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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling to see how I’m in the wrong on this one- AIBU?

36 replies

TheMogster · 28/03/2020 23:06

Context: DP and I have 2 DC- DD5 and DS2.

Our normal evening routine after tea involves me bathing both DC, putting them to bed and doing stories while DP washes up and tidies up downstairs.

Tonight, after tea DD discovers a DVD of an old children’s’ TV programme I used to love and asked if she could watch it.

I said yes and also said I would put DS to bed, which I did.

I put DS to bed and sat with him a while. I could hear downstairs that DD and DP were watching the DVD together. I also heard DP suggest that it was time for bed after an episode ended but DD really wanted to see it and DP relented.

As such, I stayed upstairs, had a read and spoke to my parents on the phone when they called.

Eventually, while I was still up there, DP brought a very tired, cranky and whingy DD to bed.

DP then complained about having had no time to do anything that evening and it was all my fault because I hadn’t come down to collect DD for bed and stories!

I said that DP is a parent too and could have called time on the DVD while I was upstairs but chose not to.

I was told that it was my responsibility because I “always” do stories and DP was just “waiting” for me but I never came.

In fact DP usually does stories about once a week on average, but this somehow means that bedtime is always my responsibility.

I thought that they were enjoying a DVD together (which is why I stayed upstairs reading) and the fact that DP let DD have extra episodes after initially suggesting it was bedtime meant I thought DP had made a judgement call, and I didn’t intervene.

I offered to help with DPs undone chores (which could have been done while DD was watching the DVD, frankly), and DP has now stomped off to bed leaving me to do them all.

Can someone explain how I’m in the wrong here? I’m usually the first to apologise if I’m even partly to blame but I can’t see what I have done wrong here.

Yes = I am in the wrong.

No = I am not in the wrong.

OP posts:
ECBC · 28/03/2020 23:11

Sounds like DH needs a kick in the pants. He’s an adult too and needs to take responsibility for parenting.

B0bbin · 28/03/2020 23:20

This might not seem as big a problem in the morning/a day or two. It sounds like stuff that happens with me and DH sometimes and just a bit of tiredness/ doziness/ pain- in- the- ass- ness on DP's part.
You were not in the wrong, but it's not that big a deal, unless it's a regular thing.

mullyluo · 28/03/2020 23:51

I wouldn't be tidying up for him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/03/2020 23:54

Could he have thought DS took longer than normal to settle, that you were having some down time, or giving you time to speak to your parents so kept DD down longer to allow for any of those?

Ck817 · 28/03/2020 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagicMojito · 29/03/2020 00:12

Yanbu, hes being a cranky arse. I wouldn't make a thing of it, but I definitely wouldn't be doing all the chores either.

Tensions are running high in many households at the minute I'd gamble.

PleaseGiveMeAShake · 29/03/2020 00:13

In other word he never wants to be the 'bad guy' calling time on the fun. He wants you to be the one who does all the "time for bed, no more tv" speech so he gets to be fun dad and you are bossy mum.

AlexaAmbidextra · 29/03/2020 00:21

Sounds like you have three children.

user1494182820 · 29/03/2020 00:23

You are both BU. I would be annoyed at your lack of communication. But on the other hand he could just have easily called up to find out what the delay was. Plus he's acted like a child and stomped off.

Leave the chores for him to do in the morning.

DowntonCrabby · 29/03/2020 00:27

Is he otherwise completely incapable? It sounds like it.

aussieaussieaussieoioioi · 29/03/2020 00:33

Leave his chores and tell him to get to fuck and grow up.

HairyDogsOfThigh · 29/03/2020 00:35

It sounds to me like he wanted you to be the bad guy and come and call a halt on the dvd watching, so he could be 'good daddy' that allows such treats and you are cast as 'mean mummy' that stops the fun.
I wouldn't be doing the tasks, if they can wait til morning, do them together then.
I would also, when things have calmed down, ask how he would have wanted the evening to play out.
There is a part of me that feels if you do usually do all (most) of the evening routine, he may have been slow to pick up on the fact it had changed tonight, so a conversation letting him know that you expect him to parent whenever necessary and to use his initiative, rather than waiting for you to instruct him, might be needed.

