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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents caring for key worker children

79 replies

Russell19 · 29/03/2020 11:41

A friend told me yesterday that her mum (aged under 70) is still coming over to their house each day to look after her 2 children (one pre school age and one 7).

They are both keyworkers but not front line.

I don't know why but at first it didn't sit right with me, I know IABU because I have a really close relationship with my mum and haven't seen her for 2 weeks so I think it's touched a nerve. I also have a baby so to have my family not close by is a massive thing.

Just doesn't make sense to be putting your whole family, children and parents at risk but what is the other option? What are other people doing?

OP posts:

Amibeingunr · 29/03/2020 14:03

I had no choice but to use my 60 year old mum for childcare on Monday last week while I went to the office to tie ends and leave for 3 weeks, my partner is classed as a key worker and was offered but we didn’t want to use school/nursery. As my mum approached my house my neighbour decided to stand and stare at my mum the entire time in disguise. Little does she know my mums age or the fact she has absolutely no health issues. Since Last Tuesday I have been home with both my kids off school and nursery and watched said neighbour having visitors, swanning out countless times a day, while I have stuck to the rules since before lock down even started and so has my mum. I haven’t seen her since.

I would rather use my mum than send my two children into two different establishments to potentially catch/infect others and my mum knows the risk and offered. I personally wouldn’t judge, but my relationship with my double standards neighbour will never be the same long after this has gone.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 29/03/2020 14:05

To start with, 70 can only ever be a guideline - I know some incredibly fit and active over 70's, many who are fitter and healthier than people decades younger with multimorbidities.

So if a grandparent is healthy, fit, willing and able to travel (or you deliver children to them) it's probably safer than nursery for a key worker that needs child care.
Very much an individual thing, depending on the individual risk factors of all involved - the gov't can only give guidelines in this area.

I lost the plot a bit about 'mum popping round to visit for an hour' - hardly the same thing/

Stuckforthefourthtime · 29/03/2020 14:06

Yabu and jealous and a busybody.

The grandmother is under 70 (and many are much younger than that - there are plenty of grandmothers in there 40s where I'm from), and they need to work, would you prefer the kids were in school spreading illnesses around with others? Ideally of course we'd all be home, but that's not always possible, everyone is trying to make it work.

I won't be seeing my parents (under 70 but extremely vulnerable) until this is all over and I miss them too, so I get it, but seriously, 2 weeks is nothing - plenty of people live overseas and don't get to see parents for years.

It horrifies me how one week into lockdown, half the mums on here and on FB appear to have wholeheartedly become the stasi...

Original poster

Russell19 · 29/03/2020 14:14

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

I lost the plot a bit about 'mum popping round to visit for an hour' - hardly the same thing/

But surely it's the same in terms of spreading this virus? This is why I don't really understand it and why it didn't sit well with me.

I'm due to go back to work next week after mat leave so does it suddenly make it ok for my mum to come round then?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 29/03/2020 14:16

Do you actually have to go back to work, as in attend while having no childcare?

lyralalala · 29/03/2020 14:17

There's someone in my street doing exactly this and I totally see their point. They live a very short walk from each other, but don't have the space to live with each other. The two kids would have to be walked past their grandparent's house to get into the school where they'd be mixing with many more people. It also means that when they are needed to work late (both work in hospitals) they can so the overall benefit to everyone is high.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 29/03/2020 14:19

@russell19 no, because the point is to minimise non-essential interactions. They are key workers who need to go to work, so having a care giver is an essential social interaction.

Same as in an ideal world, none of us would go to the shops for the next 2 weeks of lockdown, but given that many would starve, we are. Doesn't mean we can pop out to browse shoes shops for a couple of hours, or that because we had to be closer than 2m to someone in a shop, we can therefore have our friend over for a coffee.

It's really not hard.

Ponoka7 · 29/03/2020 14:19

What don't you get about people not being able to stay off work?

How do we keep the country running?

Greysparkles · 29/03/2020 14:21

What do you think key workers who work hours other than 9-3 are doing atm?
Of course they are using grandparents/friends to watch their kids.
Keep your bloody nose out

Original poster

Russell19 · 29/03/2020 14:22

@ponoka7 yes, I'm a teacher. I have a nursery place and they would take my baby as I'm a key worker but like lots of people have said nursery would mean contact with lots of other children/adults.

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 29/03/2020 14:22

But presumably you aren’t going back to work in 3 weeks time?

