6 years and yes at one stage that included bathing all 4. He enjoyed doing it and was always his time with them.

At weekends he would take the baby out in the pram for a walk after the first morning breastfeed so I could get more sleep or a shower in peace. Then this included taking toddler to the park with baby asleep in the pram. By the time we got to child no. 3, we took turns and each got up one morning at the weekend.

It is hard with child no. 1 not to always be entertaining them but it is good for them to learn to roll about a mat on their own for a short time. I always interacted with no. 1 and even now as a teenager she is the worst of the 4 at occupying herself.

percheron67 · 29/03/2020 14:09

You don't realise how lucky you are to have a husband who helps with the housework. Mine never changed a nappy, did any washing up or cleaning whatsoever. This was a while ago and, since finding Mumsnet I realise just how bad he was. Unfortunately, I was too trodden down to query it at the time. He wouldn't have got away with it now I can assure you.!

Onceateacher · 29/03/2020 14:10

She is not "lucky"

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/03/2020 14:14

No of course she’s not lucky. It’s great you’ve seen what you experienced was wrong percheron67, I’m assuming you only had one child with the useless twat and kicked him out. You presumably want better for other women?

Samtsirch · 29/03/2020 14:15

Is your husband frightened of the responsibility, he seems to be using avoidance tactics
Maybe spending time together with your daughter first would help him gain confidence in looking after her.

lostinthoughts · 29/03/2020 14:16

YANBU I felt exactly the same.
It will get easier

reliefistheword · 29/03/2020 14:17

@percheron67 it has nothing to do with being lucky. One really shouldn’t have such low expectations of men. A woman is not lucky if her husband looks after the baby. That is just his job just like it is hers.

Samtsirch · 29/03/2020 14:19

Also my husband was terrified of looking after our babies in case of doing something wrong.
As they grew he became invaluable to the children.
Not helpful to you now, I realise that, but just don’t give up on him, not just yet.

FortunesFave · 29/03/2020 14:32

I used to say "I'm clocking off...baby's yours until next feed!" and leg it!

Original poster

Secretlifeofme · 29/03/2020 14:36

I don't think I'm lucky, but I do think he does his share around the house. Sometimes I am like 'no, I'll do the washing, you look after the baby ' just so I can be away from her for a while (much as I love her of course!)

OP posts:

strawberrylipgloss · 29/03/2020 14:37

Yanbu

Thehop · 29/03/2020 14:39

We had this for a while.

I eventually said “you can’t possible know because you never have to say “can you please watch her whilst I”

He did also do a lot at hime and he really did more with her as she got older.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/03/2020 14:41

And so he should OP, you both live there, both eat, you especially need to eat well as you’re feeding. He doesn’t get a pass on babycare because he’s a normal decent man who does housework.

I can completely relate to wanting to get on with jobs using both your hands rather than with a baby on your hip. On Mother’s Day DH said he was going to bake a cake and I said I’d prefer to do it while he played with DD for a bit. I love baking and do a lot of it with on hand these days so it’s a treat to have time and arms to mess around in the kitchen and DH and DD loved reading her books and playing scary monsters for an hour. Win win.

You need to be honest about what you need and he needs to build his own relationship with your shared child, for all your sakes.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/03/2020 14:56

It's a misnomer to call women with helpful husbands "lucky".

Instead, women with unhelpful husbands are "unlucky" and should make steps to remedy that.

percheron67 · 29/03/2020 14:59

To all who answered, thank you. I most certainly want better for any Mum. The curious thing about my marriage was that my late ,lamented Father always helped my Ma a great deal! Why on earth I accepted such boorish behaviour from my husband was probably because I had been ground down for so long. IF I had realised what was happening and that it could only increase, I would have acted differently. It is some years since his death but, believe it or not, I still have flashbacks and am still recovering. Praise be to Mumsnet for showing older Mumsnetters that things can be so different.

shiningstar2 · 29/03/2020 15:08

I think it is very easy for women to somehow end up in the role of 'default' parent regardless of not planning it this way before the baby came along. Many men have seen this model in their family homes in different times and can subconsciously [and conveniently] fall into this model themselves if it isn't nipped in the bud early. Try to change it as though its the most natural thing in the world rather than getting into arguments which could set the tone for years with both feeling resentful if one is doing more parenting than the other and which could make small children feel/sense that time with them is not special but rather a chore to be argued over like other houshold chores.

I am ancient but I resolved to change this early on when I saw the positions we were slipping into. It needed a conscious effort to make changes. I was at home all day with the baby but definitely needed a break even though I wasn't doing any outside paid work. I started by first of all on evening when my husband came home from work acknowledging he looked exhausted and encouraging to have a lie down for an hour. He couldn't believe his luck Next night I handed him the baby and said I was shattered. I was taking a shower and going to read on the bed for an hour or two. He soon got the hang of it. If she had to be brought up for a feed during my off duty periods she was given straight back to him afterwards. I made it clear that whatever needed done for her during this time was his call.

I really think it's important to get this sorted op or what can happen is the attitude ...I'm just off to the gym, pub, cycling,golf ext ext with surprised expressed eg ...'what's the problem with this ...you weren't going out yourself were you'. It's hard sometimes for the out of house parent to grasp that just because you aren't going out you don't want to be isolated with the kids. Fair turns at each going out and free time in the house means you both enjoy the time with the kids because you both get to do other things.

Sorry for the long ramble. This staying in marlarkey is making me go on mumsnet more. But this is a good time to get into great sharing habits. Try being cheerful about it op. Don't act as though being with dear baby is a chore [though it definitely can be sometimes] Just hand baby too him with a cheerful 'your turn ...off for a shower then a read/go on mumsnet/sleep ext' . Remember do it for him first time then go for it Good luck op

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 29/03/2020 15:09

OP, sorry if I missed it somewhere but is the baby always being handled or attended to by you/one of you? I'm asking because it would be useful to know if you mean that as soon as you relinquish the baby she needs to go to her dad or whether you just mean that the baby doesn't and should always need, attending to you by you?

I think as PP has said, some dad's are mindful of the mother's bond with her baby and step back because of that? Although, some men are just rubbish fathers - and some are somewhere in the middle.

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