Floralnomad · 29/03/2020 00:36

Great fuss over nothing , he could have done the chores but surely it’s more important to interact with his child even if that is just watching a dvd , likewise you could have gone down and joined them to watch rather than reading and chatting to your parents . It all sounds a bit like point scoring about who does more .

Italiangreyhound · 29/03/2020 02:49

YANBU.

He should have made a decision himself and not blamed you.

I think this is a good point "There is a part of me that feels if you do usually do all (most) of the evening routine, he may have been slow to pick up on the fact it had changed tonight, so a conversation letting him know that you expect him to parent whenever necessary and to use his initiative, rather than waiting for you to instruct him, might be needed."

CocoStar555 · 29/03/2020 02:55

This is the kind of argument / disagreement that a lot of people wouldn't even remember the next day.

People get cranky and express frustration at all sorts of things. This is not a big deal.

Italiangreyhound · 29/03/2020 03:14

OP "Our normal evening routine after tea involves me bathing both DC, putting them to bed and doing stories while DP washes up and tidies up downstairs." Can I just ask, OP if you are out at work and DP is at home with the kids normally?

If not, does that mean you are with the kids all day and he is at work?

SuburbanFraggle · 29/03/2020 04:41

To the people saying it is no big deal, the problem is that it sounds like a symptom of a particular mindset: that he is 'helping' you to do YOUR job of looking after the children and that he is 'babysitting'. Throw in a bit of always wanting to be 'good cop'.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/03/2020 05:19

He's a tit.
He had the option to say "that's enough, time for bed, off you go now" rather than letting her get her own way.
He had the option to call up to you to see if you were coming to get her, if he couldn't be arsed to parent by himself.
He had the option to continue clearing up while your DD watched the DVD by herself

What he's basically whinging about is that you had time to yourself and he didn't - which it sounds like he usually does, more so than you!

Childish tit.

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/03/2020 06:10

This is just a miscommunication caused by not following the usual routine.

Usually you bathe and put both DC to bed while he tidies up downstairs. (I think your DH has the short end of the stick in this)

But anyway, you sprung a change of routine by agreeing DD could watch a DVD instead. What was DH supposed to do? Ignore his daughter? No. He backed you up by sitting and watching it with her.

I agree he could have said no to a second episode but then you also agreed to DD watching a second episode by being aware of it and deciding to take advantage of the time for yourself. You and DH did not communicate how much DVD time DD should have.

You both just went with the flow and it ended up with DH not having time to do the tidying up. I agree you should not do them either because you’ve BOTH run out of time for the evening.

Just do them together in the morning and remember that if you aren’t following the usual routine to communicate with each other more often. Don’t make assumptions, check in with each other. This is not a big deal. I didn’t vote because I think you are both not being unreasonable. Just tired after a long day and a bit fustrated at a break down in communication action.

Imstillskanking · 29/03/2020 06:14

Sounds like a communication breakdown.

LangSpartacusCleg · 29/03/2020 06:26

YANBU

He wants to be the fun parent and not enforce the rules or the routine. That is actually abdicating responsibility for parenting.

Do not let him get away with this type of helpless. It is up there with saying ‘I will cook’ and then asking what to cook, where to buy the ingredients and what temperature to set the oven.

At work and home, I have often said something along the lines of ‘You have a degree in x and 20 years experience of y. Are you seriously telling me that you need me to help tie your shoelaces/figure this out/put the kids to bed/complete the application?’

It is very effective. Until the next time.

Beautiful3 · 29/03/2020 07:03

Tell him next time, " bring her up at x time."

InfiniteSheldon · 29/03/2020 07:20

You have a routine: he tidies up you do stories. You hid upstairs having done 1/2 your part of the routine. He watched extra episodes with dd instead of doing his part of the routine. No one is right no one is wrong I would take responsibility for sneaking some me time in before you blame him 100%.

dontdisturbmenow · 29/03/2020 08:59

The bottom line is that you had time for yourself to do what you wanted to do, he didn't, so I see his point. Sadly, the expectation would be that reading your kids to bed or watching a video with them is a treat, not punishment, but understand that it's the lack of your own time and space that comes to it.

If you are honest with yourself, didn't you see this as the perfect opportunity to grab that 'me time'? It would have been nice to have come down and ask him if he minded if you used that time for it and said that he could have some 'me time' the next day.

Shoxfordian · 29/03/2020 09:37

He didn't think it was his job to parent
Is this generally the case with him?