GettingAwayWithIt · 29/03/2020 14:24

I’m classed as key worker although ‘only’ admin. I have been told I cannot work from home even though I just need a computer and a phone to do my job. I was feeling guilty taking my toddler into nursery while I continued to go into the hospital to work... then the nursery closed for the welfare of their staff. I’m now relying on my MIL (retired but under 70) and my sister (works in a supermarket so another key worker) to look after my child while I continue to do my job.

I am getting increasingly concerned about the proximity of sick patients and us ‘essential’ admin workers. My salary is crap so I’m hoping my self employed husband can continue working outside in his job so we can still pay the bills. Although if I do end up as a statistic who contracted Coronavirus the death in service payout is half decent and I have life insurance so he and my daughter should be ok

Original poster

Russell19 · 29/03/2020 14:25

@LittleBearPad huh? I'm due to go back next week.... don't really know what you are asking sorry.

OP posts:

Whatwedontknow · 29/03/2020 14:26

*I lost the plot a bit about 'mum popping round to visit for an hour' - hardly the same thing

But surely it's the same in terms of spreading this virus? This is why I don't really understand it and why it didn't sit well with me.*

You are forgetting the essential part. Providing childcare for a key worker who has to go to work (front line or not) is not the same as popping in for a cuppa. This is why schools are open for essential childcare.

I posted about this myself because a friend made be feel bad about looking after my DGD while my DD goes to work, she has to go in 2 days a week and is a SP.

So my DGD either goes to a childminder before and after school and comes into contact with 2 different environments and 5 or 6 adults and however many children. Or she comes into contact with me and my home? I don’t have contact with DD as she drops her off.

If my DD was not at work I would have no contact as it wouldn’t be essential.

Original poster

Russell19 · 29/03/2020 14:27

@GettingAwayWithIt Bless you! Everything you have just said was why it didn't sit well with me. I get why some people have to do it but it's putting people at risk. Hope you are ok.

I'm not saying anything in my posts to be mean and I did say I don't know what the alternative is.

OP posts:

Marieo · 29/03/2020 14:27

Well the chances are by them being out to work they have brought it back and passed it onto their children who are passing it onto their grandparents. So no, they shouldn't be doing it really. Nurseries and schools are going to lengths to ensure they keep as must distance as possible etc, are they honestly doing this when with their grandchild?

Whatwedontknow · 29/03/2020 14:29

As a teacher why do you not understand this more than most?

BlueCheeseNoWay · 29/03/2020 14:30

If your a key worker and all other childcare options are no go.
What exactly is she supposed to do...?

Some people may lose their jobs if they refuse to work, they may not be able to afford being off work. They may be a vital key worker, how close are you to this 'friend' (who you obviously hate to be so nasty) to know.

Ponoka7 · 29/03/2020 14:35

Who will you be teaching? The schools are closed and was due to close for Easter.

People have to stay in, unless it's necessary, so people who can't stay in, stand a better chance.

The situation that you describe is necessary. What's difficult to understand?

It's up to individual grandparents if they are happy to do this. The children aren't in danger, or anyone outside of immediate family.

Letseatgrandma · 29/03/2020 14:37

Who will you be teaching? The schools are closed and was due to close for Easter.

Do people not understand that schools are not closed!?

We are still in providing childcare throughout the term and over the Easter holidays. It is still term time here.

Ponoka7 · 29/03/2020 14:40

Marieo, there's no way that a nursery will be putting anymore boundaries than grandparents. They need carrying/changing etc.

The government has put us at unnecessary risk for six weeks. It's up to us whether we now continue with less risk than before.

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 29/03/2020 14:41

Who will be doing your child care OP?

cardibach · 29/03/2020 14:41

@Greysparkles you asked What do you think key workers who work hours other than 9-3 are doing atm? well, I know it doesn’t solve the 24 hr NHS issue, but the school I work in is covering 7am-7pm from next week so that’ll help.
Yes, Op, you are missing the fact that it’s essential her children are looked after. It’s not ideal, and it’s not something you would replicate if it wasn’t, but it is, so the6 are doing the least damage they can consistent with the rules.

lyralalala · 29/03/2020 14:42

@Marieo Nurseries and childminders are not social distancing from the small children in their care any more than a grandparent would

Ponoka7 · 29/03/2020 14:43

@Letseatgrandma, will you still be doing that in a week, with full staff needed? My DD's school is closing for Easter. It isn't being ran with full Staff.

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